Coffee Crutch

I'll be honest and admit that I have an addictive personality (which doesn't sound like what it means, but that's the English language for you). I drink more often than I probably should; I smoke like a man condemned; and I love myself a little too much, too often, if you catch my drift. One thing I am not addicted to, however, is coffee. Not the least bit. For one, it doesn't taste that great. Straw man argument: I mean, really, what's tastier, a cup of joe or a cool glass of lemonade? I don't think coffee tastes that bad, but it's not exactly Welch's Grape or kiwi-strawberry Snapple, is it? And if you want to compare it to other hot beverages, I'll see your coffee and raise you a citron tea and a steaming cup of pork broth. (Alternatively, for you canucks, Chalet Sauce.)

Everyone has their own taste, I am aware; but does anyone sip a cup of coffee and think, "Man, this is heaven"? If they do, aren't they fooling themselves? Look, I love beer like I love my dick size, but I rarely proclaim how wonderful it tastes. When I do -- and I've done so probably twice in the past year -- it's because I'm either really goddamned thirsty or the beer is really fucking cold (usually both). No, what I like most about beer is that it tastes pretty good, sometimes even great, and it produces its desired effect: calming my neurotic mind and making your mom look prettier.

(I suppose this argument could be extended to people who pretend to appreciate haute cuisine, but let's tackle one pretense at a time, yes?)

Coffee drinkers, just admit that you drink the stuff to perk yourselves up, that it tastes okay, but that's secondary, really. (And if you drink decaf, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fairly confident you're already ridiculed by your fellow coffeecianados.) Why don't you drop the act and start drinking Red Bull? It's tastier. And, for you frat boys, it goes well with vodka.

I mention this because, for the past month and the foreseeable future, I have to wake up at seven o' clock in the morning. Morning and I aren't exactly on speaking terms ever since I punched Morning in the fallopian tubes as a youth, so as a result I need something to start my ignition every weekday morning.

Enter coffee. Like taking you to a Drew Barrymore-starring rom-com, I'll stomach it, but I won't like it. We can never be friends, coffee. I only stick with you because there are no others. Besides, you make me shit like a mastodon.

It's great that society has evolved in such a way that coffee is drunk in the morning and alcoholic beverages at night, instead of -- unless you're some kind of weirdo -- vice-versa. Don't get me wrong; coffee, like the atom bomb and pornography, serves its purpose, But at the end of the day all it is is a means to an end. Coffee is not art. Lobster (and how I love lobster) is not art. If it ultimately comes out of your colon or your bladder, it's not art.

That's a good rule of thumb, I think.

Next: Fuck Steak, It's a Pain in the Ass to Chew