SportsCentury and Beyond: The Tiberious aka Sparkles Story (Excerpts Pt. 1)

August 5, 1977: Two people whom I will later meet and call, respectively, Mom and Dad, get down with the get down. A Cat Stevens record is playing AND I CAN'T HELP THAT.

May 25, 1977: Star Wars premieres. I think Trudeau is still Prime Minister, but I can't tell for sure. God, I can't wait to get outta this place. Is Jimmy Carter still president? History is passing me by and I haven't even been born yet.

May 9, 1978: Nancy Lang's future husband is born. In a manger (aka Ottawa; no...make that Bundang).

June 11, 1982: I see E.T. with my parents and brother. We sit in the front row. I cry. Two weeks later, John Carpenter's The Thing sees its theatrical debut. I, however, see it fifteen years later. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why allegations of parental abuse don't encompass shit like that. Don't worry; someday they will.

June 12, 1982: Battle of the Planets! Dig it.

December 25, 1987: My best friend, Hans, calls to inform me that he received the NES game Goonies II as a present. I react thricely:

Firstly) Santa Claus hates my ass, more likely my inaccessible chimney.

Secondly) My parents found out I'm getting boners watching Madonna and ZZ Top videos, and news travels fast.

Finally) Someone made a Goonies sequel, and I'm the sole 9-year-old unaware of the fact.

January 11, 1999: A gay hairdresser confidently tells me that the cut I've received will get me laid. I don't put much stock in his forecast, but, damn my eyes if he isn't on the money not four hours later. In retrospect, however, I would have preferred a female, and it took a long ass time to get rid of those frosted tips.