Agent Negro

I like Gilbert Arenas because, like me, he is a legend in his own mind. Ask either of us and we'll tell you that we are the greatest, despite contrary evidence. For my part, it's mostly hip-hop's fault. For his and countless other NBA ballers, it's -- mostly -- MJ's*.

Blameless fault, mind you, for it doesn't take a Ph.D. in anthropology to ken that human beings emulate what we individually perceive as great. It's the reason why I smoke cigarettes (Bogey), masturbate too much (women), and can't stop playing Pac Man (Billy Mitchell**). My biggest fault is that I spread myself too thin and thus become marginally adept at most of my interests save writing, where I sometimes excel by applying the kitchen-sink theory, or the wet-noodle method. (Word to Jackson Pollack.) Truth be told, though, I am a hack. And lazy. I can't remember the last time I challenged myself, professionally or creatively; and on the occasions which I have, I've mailed it in so egregiously that I feel a deep, pulsating shame.

I am about to do that right now.

Arenas's biggest fault, least how's I see it, is similar. He has all the skills, but somewhere along the way he became too much a part of his own personality cult that it has hampered his output (that, and the NBA Live curse, which, this season, was eerily preemptive). The larger question is: does he care? Judging from his lackadaisical approach to the game on court and off, the answer appears to be negatory. Sure, he likes winning. Who doesn't? But perhaps it's for the glory, not the riches. Glory being individual accolades, riches team success.


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I like Gilbert Arenas, because like me...

While I hate to say it, Gil's nonchalant smart/not smart slacker attitude fits perfectly with white people who want to embrace black people who occasionally act like white people. Word to Blur and TV on the Radio.

Let's examine that for a second. Why exactly do white people -- myself included -- love Gilbert Arenas like Hispanics love Morrissey? Is it because he's quirky, the NBA equivalent of Cosmo Kramer? Michael Richards's racist tirade notwithstanding, that's an apt comparison. Stephen Jackson is certainly quirky; so is Ron Artest; yet we label them thugs, because they're too aggresive for our inherently unique passiveness and sensitivity.

Arenas, however, is non-threatening, funny in a Kramer sort of way -- and that's how we prefer (our) black athletes. That's how we preferred Jayson Williams before he bodied his limousine driver with a shotgun, and how we preferred OJ in the Naked Gun movies before he bodied Ronald Goldman and his ex-wife.

So, Gilbert, here is my message to you: as quickly as we build you up we will tear you down. Play nice, and everything is copacetic. The second you transgress the law of the land, however, the collective hammer of (our) law will strike you down.

So play nice. We're on your side.

For now.




* and hip-hop's

** who, rumor has it, called Contra 4 the videogame equivalent of a snipe hunt