Idle Hands, Brains, and Bwaka Knives

Yesterday morning, a day like any other, I awoke, tamed my piss boner* so that I could urinate the way God intended (not in the shower), smoked a square or five, and killed Dracula.

And I'd like to say that that last morsel was the highlight of my day. (Word to Lester Burnham.) I'd like to, but I can't.

Certainly, I felt a sense of triumphant accomplishment. Dracula, like The Sound and the Fury and Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl, is hard to tackle. Took me a few days, but finally I made that pasty-faced dandy kneel before Emperor Spark. And I believed I had finished a game which -- my sincerest apologies, Constant Retards -- had consumed and obsessed me so for almost a month.

But I was fooled.

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin is the drug, the Nintendo DS Lite its vessel. Tiberious aka Sparkles: Psychedelic Victim and potential casualty.

My soul needs saving.

See, PoR, or any similar game for that matter, is fun: it's superbly well-designed and intricate, and provides hours -- or am I just slow? After all, it took me a few days to read Deathly Hallows -- of non-sexual, non-corporeal enjoyment; but do I really want to spend most of my time with it when I could put both my brain and body to better use?

Of course not. Right?

Right?

The notion (fear?) that video games are addictive and dangerous was pretty much deaded by most in the late 90's and early aughts when everyone and their meth-addled goldfish succumbed, Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style, to the Internet age. For that I was thankful. For that I felt redeemed.

You know what, ALL CAPS JACK KIRBY THOR BLURB STYLE: REDEMPTION NO LONGER!

Here's why:

I am a completist, albeit a poor one. I never mailed in for limited edition Star Wars or G.I. Joe action figures, nor did I read the shitty Internet comics which supposedly make The Matrix trilogy 0.01% less confusing and conversely 100 000 000% more convoluted; but when it comes to video games, I want it all like Warren G.

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, if I am to master every weapon (a Herculean feat perfect for prison inmates serving life), complete every quest, conquer The Nest of Evil, and finish the game on Richter, Sisters, and Old Ax Armor modes, will consume my very soul, I'm positive.

Apparently, there are people who have done just that, which amazes me profoundly. It also scares me, for anyone with enough time on his hands to perFECT PoR is probably jobless and will continue to be so, or is a student wasting his time mastering a fucking video game instead of memorizing irregular German verbs or how to suture a displaced sexual organ.

Me, I'm in a precarious position: I killed Dracula, so why does it feel as though stepping aside and getting on with my life makes me a quitter? Why do I hear a voice saying "you never finish anything" when I try to walk away?

Moreover, why do I feel a video game will somehow validate my cred as an AANG?

Beats you, beats me.

(But I'm still going to master that sucker. Just to prove a point. To no one.)





* aka the breakfast of champions, for some. (Not Allison Stokke.)