This is How We Move It Down the Line

Folks, today I heard magic (not the kind coming from my upstairs neighbors' apartment, though I heard that, too). Do yourself a favor and check out -- read: illegally download -- the Smashing Pumpkins' new single, 'Tarantula.' Blow your goddamn mind, that will. By the way, if that song isn't, over the course of the next few years, used for some sort of sports broadcast (NBA Finals! NBA Finals! NBA Finals!), people are stupider than I currently imagine them to be...As the summer progresses and temperatures rise, please be sure to drink lots of water. This is especially important for my readers in their sixties, seventies, and eighties* For those of you stranded at sea without potable water, be sure to drink plenty of urine. To quote Brendan Flowers, it's not so bad...Saw Ocean's 13 this past weekend. Thoroughly enjoyable. Better than 12, not better than 11. Biggest laugh-out-loud moments of the film: the Mexican uprising and Andy Garcia on Oprah. Finally, Ellen Barkin is 53 years old, and I, just like you -- if you're male and saw the film -- was thinking the exact same thing: tap, tap, tap. Word to DeAngelo Barksdale...Pulled a Kobe in Game 7 of the Suns/Lakers 2006 playoffs series this Saturday (Jesus, I'm writing like Rorschach in Watchmen; I promise to stop, starting now). We lost 3 games in a row. And, truthfully, it made me feel kinda good, kinda important...New entry into the list of Songs Subliminally About Constipation: Move Somethin' by Reflection Eternal. And you know what, "Reflection Eternal" is the number one bestest Group Name Subliminally About Constipation. I had that epiphany in the bathroom, naturally**...Fuck what you heard, the Blazers are going to pick Kevin Durant, and here's why: Sam Bowie. Isn't it obvious?...Since April, I haven't finished a novel. I started out (re)reading Of Human Bondage, but stopped around page two-hundred-and-something due to supreme laziness/Internet***. I don't regret it, however, because I hadn't gotten to the part where Philip meets Mildred. And, trust me, while perhaps the greatest telling of fucked-up romance/craziness, shit hits a little too close to home. Makes my Tiberious Meat Hammer shrivel -- just a little -- thinking about it...Tom Cruise was born to play Ozymandias in the film adaptation of Watchmen. Can't tell me different. Picture Tom, hair dyed blonde, delivering those memorable words, "I'm not some Republic-serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago." Biggest bastard moment in film history, I'm telling you. Again, Tom Cruise was BORN to play Ozymandias (and I was made to love you)...Advertising slogan which, if I -- theoretically -- worked for Proctor and Gamble, would have been fired long ago for coming up with: "Pepto Bismol: Don't It Make Your Pink Tongue Black?" (the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' song woulda been in the TV advert.) Whatever, I still successfully referenced the monolith in Stanley Kubrick's 2001 for an LG phone ad. K-Hot, we are at war with Proctor and Gamble. Don't shoot until you see the blacks of their tongues. Cheez-Ums in the south shall rise again...She was 16 and 6-feet tall, in a crowd of teenagers coming out of the zoo. Sorry, it's only been a few days, but those lyrics, from The White Stripes' 'A Martyr for My Love for You,' are positively literary. In fact, I'm sure many an unpublished writer -- this excludes TMH -- would sell his soul for an opening sentence like that. Me, I'd take "It was a dark and stormy night."...The copy on the small waste basket on my desktop reads, "This sunny and pleasant weather makes me feel something nice will happen." Yeah, that fucking thing is getting the Hans Gruber treatment, not now but right now...


*And for Mrs. Baker, one of my most constant retards, who will turn one-hundred-and-three years young on July 7th. Don't die before then, Mrs. B. Promise? I got a killer post in store for you on your special day. I mean, I got a REALLY GOOD post in store for you on your special day.

** Just so you know, I'm as regular as Norm Petersen and Cliff Clavin.

*** Blame K-Hot.