Psychedelic Kimochi -- Eyebrows Edition

This is going to be my second consecutive brief post* (only this time I'm sober!), but remember one thing: there are no short posts, only short posters.

That said, a few thoughts before we delve into one of my biggest fetishes:

- The White Stripes' new single, Icky Thump, is unequivocally their best song ever. I will stab you if you disagree. By the way, since Icky Thump is also the title of their forthcoming album, I'm curious as to where it ranks on the list of albums with titles that are embarrassing to ask for in CD stores**. I'm putting it just behind I'll Sleep When You're Dead and ahead of EFIL4ZNAGGIN

- I can finally say it: Stan Van Gundy wants to spend less time with his family!

- Game 1 of the NBA Finals was without a doubt the worst Finals game I've ever witnessed. And, goddamn my magic 8-ball, it looks as though we're in for at least 3 more trips to the torture chamber. Here's the thing: the Cavs are, obviously, doomed -- but if I'm Mike Brown (and who's to say I'm not?), during halftime here's what I'm saying to my guys:

"Look, we're not down by much, but the Spurs are going to absolutely slaughter us in the third quarter. That's their bread and butter. We take away their third quarter, we have a fighting chance. I don't care if you have to stick Manu Ginobli with a syringe while the zebras aren't looking, DON'T LET THEM RUN AWAY WITH THIS THING IN THE THIRD! Damon, run into the stands during a timeout and fondle Eva Longoria if you have to. The third is the key. We win the third, we win the game, 'cause those motherfuckers always leave a window open in the middle of the fourth. And, hey! Lebron, stop biting your fucking nails. Your tell is worse than John Malkovich's in Rounders."

- Yeah, the Spurs are great and all, but put together two consecutive championship seasons and then call me back Re: consistency. You motherfuckers are like Star Trek films (not that I like Star Trek, btw).

Conspiracy theory: the league outlawed playing music during possessions, right? So why is it I heard, not a few times, music being played when the Spurs had the ball? And if that wasn't egregious enough, they played that godawful "Day-yo!" chant when the Cavs were in control. Cheaters.

- If I'm ever on death row (and, really, it's only a matter of time), my last meal would be tuna kimbap and kimchi mandu. And a can of Welch's Sparkling Grape. Tse-tse fly.

---


Now...

I'm a man of simple pleasures, something moribund in these times. Thong underwear does nothing for me (to quote Andre 3000, I prefer those old school white regular draws); ass fucking is, in a word, gross; bondage? I'll see you later, unless I see you first. And I'd rather cut my penis tip off than watch a guy shit in a girl's mouth (or vice-versa). People make the world go 'round, perhaps, but give me a facsinating smile, lithe figure, and perky breasts anyday over...whatever shit turns fucked-up weirdos on these days.

Oh, and, give me thick eyebrows.

Maybe, just maybe, you're sitting at home, reading this, thinking "Sparkles, you definitely are one fucked up cat," and, if that's the case, let us agree to disagree. Unless you get turned on by watching shit-eating porn, that is. In that case, seek help. I won't deny that you are free to indulge in depravity of that sort; but, at the same time, EWWW!

I won't*** write a long essay on the un-sexiness of most porn (unless you pay me), but from what I've seen -- and, boy, I've done my research in that department -- it seems that porn these days is the last battle cry of mysoginism against a world in which the gap of equality between men and women is ever closing. Rebellion against the status quo is healthy, and if done properly can have great artistic impact -- take punk music for one example, hip-hop for another; but, I'm sorry, the raison detre of porn is to titilate. I appreciate feces porn and its ilk as much as I appreciate seeing a child abuse documentary. Honestly, I could watch both. I'd feel shock, horror, disgust, anger, maybe a little intrigued, even. Hell, I'm only human. Sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me. But, to reiterate (and to quote Dirk Diggler), it's not sexy.

Maybe, some day, some visionary will come along and strike an accord between hardcore porn and art. But I doubt it. Not to be crass, but if I go to a restaurant and the meal I'm served looks like it was crafted with the same care and precision it took to paint the Sistine Chapel, I'm not thinking about how pretty my dinner has been arranged -- all I'm thinking about is how good it's going to taste. In the same way, nobody watches porn and expects to ken the deeper urges of the human psyche -- he or she (usually he) just wants to be aroused, jack off, and later consider the aesthetic complexities of life. In that way, porn is merely a transition atween animalistic tendencies and man's pursuit of progression apart of the animal kingdom****.

One last thing needs to be said: as far as I know (and, to quote Aaron Neville, I don't know much, but I know I love you), no other creature on planet Earth derives pleasure from watching another of its kind degrade its mate. They may not have Burger King and Netflix, but even pigeons know that shitting on someone isn't a mating call, it's another way of saying "fuck you".

___


Now...

Thick eyebrows ARE sexy. Maybe I (purposefully?) killed the buzz, but, if you're still with me, let's step into my libido.


(This was inspired by Ideal "Flash" Jetsam's blink-and-you-missed-it Kimochi. And Chivas Regal. And Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)


Without further adieu, I give you the sexiest caterpillar-browed human beings. COUNTDOWN!


5) Kathy "Kiss Me I'm" Ireland
Thinkin' 'bout a masterplan. 'Cause ain't nothin' but sweat inside my hand.


4) America's Next Top Model 7's Anchal Joseph

I start to think, and then I sink; into the paper, like I was ink.


3) Brooke Shields

Me and Eric B was coolin' at the Paladium.


2) Sherilyn Fenn

I put a hole in the speaker, pull the plug, then I jet.


1) Martin Scorsese

Word to Daddy, indeed.


(My supreme apologies to Idealjetsam and K-Hot for not including the illustrious and praiseworthy Jennifer Connelly. To be sure, she's the sixth-woman of the millenium. And she deserves badly to be kimochi-ized. And now she has been. I'm sure she appreciates it as much as we do.)


* Didn't happen. I cannot be contained!

** Like anyone goes to CD stores these days.

*** purposefully try to

**** And, no, love between man and beast -- in the non-Benji sense -- is still wrong.