Kryptonian Kimochi (Psychataxia)

Well, it looks as if another festive Masta Ace Day has come to a conclusion and, frankly, I feel that this year's celebration may go down in history as the greatest ever. The Ace Parade in downtown 'Chon was exemplary, to say the very least, and the annual deflowering ceremony left me anxious to wind down the evening with the sound of vitality. I also decided to watch some television.

Having said that, I just finished watching National Lampoon's Pledge This! To be quite honest, I can't accurately describe just how awful the film was. Imagine taking a dump, flushing the brown bastard, and then finding out that the chunk of choco-delight produced, directed, and starred in a film. I'd rather see that film. Fuck, I don't know what I had been thinking, soiling such a wonderful holiday with this piece of jaozym*. On the other hand, a different movie station was playing Nightmare on Elm Street, part five - The Dream Child, so basically I had chosen to go with something unseen. Freddy's attempt to return via the dreams of a young woman's unborn child is too classy for me, at this point in my life.

Here's a picture, to help you grasp the plot of Paris Hilton's masterwork.


(If you want a synopsis, stare at the picture for about ten minutes, go headbutt a mirror, and then leave a comment. I'll get back to you.)

In hindsight, I must have been more intoxicated than I expected to be, or perhaps I was lured in by the sporadic appearance of large-breasted, naked women (or both). No, okay, look, I was really watching it because I've a penchant for spry, nubile young women. Not really young, mind you, as such things are reserved for the once-in-a-millennium idealjetsam post, but definitely outside the realm of the mature quail.

Which brings us to Sarah Carter.This entelechy has suffered through several bogus productions, but that just implies that she makes poor choices** (Pledge This!, DOA, being a member of the Canadian Debate Team, etc.), and we've all done that***. Hopefully, her upcoming role in Skinwalkers will rectify past errors. If all else fails, she'll at least look a bit more like my ideal woman. (See below.)

Speaking of ideal women, as a lad I had a big crush on Helen Slater aka Supergirl (I think that's why I'm a sucker for vivacious blondes, and luscious magicians), and Sarah Carter kinda reminds me of Kara Zor-El. Sparkles probably thought that my first picture was merely a homage to two of the greatest performers in cinematic history, but alas, I'm simply a drunkard reminiscing about a romanticized past (namely, my affair with Peter O'Toole, but also about Helen Slater, who has successfully spurned me sixteen times). I truly believe that a shard of my boyhood innocence was lost upon discovery that Helen Slater had borne her breasts in a film. I won't say which film, because I'm a gentleman, but rest assured that it can easily be uncovered by any enterprising individual. It also scarred me for life****.

What had I been talking about? Something akin to an ideal woman, I suppose. (Enlarged canines, splattered by blood, and a feral disposition.) You know my number, Carter, and it's time to make the call.



Hati

* Jaozym

** That she makes poor choices implies that I may have a shot with her...so blow me!

*** I worked at a Wendy's during college, and you read this post. We're about even.

**** It disrupted my sense of perception, but not nearly as much as the head-changing Mombi did.