The Sweat Lodge

I got nuthin'. Hard to believe, I know, for someone who leads such an interesting, carefree lifestyle*, but it's the truth. Writer's block is a mutha, and it's especially annoying when coupled with constipation.

(Um...)

So, instead of leaving you, Constant Reader**, impatiently waiting for Psychedelic Kimchi zen, what I'ma do is, I'm going to

(get as drunk as a lord)

try to work shit out here (figuratively speaking, of course) and see if I can't turn water into OB Lager.

Peep game:

***

I love The Great Gatsby like I love my dick size, but no way is it better than Maugham's The Moon and Sixpence. No way...Nas's upcoming album, Hip-Hop Is Dead...The N (wish he'd drop that "...The N" part), may very well be a future classic, but this tracklist doesn't exactly have me itching to cop it. Does Salaam Remi have incriminating evidence against Mr. Nasir Jones or something?...Is HBO's The Wire really that dope? I bought the first season on DVD a few weeks ago, but haven't gotten around to watching a single episode yet...Quick review: Haruki Murakami's collection of career-spanning short stories, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, is a must read for hardcore Murakami enthusiasts, despite containing some mediocre-as-fuck, and one truly abysmal (I'm looking at you, "A Shinagawa Monkey"), selections...My planned 2006-2007 NBA season inaugural post, titled "And I Pack Heat Like I'm the Oven Door," has been postponed indefinitely...And speaking of basketball (last time this post, swears), anyone know if The Bane of My Existence -- aka the new ball -- is for sale in the ROK? 'Cause I'd really like to get my hands on one and write a review about it. Then throw it in front of an oncoming subway...Why is Lee Sa-Bi (이사비) now known as Lee Eon-Jeong (이언정)? I saw her on TV the other day and was like I know I've seen that girl naked before, but where? Tricky, tricky, Ms. Lee...With all due respect to the incomparable TMH, here's my list of The Top 5 Songs Subliminally About Constipation: 1) "Brothers Gonna Work It Out" by Public Enemy, 2) "When the Levee Breaks" by Led Zeppelin, 3) "Something's Gotta Give" by the Beastie Boys, 4) "Push It" by Salt-N-Peppa, and 5) "Walk Like an Egyptian" by The Bangles...True story: I was once nearly expelled from junior high for whistling the horn sample from Public Enemy's "Can't Truss It." Subterfuge, dig it...Is there a more annoying sound than the prompt MSN Messenger gives when someone sends you a message? If so, I've yet to hear it...How's this for hypocrisy? Earlier today my wife asked me if I had taken my medication (antibiotics -- interestingly, the same kind prescribed to people suffering from gonorrhea -- to hopefully ensure my face isn't eaten by bacteria/The Ark of the Covenant), and I lied and told her I did. I didn't. My daughter was sitting next to me at the time, and when The Big Nurse went into the kitchen to check the validity of my false claim, I snuck the little girl a crafty wink. Then I got busted for lying***. My excuse for not taking my medicine was this: it makes me queasy. OK; I got off with a warning, promising to take my pills tomorrow and mow the invisible lawn for a million Sundays. But an hour later, the 18th Letter watching Pinocchio on DVD, I was confronted by just how much of a hypocrite I am. The little girl ran up to me, explaining that something was wrong with the titular puppet: his nose was growing at an alarming rate. I sat her down and explained that, indeed, Pinocchio's nose grew, because he had told a lie, and that it is wrong to do so, finishing up with the damning quote "Daddy never tells lies, right? So you shouldn't either." I realize my daughter is still too young to call bullshit on me, but still...I dislike many things (snow, phone solicitations, hard labor), but, perhaps surprisingly so, bicycles fastened to the roofs of vehicles ranks close to the top of the list of things which I disdain. They're aesthetically displeasing. Infuriating, even. This serves as fair warning if I'm ever arraigned for beating a motorist to death with a Schwinn frame...

Time's up. I think we made a lot of progress tonight. Hopefully next session we'll have a solid purpose****. Until then, stay beautiful, keep your braids tight, and your stash tighter.

Yours,

Fishbowl Fisherman

* Today's lunch consisted of 짜파게티, a glass of grape juice, and a bowl of French vanilla ice cream. It gave me more than enough energy to daydream all day about overthrowing despotic governments with Mandy Moore.

** Hi, Mom.

*** Certainly it wasn't for the first time; nor, I fear, will it be the last. It's a vicious cycle, my friends. I need help. Even my good friend Emilio Estevez thinks so.

**** If you catch my drift.