The new Outkast album is a very bad word -- Review

But anyhow when in doubt went on out and bought it
Cause I thought it would be jammin, but examine all the flawsky-wawsky
Awfully, it's sad and it's costly, but that's all she wrote
And I hope I never have to float in that boat
Up shit's creek "it's weak" is the last quote
That I want to hear when I'm goin down, when all's said and done
And we got a new Joe in town
When the record player get to skippin and slowin down
All y'all can say is them niggas earned that crown, but until then...

--Dre (Andre 3000), Rosa Parks

The first red flag for me was the release date -- for both the album and film -- continually being pushed back. The second red flag was the track listing. What I originally thought was going to be a new Outkast record turned out to be, instead, a mixture of Big Boi and Andre 3000 solo joints sprinkled with 4 meagre songs on which they appear as a duo. So, essentially, the last real Outkast album was Stankonia. 6 fucking years ago.

Not that I didn't appreciate Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. In fact, I think it's just as accomplished and creative as the 4 Outkast albums which preceded it. But to pull this solo shit again? What gives? The people are clamoring for a new, 100% 'Kast record. Why deny them(me) their(my) wish?

Then again, an alternating Boi/Dre Outkast album is better than nothing, right?

Right!?

Wrong.

Intro

Andre sure loves to speak in a (poor) English accent, doesn't he? I think my opinion on intros and album skits has been well documented.

Mighty 'O'

This song is my shit. It's nothing short of perfect. Category? ain't got none/You know I'm right.

Chills.

Peaches

If you name your daughter "Peaches", there's a 99.87% chance she'll grow up to be either a stripper or a hooker. Just saying.

Wow, we just went from one of Outkast's best songs to one of their worst.

For the record, The Way You Move currently holds that honor. To this day I cannot fathom why it was paired with the sublime Hey Ya! for the last album's debut, double side-A, single. The Way You Move vs. Hey Ya!, hmmmm, that is a tough one.

Idlewild Blue (Don'tchu Worry 'Bout Me)

Dre does his The Love Below thang, this time in a bluesy vein. Remarkably, his lyrics are a little tiresome, but that blues guitar kicks ass something proper like. Love the brief synth work at the end, too.

While by no means a great song, that guitar will stick to your spine like peanut butter to the roof of a toddler's mouth.

Infatuation

Skit. Prince Paul must be spinning in his grave.

N2U

Another strong bass line. Great lyricism on Big Boi's part, though his verses are way too short and the singing wears on the nerves. Khujo guests. Is he the one who lost his leg in an auto accident, or was that T-Mo? Can never tell those two apart. Decent track, but not spectacular. By no means is it spectacular.

[/foreshadowing]

Morris Brown

Is this the new single? Boy, Big Boi (is that redundant?) sure likes to rap about rumors of him and Andre breaking up. Maybe it's because you two won't make a proper album together. Just a guess. But what do I know. Decent percussion. I think Dre is on this for a sec, but his voice is distorted all helium-like. I am Jack's underwhelmed soul.

Chronomentrophobia

It means the fear of time, apparently. Appropriately, it's a very short track. Dre gets his Rick James on to mediocre results. Jesus, we're six songs in and only one great track?

The Train

A very musical track, no pun intended. Kevin Spacey. Bow Tieesque horns permeate. Sounds like it should have been a B-side for one of Speakerboxxx's singles. Or just aborted altogether. I'm really reaching for things to say right now.

Life Is Like a Musical

It's got an 80's feel to it. The melody sounds vaguely familiar. Must be an interpolation of something. At first I thought this was pretty Mehmet Okur, but it grows on one mightily after a few listens. 2nd best song on the "album" so far.

No Bootleg DVDs

Slightly less annoying than than those Piracy Is A Crime ads that accompany most Universal DVDs (though I suppose that's sort of like saying mustard is a less appetizing ice cream sundae topping than diarrhea). You know, the ones you can't skip past and are forced to watch. (As an aside, how fucking stupid is it to tack a message like that onto a legally-purchased DVD?)

As a purchaser of retail CDs and DVDs, I don't appreciate being chastised in such a manner, thank you very much. Incidentally, just so I'm not labeled a hypocrite for reviewing this album before its August 22nd release date, the entire album is available to listen to on Outkast's MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/outkast). I'd like to think that God himself created that page, as a warning.

Hollywood Divorce

I hated this at first, but grew to somewhat like it after subsequent listens. Like, not love, mind you. Little Wayne, surprisingly, donates arguably the song's strongest verse -- and this one has both Dre and Big Boi. Snoop's on this, too; but, as per usual in the new millenium, he stinks up the place.

Zora

Shit...I mean skit.

Call The Law

The chick singing on this sounds like she's singing the intro song to a Bond flick. This is absolutely terrible. I'm going to drink some whiskey to numb the pain. You know what, this album is actually making me want to avoid the Idlewild film at all costs. Not that I wanted to see it in the first place; however I actually believed this album could be something special. Purple Rain it so fucking ain't. I don't believe in nothin' no more.

Bamboo & Cross

Big Boi's kids are swearing again. Redundant, and, if you ask me, borderline child abuse.

Buggface

Big Boi's doing the same flow he kicked on The Rooster. Another subpar track. I'm going to give all of my money to various charities and join the Peace Corps. This song's chorus will make you believe in hell, I'm absolutely convinced.

Makes No Sense At All

It certainly doesn't. More helium-stylee Andre singing. ABC/ 123/ do-re-mi/ out of key. Yes, those are actual lyrics. Is 3000 trying to be ironic? He's in on the joke, right? He knows this album is shit and is slyly winking at the listener; he must be. This is awful beyond words.

In Your Dreams

If you should read of my arrest for drunkenly throwing a trash can through a shop window like Mookie in Do the Right Thing, blame this album. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

It's a wrap like Christmas. 'Nuff said.

PJ & Rooster

A sample from the movie. Sounds like Terrence Howard is in it. If you want to see a really great movie featuring that worthy, check out Hustle & Flow, the best film I've seen this year.

As for the Idlewild film, is it a musical? It must be. I swear, this is poised to be worse than From Justin to Kelly. And to receive several Razzies.

Mutron Angel

Finally, a song that I can at least stomach. This appeals to my Radiohead sensibility. This is a great song, actually. A great song surrounded by turds. I'm sobbing now like a little baby. Thought you should know.

Greatest Show On Earth

Hey, it's Macy Gray! It wasn't enough that she almost singlehandedly ruined the first Spider-Man film with her cameo, she has to go and kick this album and its listeners when they're down. Loved her part in Training Day, though.

You're Beautiful

Snippet from the film. While you're here, I think Byron Crawford summed it up best when he wrote that hip-hop now has its own Tusk.

When I Look In Your Eyes

Sounds like a Sharon, Lois and Bram song. No word of a lie. Maybe Andre, if his film and music career should tragically fall apart (and this "album" is definitely a step in the wrong -- as it were -- direction), has a future entertaining Canadian elementary school children.

Dyin' To Live

Some pretty nifty organ work at the song's opening. Dre's singing is booty, though. I'll admit, after The Love Below I believed he could do anything. Sadly, it appears Superman is dead.

(By the way, if the 2006 Posse Draft denz and I conducted last week were real, my initial pick would be on the waiver wire right now.)

A Bad Note

Sounds like a random Pink Floyd song that everybody claims to like but invariably skips past whenever it comes on. Again, they must be in on the joke here. There's no way either of them thought this was a worthy addition to their catalogue.

Conclusion: I'm not being funny here: Outkast is dead to me. Dead. This "album" is terrible beyond any comprehension of the word. It starts off strong with Mighty 'O', proceeds to aggravate with one lackluster song after another, and then plunges face first into a fetid pool of excrement.

This album is like a kick in the nuts.

I hate Outkast and I want to die.

Rating: 1/5 *_*