Fast Food Notion

Filet-O-Fish

On Monday afternoon I went into a public restroom in order to

(admire my handsome features in the mirror)

push the mail, and upon entering the stall I was surprised to see a set of keys dangling from the hanger attached to the door. And not just any old set of keys, mind you, but the keys to a BMW.

I immediately

(threw them in my pocket)

weighed my options: 1) surprise my wife and make up for forgetting her birthday, 2) do my business and leave the keys where they were, or 3) be a Good Samaritan and try to track down the keys' owner.

Obviously I picked the first option, but unfortunately a moment later there was a knock at the door.

The absent-minded driver had returned.

He apologized for disrupting my moment of zen, asked if his keys were inside, I begrudgingly said that, yes, they were, and handed them to him over the stall door.

And I ask: who hangs their car keys on the stall door of a public bathroom?

Goddam BMW owners, that's who.

Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Yesterday I caught Kurt Russell (of 3000 Miles to Graceland fame) in Soldier on OCN. Boy, what a stinker that was. Which I found surprising, seeing as how it's directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.

I can't believe the same guy who directed this piece of junk also directed possibly the best film released in the 90's not named Pulp Fiction or The Shawshank Redemption:

Boogie Nights.

(Wait for it, wait for it...)

What really confused me though was that, the whole movie, Kurt talked like Peppermint Patty's sidekick, Marcie.

6-Piece Chicken McNuggets

This will blow your mind. Press rewind if it hasn't.

Happy Meal

The 18th Letter had the day off from pre-school today, and I had the esteemed honor of looking after her. Here's a (truncated) diary of what transpired:

9:02 -- My wife has been gone only two minutes, and already the little girl is crying for her. Weird, that usually occurs after I lock her in the closet.

9:35 -- I have to do some work (really!), so I put a Dora the Explorer DVD on for the little angel. Minutes later I hear her from the other room shouting "say backpack, say backpack!" "Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!" and "death to the wack MCs!!!"

OK, that last one was from me.

10:16 -- The little girl is at me, tugging my shirt and whining.

"What's the matter? Can't you see that Daddy's busy? Now go watch Dora the Explorer," I say.

"More like Bora the Explorer," she retorts, then pokes me in the eye, steals my wallet and runs out of the room, cackling maniacally.

10:25 -- I give in and agree to read the little darling a book.

"'This is Elmo's favorite toy, David.' What's your favorite toy?" I ask.

"Mommy's boobies," she exclaims.

What a coincidence, mine too.

10:27 -- Further reading includes Green Eggs and Ham (homosexual propaganda) and One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish, which, if it's ever turned into a Hollywood movie -- and let's face it, Hollywood would turn an empty can of Pringles into a movie if it could* -- should totally be directed by David Lynch and star Kyle MacLachlan's chin.

16 oz. Frosty

I know it's vexingly hot and humid these days, but that still doesn't make the idea of taking a cold shower an enticing one.

While I was alone at home this afternoon, our gas boiler decided to act up just as -- wouldn't you know it -- I was about to shower.

You know how you can, after diving into frigid water, eventually become acclimated to the temperature? Well, the same thing doesn't work in the shower. Weird; you'd think it would.

Oddly enough, I found that this unique brand of torture makes me speak like an old Irish man ("Oh Lard, 'tis cold!"), and that sometimes it's OK to only wash one side.




* Actually, an empty can of Pringles has been used as the concept for a Korean TV show. My question though is, who wants to spend 30 minutes watching someone play keepy uppie with a small can of Pringles when their time could be better spent watching two greasy-looking youths battle head-to-head for Star Craft supremacy?

Thought so.