Next Level Shit (2006 NBA Playoffs: Round 2)

Yesterday, there was a moment when I realized that the media almost made me declare this year's playoffs to be the best ever. Sometimes I be trippin', man. I mean, we're only past the first round. How the hell could I call these playoffs the best ever when there are still 3 more rounds to go?

Then I corrected myself, acknowledging that this year's playoffs have (has? Can I get a ruling on this?) the potential to be the best ever, something foreshadowed by the first round, which undoubtedly was the best first round ever.

But is that true? It has certainly been the best first round which I can remember, but that doesn't count for much. Although I've been a diehard NBA fan for over 15 years, I can barely remember the matchups from last year. Ask me to tell you who team A or team B played in the first round of x or y year, and I'd be really hard pressed to give you a correct answer, I think. Perhaps that proves this post season's first round has been the greatest, but I think it just means I have a damn poor memory. I'm Guy Pearce in Memento like that.

If you think about it, there have only been 2 great series: Cavs/Wizards and Lakers/Suns. The Mavs/Grizzlies series stunk to high heaven, as did Clippers/Nuggets. The rest were mediocre at best.

Then again, there have been at least 9 great games: Dwyane Wade's comeback, 3 Cavs/Wizards games decided by a single point, Brent Barry's divine bounce and Kevin Martin's holy roller, the "Kobe" and "Tim Thomas" games, and Dirk's 3 to force overtime. Maybe the reason I feel, deep down, that this was the best first round ever is because I saw 8 of those games* (I missed Kobe's heroics because that game was aired at like 3 in the morning). Or maybe it's because I'm a sheep who has been manipulated by the media.

Regardless, it's been quite a ride. Here's hoping the motherfucking saga continues. Below are predictions for the 2nd round:


Eastern Conference Semi-Finals





vs.




Lebron and Co. (aka The Amish All Stars), meet the new Pistons, same as the old Pistons. As much as I would like to see the outstanding play continue, I think the Pistons will steamroll a Cavs team that proved in their series with the Wizards that they play defense about as well as I play the hurdy gurdy, which is to say really fucking terribly.

Last round, I had an inkling the Bucks might steal one, but predicted the sweep anyway. Here, I have a strong feeling the Cavs are going to become the title of a Madonna movie directed by Guy Ritchie, but I'm predicting they get at least one win before going down. Thanks for coming out, fellas.

Prediction: Detroit wins series 4-1




vs.




I'm afraid. I am very afraid. The Heat looked absolutely terrible in the first two games they lost in Chicago, and then they reasserted themselves. Wade played like utter crap until his comeback from that -- scarier to watch than a porno starring the cast of Golden Girls -- fall he took in game 5, and let's not even mention how poorly Shaq played. Hopefully that 30 and 20 he notched in the series' final game is a sign of things to come rather than an anomaly (there's a depressing thought). The Heat still need to find a way to stop Vince the Ballerina, but I'm picking them to win the series. They might even squash NJ. It could so happen! The key to a series win for Miami? Gary Payton. I'm dead serious.

Still, I'm scared out of my fucking wits.

Prediction: Miami wins series 4-2

Eastern Conference Champions: Detroit Pistons


Western Conference Semi-Finals




vs.




Even if this series is well-played and goes the distance, I doubt I could be made to care much about it. I'll certainly try, but over the past half decade I've grown increasingly bored watching San Antonio play their succinct brand of team ball. And Dallas, from what I've seen of them this year, looks pretty much the same. I think Dallas might actually be the favorite, which is completely bugshit crazy. Yeah, they're good, but the Spurs are going to own them like Donald Trump does real estate.

Prediction: San Antonio wins series 4-2




vs.




I like being right. It was a little intense for a few days there, but after Tim Thomas's miracle of a shot, I knew Phoenix was taking game seven. I predicted the Lakers would be lucky to take one at home; as it turned out, they took two. And then they folded like an accordion. Did you really believe the Lakers would pull off a series win with those scrubs? Did you really believe the L would allow for its two-time MVP to get upset in the first round by the one guy who legitimately deserved the award? Kidding of course (I'm sure some fans in southern California feel that way, though), but it's nice to see Nash and the Suns proving their critics wrong. And me right.

Ahem. As for this matchup against the Clippers, it appears that, like Rodney Dangerfield, the Suns still can't get any respect. Boy, sports writers can be really goddamn fickle, huh? Minus Kobe's clutch shooting in game 4, the 2 Suns losses were anomalies. Now they're right back on track. I can't understand how the Clips are favored here. I watched Phoenix walk all over them earlier this season, and the trend should continue. Sure, they have no interior defense, but that's less of an issue than you might think. Look for Chris Kaman to continue his shaky play, and the Clippers to struggle keeping up with the Suns' fast-paced style. (Good to see you back, fast-paced style. How was your short hiatus?) Wanna know something else? The Clips have more success running with Phoenix when Elton Brand sits.

Prediction: Suns win series 4-2

Western Conference Champions: San Antonio Spurs

What, no series will go seven games? Looks that way to me. I hope I'm wrong. I also hope it isn't the Miami/NJ series that does.

One more thing: if I hear another announcer use the verb will, as in "Lebron James willed that shot to go in," or "Dwyane Wade is willing the Heat to victory," I'm writing a stern letter. To someone.

* Edit: I also missed Kev-Mart's game 3 shot.