Two plus two is four (Bucks vs. Pistons)

“Listen. And understand. That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”

-- Kyle Reese, The Terminator

This weekend wasn't a very good one in terms of basketball. First, for god knows what reason, not a single opening round matchup was aired on Korean TV yesterday; and second, it rained, making it impossible for me to play some hoops.

The week starts off on a more promising note, albeit a slight one, with Super Action broadcasting game 1 of the Bucks/Pistons series. I much would have preferred to see any other game on the schedule today, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth, even though the following pics pretty well sum up the theme of this series:






That out of the way, let's begin my 2006 NBA playoffs experience:

Saturday's games: Cavs win and Lebron notches a triple-double in his first playoff appearance, making him only the 3rd player to do so, and the first since Magic Johnson. Gangster...Miami had a scare against the Bulls, but managed to come away with the W. It's nice to see Udonis Haslem -- who may be suspended a game for allegedly throwing a mouthpiece (the one he wears; not Gary Payton) at referee Joey Crawford -- picking up the slack in 'Zo's absence. Just like old(bad) times...The Kings got squashed like Barry Horowitz...And 'Melo proved he's only human after all...Today's games: What'd I tell you about the Pacers?...And about the Suns? I'm dumbfounded as to how many professional sports writers actually picked the Lakers to win that series. Like Jimmy Fontaine says in The Godfather, "no chance...there's no chance."...

Make the music with your mouth, Biz

I'm hoping this game will be not unlike the 1st round opening game from last year between the Spurs and Nuggets, in which the Nuggets managed to steal a win (before getting swept)...Because I'm still bitter that not one station chose to broadcast a game yesterday, here's a brief list comparing living in Korea to living in Canada: Pros: cheap smokes. Cons: everything else...Rasheed Wallace isn't there yet in terms of being a Mike Tyson-like athlete who appears to be an epic monster until he speaks and you suddenly realize how much of a sissy he sounds like, but it's close...Why are there so many bad puns in sports writing? I realize I'm a perpetrator of this myself, to a certain degree, but if I check out ESPN.com and have to endure reading "All That Glitters..." in reference to the Nuggets, "No Bull" in reference to the Heat, or "Cavalier Attitude" in reference to Lebron and Co., I will seriously lose my shit...The Clippers won their first playoff game since 1997 yesterday. So? Is that supposed to be a long time? Talk to me when they actually make it to the 2nd round...The little girl is in fine form this morning. Coffee's got nothing on hearing "GOOD MORNING DADDY!" as soon as one wakes up...A quick note: we won't be doing any commercial matchups today. I don't know whether you appreciate that, but my bowels and my bladder certainly do...Before we get to the (joke of a) Super Action studio, they play a nice introductory promo. Strangely, it doesn't show any players donning tights...You know, Super Action could really do away with those life-size cutouts of KG and Tracy McGrady. And don't get me started on the action figures placed on a shelf behind analyst Choi Een-Seon. Where are they shooting this from, a 12-year-old's bedroom?...The little girl is singing that monkeys jumping on the bed song, then she hops on my lap and asks me to play her like a guitar. Rock and roll...Jeff Van Gundy is part of the TNT announcing team. Damn, now I actually want to hear the English commentary...Milwaukee is tight (*snicker*)...'Sheed forces it, then collects his own rebound and slams it home to open up today's scoring...Bobby Simmons at the other end with a 3-pointer...Quote from my daughter, referring to Jamal Magloire: "look at big head." That's it, I'm calling him Big Head from now on...Big Head just scored!...The Bucks take an early lead, 9-2, before Flip Saunders calls a time-out. Only problem is, it was a 20-second time-out, and Super Action, because the station is run by morons, cut back to the game late. Someone from the Pistons got a bucket, but it beats me whom...Ben Wallace, resembling a point guard rather than a center, steals the ball at midcourt and drives for a layup...Milwaukee had better not continue to settle for outside shots...The Pistons have made a bunch of uncharacteristic turnovers so far...Is there anything funnier than the awkward videos of players that accompany their profiles? I'm reminded of the scene in Grizzly Man where, after the coroner has given Jewel Palovak Tim Treadwell's watch, Herzog lets the camera linger a tad too long. Talk about uncomfortable silences...Man, Tayshaun Prince is stinking up the place...TNT is playing Fort Minor's Remember the Name before commercials. It's a step up from Shania Twain, or whatever the hell they played last year...Our sideline reporter for tonight's game is Stephanie Ready. She sure is...Michael, your surname is "Redd", not "Jordan". Settle down...We're tied at 19 after one...TNT shows a graphic which describes Big Head's team role as "space eater." Oh, man. Give me a sec, okay? Space eater? Who is he, Galactus? A Langolier? I hate to do it, but I'm changing Mags's unofficial nickname from "Big Head" to "The Black Hole". That works on so many levels...Breakfast time! The little angel has a habit of leaving the table during meals, which prompts me to sternly count backwards from five. The problem is, when my wife does this she counts upwards from 1. As Jon Voight said in Deliverance, we have to get together on this...Andrew Bogut with a pretty left-handed layup. Certainly not Lebronesque, but he's doing fairly well in his first playoff appearance...Redd and Rip Hamilton are both 1-for-7. Ugh...Bogut with a monster dunk...TNT tells us that Chauncy Billups's role is "big shots late". Nice to see TNT dumbing things down for the playoffs. Next we might see this used to describe Terry Stotts: "tells players on his team what to do"...Detroit is up 43-37 at the half...Super Action just showed an ad for the new film 도마뱀 (Lizard), starring Gang Hye-Jeong, who is something of a chameleon herself these days. I always get a kick out of Korean celebrities attributing their cosmetic surgery to weight loss, or a strict excercise regimen. High comedy...Yesterday I bought a can of Coke Zero. Seriously, what the hell is the difference between this and Diet Coke? They taste exactly the same. Give me a Pepsi Free. No? How about a TAB, then?...'Sheed just got T'ed (true indeed/RIP, Dana Reeves). I for one am shocked...Tayshaun, in the immortal words of Eli Wallach, when you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk...Detroit has opened up an 11-point lead...The new ad for the KIA Lotze (Italian for "faulty parts," I think) depicts a Korean guy being hotly pursued by evil, ugly white men. What's the point of filming a car commercial like an action movie, anyway? No one really drives like that. Isn't that like having a televsion commercial for cooking knives in which the ad's protagonist uses them to murder people? Yes, it's exactly like that. Strangely, I didn't see any professional stunt driver in closed conditions disclaimer. Then I realized what country I'm living in...Man, Rip Hamilton sure is stinking up the place. Of course, as soon as I write that he makes a bucket. Man, Jennifer Garner sure wears too many clothes...T.J. Ford AND Andrew Bogut are issued technicals, for what exactly I'm not sure...TNT says Rip Hamilton's team role is "efficient scorer". Well, except for today, that is...Detroit is up by 17. This is getting ugly like Tara Reid...The Bucks break out a full-court press. What they really ought to break out is chloroform...To quote my high school gym teacher, this game is getting herky-jerky...Flip calls a time-out after Milwaukee cuts the lead to 12...68-56 Pistons after 3...The Bucks have pulled to within 7...Make that 4...Rip Hamilton is hobbling. Is the Pistons' unbelievable 3-year streak of good health in danger? Probably not. They have adamantium-laced skeletons or something...Whenver I see the NBA promo where Paul Pierce says "that's how it's goin' down," I want to punch him...What did I tell you? Rip is right back for the next play. He's got a healing factor like Wolverine, I'm convinced. No one that rail thin could stay as injury-free as he has, otherwise...The Pistons are back up by 13...Antonio McDyess with a monster putback jam. See what I mean? Before McDyess came to Detroit, he was plagued by injury and sore knees his entire career. Now he's arguably the Sixth Man of the Year. I swear, the Pistons organization is like that alien spacecraft from The Tommyknockers...I just noticed that Joe Smith and Michael Redd are co-captains of the Bucks. They even have nifty little Cs on their jerseys and everything, like hockey players. What other NBA teams do that?...Uh-oh, Rip Hamilton is hobbling again...Ron Harper is an assistant coach for the Pistons?...Remember when the most annoying attire basketball players wore was knee-high socks? Ah, such simpler times those were...Alright, time to put in the scrubs. You can't stop Darvin Ham, you can only -- oh, forget it. I wonder which is more foolish, (a) believing the Bucks could take one in Detroit, (b) that a Wu-Tang solo album from a member other than Ghostface will be half decent, or (c) that a new movie starring Eddie Murphy might actually be good?...Final score: Detroit 92, Milwaukee 74. Player of the Game: Ben Wallace.