Suicide is Painless (Heat vs. Nets)

I was unable to play basketball yesterday due to inclimate weather, so I went to E-Mart instead, which is roughly equivalent to making a sandwich with borax because there is no ham or cheese in the fridge. As always, the trip was far from a pleasant experience, however I did see 2 pretty cool things.

The first happened as we descended into the basement on the conveyor belt deal that looks more fit for ushering livestock into an abattoir. Two kids were rudely pushing past people in order to get to the bottom faster, and right after they nudged me out of the way, they tried to squeeze past a middle-aged gentleman. The guy wouldn't budge, and when one of the kids stepped up on the metal side railing and bumped him hard in order to get by, the middle-aged guy whacked the kid in the back of the head with magnum force.

Vigilante justice. Sweet.

I saw the second thing not long before we were about to leave the basement. "Oh my god, look how tall that woman is," my wife said to me. Tall would be an understatement. The woman was an Amazon! No joke, she was definitely over 7 feet tall (close to 7 feet and 3 inches, by my estimate). This being Korea, most people held no reservations against openly gawking at her -- and for once I couldn't really blame them. Not only was she the tallest woman I've ever seen, she was young and fairly attractive to boot. Not something you see everyday, that's for sure.

So the proverbial cloud had a silver lining of sorts. Two, actually, because I later found out that Super Action was broadcasting the Miami Heat's next game, against the New Jersey Nets, on Monday morning. Only trouble was that the game was to start at 7am. But me being a hardcore Heat fan, I decided to forego sleeping in -- even though I had only 4 hours sleep the night prior and needed the rest -- in favor of catching the game. As has been the trend here recently, I also decided to keep a running diary of how things played out:

I got up at 5:45 this morning, which pretty much guarantees that I'll feel like a can of smashed assholes for the rest of the day. It better be worth it...I loathe Vince Carter. Don't think I've ever mentioned that before...The Nets are winners of 11 straight. Still, I'm not too worried. Their bench is about as solid as OJ Simpson's alibi, or a loose-meat sandwich...Man, I can't tell you how much it sucks not being able to have a cold beer or 10 while watching a sporting event. One morning -- and this day may come soon -- I'm going to get completely ripped while watching a game. It wouldn't exactly set a good example for my daughter, but neither does farting loudly in public and picking wax from my ears and eating it, both which I'm known to do on occasion. Might as well go all in is my philosophy...Yesterday morning I was watching the Korean TV program Surprise, and realized that the Eastern European actor on the show (the guy with the big forehead who's in like every story involving westerners) looks almost exactly like the Spurs' Rasho Nesterovic. It's uncanny...While we're on the subject of lookalikes, Eric Williams looks like M.O.P.'s Lil Fame -- and, if you want to get all old skool and shit, Kenny Anderson looks like Sadat X...Totally unrelated, but whatever happened to Keon Clark? I did some investigating and found this, from Wikipedia: "Currently, Clark is residing in his hometown of Danville, and his off-court issues remain a factor in day-to-day life. Friends and neighbors of Clark claim that he is using cocaine and marijuana reguarly." Ouch...If I were trying to mount a case for a conspiracy involving Isiah Thomas's intentful destruction of the New York Knicks franchise, my first suspects would be the people running the Nets (they're moving to Brooklyn soon, and stand to benefit by all of the Knicks' recent woes). Know who's a part owner of the Nets, by the way? Sean Carter, aka Jay-Z. I wouldn't put it past Hova. Just look how ingeniously he masterminded the character assassination of Nas with The Takeover...I believe there are 2 kinds of people: those who like Vince Carter, and those who work hard for a living...OK, the game's about to start. There's no telling how long until the little girl wakes up and basketball is forced to compete with Sesame Street...Get well soon, Big Man...According to Super Action, the Heat are currently 39 and 36. WTF?...Holy shit, Shaq's playing. OK, then: get well soon, Other Big Man ('Zo)...Also, Derek Anderson and Gary Payton are starting. Huh?...Shaq opens up the game's scoring, making his first shot...Nenad with an airball. *Snicker*...Udonis Haslem at the other end with an airball of his own...Lots of early turnovers for both teams...Haslem takes a shot to the nose from Vince and still manages to sprint to the basket for a fast break dunk...Nice floater in the lane, Dwyane (insane in the brain/Snakes on a Plane). Try to score more than 14 points this time, okay?...If this game were a bun-based food item, it'd be a Sloppy Joe. And, yes, that's 2 loose-meat references so far. I'm going for the record..I think Riles is required under contract to shout the word "bullshit" every time Shaq is whistled for an offensive foul...The Nets are running the break well...As an added bonus, I'm keeping score of how many times Super Action plays the 미녀는석류를좋아해 commercial versus the ad for the Flatron computer monitor. 미녀는석류를좋아해 is up 1-0 to start, but Flatron soon follows with the equalizer...Good morning, sunshine...Derek Anderson is shooting at 25% since becoming a member of the Heat. So obviously the best idea would be to make him a starter. Makes perfect sense...Wade is hurt. Nooooo!...I can't go anywhere these days without hearing The Caesars' Jerk It Out...Mercifully, Wade's injury wasn't serious, and after a time-out he's back for the next play...Funny Korean announcers quirk no. 82: referring to Antoine Walker as, simply, Antoine. He certainly deserves to be referred to on a first-name basis, right up there with "Michael," "Larry," and "Magic". Sure he does...Richard Jefferson goes under the net for an amazing reverse dunk...Elmo makes his first appearance, thankfully only in doll form...The little angel tells me she just farted. Good to know...VC with a 3 at the buzzer. The Nets lead 19-18 after 1...Obviously, the key to Miami's success lies with Michael Doleac, Derek Anderson, Shandon Anderson and Jason Kapono, or as I like to call them, The Big Guns. What, did Stan Van Gundy find some way to kidnap Pat Riley and disguise himself to look just like him?...The aforementioned guys are all getting serious PT today, but where's Wayne Simien is what I wanna know...미녀는석류를좋아해 2, Flatron 2. The two commercials look evenly matched early on...I ask the little angel who she's rooting for. "The white team," she says without a moment's hesitation, the turncoat...Jason Kidd has been extremely quiet thus far...Flatron comes on strong to take a 4-2 lead...Elmo, according to the little girl, has just peed on the sofa...If you love turnovers, this game is right up your alley...I just now realized that Jason Williams isn't playing. Chalk that up to me being as tired as a tractor-trailer...Wince get's T'd up. Oh look, I think the little sissy-boy's going to cry!...미녀는석류를좋아해 gets to within one before Flatron goes ahead again by 2. Flatron 5, 미녀 3...As for the actual game -- which is only marginally more exciting -- the Nets lead 42-39 at the half...I've had a total of 8 hours sleep these past two days, and I'm beat. Not good, considering it's only 8am. This is going to be a long week...Nice pink shirt, J-Dub. I'm sure it goes well with your tights...I just noticed that James Posey is sitting, too. Bummer, because it's childishly amusing for me to hear the Korean announcers pronounce his surname, which sounds close to the Korean slang term for vagina...Gary, that 3 just isn't falling. Give it a rest, alright?...NJ has opened up an 8-point lead...Flatron is now ahead by 3...The Nets' lead is now 11...Wade is heating up. He has 26 points. Unfortunately, so does the rest of his team combined...미녀는석류를좋아해 pulls to within 2...Dwyane Wade just mauled Vince Carter, probably because he's upset that Vince is wearing the same color tights as he is...Riles: bullshit! That's fucking bullshit! I don't think I need to tell you that Shaq was just called for another offensive foul. That's 5 for Diesel, and we're still only in the 3rd quarter...Antoine can't even hit a free throw. I loathe Antoine Walker. Don't think I've ever mentioned that before...Sun Sports brings up a graphic promoting their Chevy Fishing Report. This Week: Fishing for Dolphin. Er, okay...The Heat are down by 14...Make that 17, after a 3-pointer by Vince Carter...Have I mentioned that I really hate Antoine Walker?...Another 3 from Vince. I should have slept in...How much does it cost to run an ad on this bloody channel, 10 won? And, really, how effective is it to inundate your audience with the same 5 commercials over and over again? There's a word for that, you know: it's called spam, and it's fucking annoying as hell...You can't stop Jason Kapono; you can only hope to contain him...After 3: Nets 74, Heat 58...The Heat have cut the Nets' lead to 12...ANOTHER lane violation after a missed Shaq free throw. This is ridiculous...Heat are down by 11...Flatron 7, 미녀 5...The Heat are finally tightening up on D...After a 13-0 run, the Heat are within 7. Admittedly, 2 of those points came from what was obviously offensive goaltending on Shaq's part...The Nets are back up by 10...Flatron is ahead 8-5...Again, Miami can't keep up with New Jersey on the break...Vince with another 3. I fucking hate that guy...미녀는석류를좋아해 gets to within 2 again, but, like Miami, I don't think it can catch up...And here's Flatron with another spot. This ad is unstoppable!...Antoine Walker tries to save a loose ball from going out of bounds and winds up hitting a ref it the nuts with it. That pretty much sums up the game for me (in case I'm being too Sound and the Fury, Chapter 5 for you, I'm the ref in this analogy)...NJ has now beaten the Heat 3 times this season. Still, no way Lawrence Frank outcoaches Pat Riley if the two teams end up playing each other in a 7-game series...Amazingly, Shaq didn't foul out...Make that 12 straight wins for the Nets...Today's Garbage-Time MVP: Antoine Walker...Final Score: Nets 90, Heat 78.