The Pandora Experiment: Part I

Some months ago (December, I think) I wrote briefly about how I believed The Music Genome Project was overhyped. Since then I haven't changed my opinion. I don't think it's bad, exactly; I just feel that it receives a lot more good publicity and word of mouth than it deserves. For me, it's a novel concept that grows tiresome quickly, due to the fact that it plays the same songs again and again. And again. Just like the radio, but without tons of commercials. Still, every now and then it'll throw on a track that both surprises and pleases me. Just last week I was listening to it when the song Where My Homiez? by one hit wonders Ill Al Scratch came on, and I had to smile. I really like that song, but hadn't heard it in over 7 years, and had almost completely forgotten about it. So Pandora's not a total waste of time in my opinion; please don't get me wrong.

But it still isn't the revolutionary website many people claim it to be. Perhaps it one day will be. Or perhaps -- and this is the likelier scenario -- it'll turn crassly more commercial than it already is. Please, let's not fool ourselves here: the site exists as a way to get you, the listener, to hopefully buy music online. In that regard, it's better than, say, hearing 30 seconds of a song on Amazon -- but it's also far behind every P2P website out there, the only advantage it has over those programs being that with Pandora you get songs instantly, instead of waiting for them to download; but you can't save the song, and you can't go back and listen to a particular song again. And (usually, in my case) the song Pandora puts on is one which you don't want to hear. Trust me, if the site doesn't influence enough people to buy music, it'll disappear. At this point, I wouldn't cry too much if it did. Actually, I wouldn't cry at all. Because I never have*. Crying's for girls and men with low testosterone.

That said, I decided to conduct a small experiment, to either prove or disprove to myself whether Pandora is getting better, and to hopefully show you, dear reader, why I'm so ambivalent toward it. This experiment will be conducted in three parts, the first consisting of a genre of music which I love and know a great deal about (hip-hop), the second consisting of a genre which I dig but could stand to receive greater guidance of (rock), and the third being a genre which I care absolutely nothing about (adult contemporary). I hope it'll be interesting. If not, at least it'll give me an opportunity to sound like a cynical prick.

Before we begin, some predictions and notes:

1) There is a 100% chance the fucking thing will play Renegades, by Jay-Z and Eminem.

2) It still hasn't heard of Lord Finesse, which is unforgivable.

3) It plays hip-hop that I dig the best if I use my Beastie Boys station. What the fuck is up with that? Nothing against the Beasties, but I'd expect to hear something equally good from an EPMD or Ultramagnetic MCs station. Instead, what I get is shit such as Black Rob, or Little Cease. What the fuck is up with that?

4) There is a 100% chance it'll play something from either of the 2 shitty EPMD "reunion" albums.

Let's get it on like Marvin Gaye (after I finish listening to Funky Boss, that is. Get off my back):

Station selected: I went with a group for which I've never created a station, Nice & Smooth. Hopefully the adware currently running amok on my PC doesn't start flooding me with pop-ups for anal lubricant.

(OK, the Beasties station is now playing House and the Rising Son, by House of Pain. I'll start this experiment as soon as it's over, I promise. What the fuck you gonna do? Nuh-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-nothing.)

Well, here's our first offense: it's never heard of Nice & Smooth. Big surprise there.

Alternate station selected: Big Daddy Kane.

1) Now You're Mine, Gangstarr. Cool, though points deducted because for some reason there are scratches and beat juggling throughout the song. Turntablism is nice to watch in person, but it's always annoyed me hearing it on on a tape, etc. Mostly because a lot of DJs who do it have no skills whatsoever. I just want to vibe to the damn song, okay? By the way, when Guru says "here's one in your eye, you feel pain," I'm always reminded of Tod Browning's Freaks.

2) The Main Event, by Dilated Peoples. More props for Pandora. As a brief aside, Dilated fell off like Wile E. Coyote. Unlike Wile E., however, they never blew up.

3) Back to Back, Large Professor (via Mixmaster Mike). Man, Extra P doesn't sound too fresh on the quick beat. I've never heard this track before. The chorus is corny as hell. The second verse sounds tons better. Maybe Mike was playing the record too fast initially. Another reason I dislike listening to mixtapes. This beat grows on you. Not revolutionary, but decent. But I'm still not gonna cop the album, even though he dropped it. Oh snap, he just mentioned the year 2000. Guess this is older than I thought. Heed your own advice and don't say the year, Paul.

4) The Man, The Icon, Big Daddy Kane (via Babu). More annoying beat juggling. I guess Pandora's program has recognized this and keeps playing songs containing it. Should I tell it I don't like this track? I don't, but I don't really like it too much either (go ahead and marinate on that for a minute). Kane hasn't made a good song since the early 90s. He did fuck Madonna, though, so at least he has that going for him. Maybe he can be on The Surreal Life. Sadly, Kane is aping Jay-Z. I think I'm going to hang myself.

5) El Chupa Nibre, Danger Doom. Did DOOM drink bleach or something before he transformed from Zev Luv X to MF? Were the 2 KMD albums recorded before he hit puberty? How did his voice change so drastically? Those Adult Swim characters' voices are still annoying.

6) I Want Da Mic, Dan the Automator, featuring Kool Keith. OK, I'm pretty happy with what this station's played so far. Incidently, what happened to Keith? around 2000 he was releasing an album seemingly every other month. Now, it's like he retired or died or something. Speaking of dead rappers, here is as good a place as any to lament the murder of D-12's Proof. RIP.

7) Perspectives, Jin. No. Game made a dope album using references to past classics as a sort of crutch, but Jin can't even make a dope song doing the same. How do we get from Dan the Automator to Jin is what I wanna know. Is it because they're both Asian? I can't see any other link.

8) Rock It Out! El Da Sensei. It's been over 10 years, and still these dumbasses on independent labels think they can make commercially viable tracks. This is wack like no tomorrow. I really wish I had a closet or something in this here apartment. Seriously, there are zero fixtures here from which to tie a makeshift noose.

9) Amazing Feats, Smut Peddlers. That's better. While we're here, the only track that stands the test of time, as far as Cage is concerned, after Hell's Winter was released, is Agent Orange. Death by commas, bitches.

10) Years in the Making, Dilated Peoples. Yawn. I like this track a little, but we're only 10 songs in and already hearing tracks from albums played. Also: in retrospect, Dilated are a bunch of pretentious pussies. There, I said it.

11) The Come Up, AZ. Doe or Die was nice and very underappreciated. This track from whichever of the 3 comebacks he's attempted, however, as Jay-Z said, ehhhhhhhh. And if those scratched vocal samples in place of a chorus means this was produced by Premier, which I'm 99.9% sure it was, I'm going out tomorrow to have somebody make me a gun like Lee Geum-Ja's, because I can't take this wackness from past greats no mas.

12) Lost Freestyle, Apathy (via DJ Unknown and Mekalek). Yaw. Yaw, yaw. Yaw, yaw, yaw. Freestyle. Yeah, right. OK lyrics (written, of course, because rappers need to kick written raps in so-called freestyles like major league sluggers need steroids), sleep-inducing beat.

Scoring: My predictions re: Renegades and shitty EPMD didn't come to fruition, which was nice, but I'm sure they would have had I listened longer. Out of 12 songs, Pandora played 3 1/2 (because I'm analytical like that) that I really liked, 3 1/2 that I sorta dug, and 5 that I was ambivalent towards or hated. Still, it was better than I expected it'd be.

Grade: C+

* not even when I found out that Chris Chambers was stabbed and killed while trying to break up a fight in a bar, even though I should have. Some people have iron deficiency; I, on the other hand, have iron-willed tear deficiency. Seriously, if you ever meet me in person, kick me in the nuts and try to prove me wrong.