How Soon Is Yao? (Rockets vs. Blazers)

Earlier this week I received a blog comment, from a gentleman who goes by the vaguely familiar name Anonymous, in which he complained about my lack of coverage in regard to other NBA teams and accused me of being, due to my bias for the Miami Heat, unable to write in detail about a game not involving them. Because I refuse to have anyone criticize me or my work, the comment was promptly deleted. I'm a Nazi like that.

Still, I couldn’t help take his words to heart. Can I write about 2 teams that I have no interest in and make it interesting in the process?

I’m always up for a challenge, and after a complete lack of inspiration while trying to write the next Memory Lane entry, which I started and stopped roughly 74 times before realizing that I currently don’t have the mojo to pull it off, I decided to keep a running diary of today’s game between the Houston Rockets and the Portland Trailblazers instead. Plus, it sounded a lot easier than Anonymous' other suggestion, which was for me to stick my head up my own ass.

Following this game in detail (if you can call it that) certainly won't be easy, or fun. Both teams have absolutely no chance of making the playoffs, and are simply going through the motions as they eagerly await for the season to mercifully come to a close. If I can somehow breathe life into this seemingly uninteresting matchup, I feel I will have proven Anonymous wrong.

I am also using this piece as an opportunity to issue a challenge to my readers who couldn’t give a damn about basketball and normally skip over these kinds of posts (if this describes you, I thank you for sticking with me during this no doubt trying period. I know it can’t be easy). Trust me, in the case of this game, I couldn't give a damn, either. I am simply asking you to do me the favor of reading this post, in its entirety, and then judging for yourself afterwards whether it was worth your time. Readers are encouraged to comment, and I promise to post any and all negative criticism, as long as it’s constructive, and not, say, about how much I suck and how small a penis I have. I don't expect everyone to get all the stuff below, but that's part of what makes it a fun read. If you're confused, consider this as the blog version of a David Lynch movie. With guitars.

And with that, let's hop aboard the caravan of love:

Pregame Warmups:

I hear that for this game Tracy McGrady might be back (spasming)...Reason no. 49311 why I'm smarter than the people who coordinate Rockets home games: whenever Yao Ming makes a nice play, I'd blare the part in Planet Rock where Afrika Bambaataa says "yaoooowww!"...Yao, late last year I had a dream in which you scored 75 points in a single game. With T-Mac out and all, and you guys playing the lowly Blazers, can you do me a huge favor and try to make me look as though I'm a latter-day Nostradamus? Seriously, look who's guarding you. Thnx, Tiberious aka Sparkles. PS - Ha Seung-Jin called your country "dirty" and said you dunk like a little girl...Here's what Yao said after the Rockets' last game, a loss to the Seattle Supersonics: "I don't understand my fouls. I don't understand. It's a normal action." Go ahead and wrap your head around that one...The Trailblazers are losers (of 11 straight)...If Nate MacMillan were a Hollywood director, he'd totally be Bryan Singer...Today's television commercial matchup pits KIA and their esteemed minivan, the Carnival, against our reigning champ, the LG Flatron LCD monitor. Personally, I don't think Flatron, with its recent tough schedule, has what it takes to emerge the victor...If Ha Seung-Jin were a basketball player, he'd totally be Rafael Araujo...Martell Webster and Brian Skinner won't be playing today, supposedly because 2 of Webster's oxen died after his wagon axle broke, and Skinner was accidentally shot while hunting for buffalo. And if you think that's it as far as Oregon Trail references go, you're wrong...Yao should say "got rice, bitch?" everytime he dunks on someone...I'm making a prediction that Yao will be an MVP candidate next season, and I'm never wrong about these things. [Flashback, last August]: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Jerome James will have a pretty good season in NY. He's an underachiever who has the talent and body to be one of the top 5 centers in the East, even though that isn't saying much. Who wrote that? Me? The fuck out. [Flashback 2, last November]: Coach of the Year prediction: Rick Adelman. OK, whoever's doing that, stop it!...The Korean announcers are claiming that Stromile Swift will be the x-factor for the Rockets, which is kinda like saying the appendix is one of the body's most important organs. That's it, I'm referring to Swift as The Appendix from here on out...Now the announcers are discussing Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony. I ask, is there a better story this season than 'Melo becoming one of the L's signature clutch players?...FSN Northwest believes one of the biggest keys for the Blazers, if they hope to pull out a W, is to double team Yao Ming. As the Colonel said in Boogie Nights, oh you think so doctor?...

Jimmy Iovine Time

Yao opens scoring with a layup...Darius Miles looks like he would make a good undercover police officer on TV. Since he's a Blazer, I'm assuming he already knows how to handle a gun...Ming again with a nice fade-away...Joel Przybilla with an airball at the other end of the court...The Blazers are actually double teaming Yao. Unheard of! This is definitely the kind of unorthodox coaching decision only Nate MacMillan would have the guts to try out...Yao blocks a shot, prompting one of the Korean announcers to call him The Great Wall of China. How imaginative!...The LG Flatron commercial opens things up in today's other matchup, but the KIA Carnival immediately follows to tie...This game is being broadcast in Iceland. Just thought you'd like to know...Yao is now being triple teamed. This may be the greatest coaching innovation since "keep your eye on the ball"...You can't stop Keith Bogans, you can only hope to contain him...I bet Luther gets mad Head...Carnival 2, Flatron 2...Darius Miles is the king of double-clutch missed layups...The Appendix makes his first appearance of the game. By the way, if Swift starts playing well, instead of writing "he's heating up" or "he's on fire," I get to comment "The Appendix is starting to swell" and "The Appendix is about to burst!" Lamentably, I don't see The Appendix swelling anytime soon...The score is tied, 17-17, after 1 quarter...What the fuck is going on here? Super Action has just played 6 new commercials consecutively. I have a feeling a momentous sea change has just occurred...Are you gentle?...Looks as though Jeff Van Gundy is going to limit Yao's minutes...Both teams are taking a lot of outside shots...Flatron 3, Carnival 3. I hope anyone reading appreciates what I'm doing here, because I really prefer using the time in between commercial breaks to go to the bathroom. And to surf the Internet for naked pics of Jessica Alba...The Appendix just airballed a free throw. X-factor. Yeah. More like Caliban, or Warren Worthington with razor wings...Theo Ratliff dunks on Yao...The Carnival takes the lead, but Flatron quickly catches up. 4-4...Both teams are taking plenty of 3-point shots...If this game were in Houston, and my advice re: stadium noise were followed, we wouldn't be hearing too many yaooowwws in the building, party people...OK, finally, Yao makes another bucket. Only 69 more to go, big guy...MBC Movies is showing Gremlins 2: The New Batch, or as I like to refer to it, The Movie That Shot John Lennon...Flatron 5, Carnival 5. This is like Ali and Frazier going blow-for-blow, only better...According to FSN Northwest, the Rockets have zero blocks. They just cold dissed The Great Wall, man...You know, if I were to play Yao Ming in one-on-one, and he couldn't just stand in front of the basket, I seriously believe I'd have a shot at beating him. Any guard with 2 legs (this disqualifies Baron Davis) can blow by him like Steve Blake just did. Similarly, I think I could take Steve Blake in a fight. That nigga's mad pussy, son...Portland is up 43-39 at the half...

Stay Tuned, Nas, Soon The Real Rap Comes At...

Halftime...Are you gentle?...Super Action just played 4 more new ads, one of which, for the KIA Sorento, uses DJ Shadow's Stem/Long Stem from Endtroducing. I don't really care too much as far as Shadow's pursuit of the papes goes, but just to be a dick I'll say this: y'know why hip-hop sucks in '06? It's the money. Plus, I would have used Organ Donor...You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. It's true...Super Action shows an ad for Rock School, a reality series (how imaginative!) starring Gene Simmons. I won't lie, my interest is slightly piqued. The strange thing is that the music accompanying the commercial is a song by The Offspring. C'mon, it's Gene Simmons! Play a damn KISS song for cryin' out loud...Choi Een-Seon, Super Action's color commentator, is the new Czar of the Telestrator. Mike Fratello who?...The first K-announcer -- the guy on the left for those of you scoring at home -- calls this "a good game." Are we watching the same one?...Keith Bogans has 15 points at the half. What did I tell you? He's going to be an All-Star next year (in the D-League)...

Back to the Grill Again

Portland has opened up a 10-point lead...Carnival 6, Flatron 6...The Rockets are within 7...Carnival 7, Flatron 7...Yao Ming, sitting on the bench, looks forlorn...Steve Blake is swarmed and blatantly fouled about 20 times with no whistle from the refs, resulting in a shot clock violation. Is it really that hard to be an NBA referee and call a game correctly?...I think I'd pay money to see Joel Przybilla, Ben Wallace and Shaquille O'Neal compete against one another in a free throw shoot-out...I think Dikembe Mutombo has a good 20 or 30 years left in him...Yao Ming, sitting on the bench, looks perturbed...We have a tie game with 2:08 left in the 3rd...Am I a bad guy for hoping that a brawl erupts?...Is there a gayer nickname currently in all of sports than Skip To My Lou?...Houston 62, Portland 59 after 3...Are you gentle?...I don't ever remember seeing Nate MacMillan smile...Yao is pushed to the floor. prompting one of the K-announcers to say "The Great Wall has fallen." Good grief...Yao gets knocked down again. Stand up for yourself, dude, or pretty soon I'm going to start calling you Johnny Fontaine...Carnival 8, Flatron 8. I have a feeling both matchups are going to come down to the final play/commercial block...Yao Ming, again sitting on the bench, looks genuinely sad. How do you say "put me in coach, I'm ready to play" in Mandarin Chinese?...I don't think I've ever been less excited about a close game. The crowd seems to feel the same way...I promised myself I would never mention it again, but I couldn't help notice that, at the end of the 미녀는석류를좋아해 ad, there appears to be a pregnant chick sitting on a sofa in the background...Flatron 9, Carnival 9. Should we finish with a tie, the winner will be whichever commercial is shown first during the final block of ads...Both the Blazers and Rockets have made like 6 straight turnovers. I never would have guessed it, coming from teams of their caliber...Carnival 10, Flatron 10...The Rockets take a 1-point lead with 1:17 remaining...Keith Bogans shits the bed by missing a wide-open layup!...I think Super Action has filled their advertising quota for the game, because they keep showing the NBA promo that uses that Blackalicious Excellent song (I got a fistful of fury in my knapsack...).In that case, the KIA Carnival is our new ad nauseam ad champeen!...Some kid in the crowd is wearing a Joel Przybilla jersey and holding up a sign which reads Blazers are #1. Turn it up! Yeah, right. You'd have a better chance tossing a needle through a Cheerio in mid-air than getting this crowd excited, and if they ever turn the NBA standings around, only then would the Blazers be sitting in the front row...with 27 seconds left, Sebastian Telfair fords the Columbia river in his Conestoga wagon to put the Blazers ahead by one!...The Rockets waste a lot of time before settling for a bad look shot. Yao gets the rebound, but misses a five-footer at the buzzer. Why the hell didn't they take a timeout when they had 20-something seconds remaining?...The Blazers really deserved the win: they shut down The Great Wall, Nate MacMillan outcoached Jeff Van Gundy in every way (which would normally be a compliment, but I get the feeling Van Gundy couldn't wait to exit the court, head to the locker room, and crack open a Diet Coke), and they never gave up. In short, they showed heart like Kano...Final Score: Portland 76, Houston 75...Player of the Game: Sebastian Telfair...And on that note, I'm out like shout.