2006 NBA All-Star Game

Today I was lucky enough to catch the NBA All-Star Game. Here's a running log of how things transpired, as I saw them:

Live from Houston! The city, not the porn star, nor the R&B singer who shot out his eye while high on PCP...MBC/ESPN shows a graphic which has Kevin Garnett listed as a starter for the East All-Stars. Good grief. Also, apparently it's Rebron James. I ask, is it really that difficult to get it right?...One thing the MBC broadcast has going for it: I don't have to listen to the exceedingly annoying voice of Doug Collins. Remember when The NBA On NBC had Collins paired with Bob Costas? It was a dark time for the L then, let me tell you...Upon further review, 'Sheed has no business representing the East. Michael Redd must be spinning in his grave...Man, Jermaine O'Neal is sharply dressed. Uh, not that I actually notice stuff like that...So, because Jermaine O'Neal is hurt, Wince Carter gets to start. I hope you choke on that basketball, Vince (I don't know what that means, either)...To introduce the East starters, the Houston Symphony plays Lose Yourself. The West gets Beethoven's 5th, followed by an interpolation of some rap song unfamiliar to me. I wonder, do the symphony guys consider this "slumming it"?...Introducing, the West Foreigners! Kobe looks surprised that the fans are cheering him...I don't know which is more aggravating, the fact that the Canadian national anthem is mandatorily sung, or that MBC cut it off midway through the opening verse. If the the Korean nat'l anthem was cut off on live television, I imagine there'd be riots in the streets of Seoul...Yao Ming addresses the crowd. Wow, I never knew he spoke English so well. I mean, it sounded extremely natural, not forced or anything (I'm not being sarcastic). Naturally, ABC feels the need to caption his speech. Yao cold got dissed by ABC!...Man, those unis are ugly with a capital "really fucking ugly." All the players look like old ladies vacationing on Cape Cod. The color scheme doesn't exactly help accenuate Shaq's rotund figure. Worst unis since the year they were pastel and had cacti and shit on them (I think that was Phoenix, or maybe San Antonio)...And we're off. To a sloppy start. I know it's the All-Star Game, but still...Shaq's playing point guard. If that give-and-go, between-the-defender's-legs pass to Dwyane Wade and alley oop attempt was successful, that would have possibly topped Tracy McGrady's self-pass, off the glass dunk from a few years ago. Alas...Iverson's missing wide-open layups like they're going into style (see what I did there?)...Shaq intentionally misses his 2nd free throw attempt, grabs his own rebound, and dunks it home. Of course, it isn't counted. Apparently Diesel doesn't know what a lane violation is...Is Paul Pierce wearing aerobic warm-up socks? Yes, I do believe he is...And Dwyane Wade is wearing leotards. Dwyane, never, ever take fashion tips from Vince Carter...2nd quarter, and Dirk is running things...Now Pierce is doing his best AI impersonation. He couldn't buy a layup if they were half-off at the layup outlet (again, I have no clue what that means)...Nellie looks like The Phantom of the Paradise...Deion Sanders has an extremely hot wife, but that still doesn't excuse the fact that he's Deion Sanders...Gilbert Arenas sets up Chris Bosh for an awesome dunk. Bosh loses control of the ball, recovers, and slams it home. And one...Uh oh, looks like the West is pulling away...VC misses a dunk that ricochets to the other end of the court. Pretend that one was intentional, Vince...McGrady's looking like the early MVP...Tony Parker does his "that's really funny, Kobe" face. God, I want to punch him; and it's not even because he's French. If TP is considered a handsome dude, I'm as sexy as Vince Vaughn and Matthew McConaughey naked, holding hands covered in honey. Hold on, that didn't sound right. It should read I'm as sexy as Vince Vaughn and Matthew McConaughey naked, holding hands and covered in honey. Better...Then again, I can't convert insane layups (AND the foul) like that...OK, halftime. West 70, East 53 (ugh). I don't think I have to tell you where my allegiance lies...So I come back from the bathroom (I may have missed the Next 10 ceremony; not sure), and some blond-haired girl is singing a pop-country tune while hundreds of young people who look like they just wrapped up a GAP fashion catalogue shoot dance gleefully. Did MBC preempt the game with The Mickey Mouse Club or something? Ladies and gentlemen, this is who David Stern is targeting. Definitely not the NBA's core demographic....Next up is John Legend. That's a little more like it. I can't front, I bought Get Lifted. He's a talented pianist and singer. And the fact that there's a 97% chance that he's gay doesn't bother me a bit...3rd quarter, and LBJ is heating up...James to Wade for a spectacular alley-oop...Wow, T-Mac has 26 points. How can he play so well with that blindfold on?...Allen Iverson finally converted a layup...Dwyane Wade (I love that the MBC announcers are referring to him as "Flash") is heating up...The West has made like a dozen straight turnovers. Make that a baker's dozen (I told you that I'm crazy for those turnovers, cousin)...West 85, East 78. It's getting closer...Lebron is giving T-Mac some serious MVP comp...And there he goes biting his nails again. Does the guy dip his hands in blue cheese dressing before every game or something?...Will somebody please give Richard Hamilton a donut. Does Joe Dumars keep him and Tayshaun Prince locked up in solitary when they're not playing?...The East is now within 4...Jeepers! Elton Brand just stripped Chauncey Billups like an 8-year-old boy with a Barbie doll...Chris Bosh is heating up...OK, I'm back with 8 1/2 minutes left in the 4th. I have some business to attend to, and wanted to get in a shower before the game is over. Hopefully I'll catch the whole thing (please don't go into overtime, please don't go into overtime). I set a personal record for quickest shower: 6 minutes. On the minus-side, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet and knicked myself 8 times while shaving...Wow, the East is ahead...You probably wouldn't know it by watching the game, but Ray Allen and Gilbert Arenas were in fact selected as All-Stars...One of the MBC announcers points out Donald Faison sitting in the crowd, proving he knows at least one thing I don't, namely who Donald Faison is...Eva Longoria is wearing jeans with Tony Parker's number bedazzled on them. How cute! Yeah, those are going to be selling on eBay before summer's over...How do you say "keep an eye on the fucking ball" in Chinese?...If I have to watch that fucking Korean female boxer in the MBC/ESPN promo one more time, I'm going to fucking kill someone. Not her, though; she'd totally kick my ass...I just realized that Shaq hasn't taken a 3-point attempt yet. What gives? Shaq's annual ASG 3-point attempt is as familiar to me as a Marcus Camby injury, or Steve Francis trade demand...There's nothing at stake in the All-Star game. A proposal: the team representing the winning conference gets an extra team foul for the first 3 quarters of every game during the NBA Finals...Vince is sitting next to Chris Bosh on the East bench. Here's what I imagine he said: "dude, get the fuck out of there as soon as the opportunity presents itself. That GST used to fucking kill me! I'd buy a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips, right? And even though it says 99 cents on the bag, the fucking thing would always come to $1.14. That shit's crazy. Hey, what are you doing after the game? Wanna come to my hotel room and watch The Bachelor?"...it's now the East 117, West 107...The West is making it a close game in the final minutes...Ben Wallace air balls a free throw. That is a definite contender for Play of the Game...Kobe is clutch! We're tied with under a minute left...Dwyane Wade! Dwyane Wade! Dwyane Wade!...With seconds left, T-Mac badly misses a shot to tie, followed by a missed Vince Carter dunk at the buzzer. So the East wins on a Dwyane Wade put-back, and Vince is robbed of a highlight. There is a God, and he is truly just.

Final Score: East 122, West 120

MVP: Rebron James