Land of Nod

The nominees for the 2006 Oscars were announced not long ago, and I'm going to make some comments and give my predictions. I've seen few (if indeed I've seen any) of the nominated pictures and performances, but that has never stopped the Academy members, so why should it stop me? I decided to omit the lesser categories that nobody gives a damn about, and some of the major ones that only matter to hardcore film fans. I'll get to them when the broadcast rolls around, as I plan to write a running diary of the event when it airs. So know that, should you die before then, you'll miss possibly the most anticipated work of writing that doesn't have the words 'Harry' and 'Potter' in its title.

Without further adieu:

Best Picture: "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote," "Crash," "Good Night, and Good Luck," "Munich."

A month ago I predicted that King Kong was a shoe-in, as well as Brokeback Mountain. So I was half right. Just goes to show that hype infects us all. It's hard to call a movie that makes over 250 million dollars a failure, but Peter Jackson probably would have (nay, definitely would have) gotten a nod had Kong made a shitload (I mean a really big shitload) of cash. Remember before its release how some were predicting it might rival Titanic for box office uber-supremacy? Yeah, me neither.

I think Munich was the only other film I had correct in my predictions. I'm surprised that Capote garnered a Best Picture nod. Philip Seymour Hoffman will win the statue for his role, you can mark my words, but biopics tend to get overlooked, don't they? Was Ray nominated last year?

Prediction: Brokeback Mountain. I'll bet my gay cowboy farm on it.

Darkhorse: Munich. Because Hollywood is full of Jews. There, I said it. I can't take it back now.

Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Capote"; Terrence Howard, "Hustle & Flow"; Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain"; Joaquin Phoenix, "Walk the Line"; David Strathairn, "Good Night, and Good Luck."

I think my brain is about to explode. PSH is winning that award, make no mistake; but it's nice to see Terrence Howard (T-Ho, big ups!) get the nod. Joaquin, too, as he's probably the most inherently talented of the lot. And it's nice to see Heath Ledger (of 10 Things I Hate About You and A Knight's Tale fame) up there. It makes the whole thing surreal.

Prediction: PSH (act like u know)

Darkhorse: a toss-up between Heath and the late River Phoenix's brother, the one with the hairlip.

Actress: Judi Dench, "Mrs. Henderson Presents"; Felicity Huffman, "Transamerica"; Keira Knightley, "Pride & Prejudice"; Charlize Theron, "North Country"; Reese Witherspoon, "Walk the Line."

A sure sign of the Apocalypse? Heath Ledger and Kiera Knightly have both been nominated as best actor and best actress, respectively...Is it just me, or does Dame Judi Dench get nominated every fucking year?...Am I a bastard and possibly a misogynist for admitting that I care more about who the best supporting actor is than who's best actress?

Prediction: Reese Witherspoon. I hope she gives a shout out to her brother Clarence when she wins. Props to the 2 people who got that, by the way.

Darkhorse: Felicity Huffman

Supporting Actor: George Clooney, "Syriana"; Matt Dillon, "Crash"; Paul Giamatti, "Cinderella Man"; Jake Gyllenhaal, "Brokeback Mountain"; William Hurt, "A History of Violence."

This is pretty weak. I'm secretly hoping Cloony wins, because he's such a man-muffin. In fact, he should have played the gay cowboy, not Jake "my last name is hard to spell, especially if you're drunk" Gyllenhaal. I did a double take when I saw William Hurt's name; I thought it read 'John Hurt.' Is John Hurt still alive?

Prediction: Jake G.

Darkhorse: Jake G.

Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, "Junebug"; Catherine Keener, "Capote"; Frances McDormand, "North Country"; Rachel Weisz, "The Constant Gardener"; Michelle Williams, "Brokeback Mountain."

OK, who's fucking with me? I sort of believed for a minute there that Heath Ledger was nominated for best actor. Then I had my doubts that this is the real world and I'm not dreaming when I read that Kiera Knightly was nominated for best actress. Now I'm scared and I want to wake up. Michelle Williams, the chubby, pucker-faced chick from Dawson's Creek is nominated best supporting actress? Someone dropped acid in my Pocari Sweat.

Prediction: Aw, hell, who am I kidding? Hopefully James Van Ber Beek will get nominated next year. That would make my life.

(Bonus: can you imagine what would happen if Ledger and Williams -- who are married -- both won? I bet they'd name their child Damien just so as to not tempt fate)

Darkhorse: Rachel Weisz (was also in Constantine)

Director: Ang Lee, "Brokeback Mountain"; Bennett Miller, "Capote"; Paul Haggis, "Crash"; George Clooney, "Good Night, and Good Luck"; Steven Spielberg, "Munich."

I think Spielberg has this one, and only because Ang Lee directed Hulk, which is without a doubt the worst film I've seen in the last 2 decades. I don't care if what I've read is true and that his film about 2 gay cowboys can reduce men (hetero sexual men, even) to tears...the guy directed Hulk. Plus it's not nice to piss off Steven Spielberg. Just ask Crispin Glover.

Prediction: Spielberg.

Darkhorse: duh.

Animated Feature Film: "Howl's Moving Castle"; " Tim Burton's Corpse Bride"; "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit."

Prediction: If Wallace & Vomit, sorry, Gromit doesn't win, I swear I will become a muslim. I swear to Allah.

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award : Candice Cameron.

Sorry, just keeping you on your toes (assuming you have feet).

Robert Altman.

I love M*A*S*H like it's my second child.

The Gordon E. Sawyer award: Gary Demos.

Who is Gary Demos? Matter of fact, who is Gordon E. Sawyer?