2005 Sparklers (The Final Chapter)

Worst Company Award: ABN, our local cable and Internet provider, for being down for the better part of the week (it actually went out for 3 hours after I wrote this, but before I had published). Can you believe I had to view porn the old fashioned way: lingerie catalogues (not porn in the strictest sense, but you make the best of the hand your dealt), and the Playboy Channel, scrambled? Sad but true, friends.

The "The Book Was Better Than The Movie" Award: Rex Pickett's Sideways. And Alexander Payne's film was really good, so that's saying something.

PR Agent's Nightmare Award: Kobe Bryant. I don't know that elbowing someone in the throat and then being completely unapologetic for it is the best way to get people to start liking you again, Kob, you rapist.

Worst "Film" I've Seen This Year Award: Churchill: The Hollywood Years. I think this came out in 2004, but I caught it just today on TV. What a truly terrible piece of shit.

Biggest Surprise of 2005 Award: GZA Vs. Muggs: Grandmasters. It's not a true return to form for either men, but it trumps anything Cypress Hill has done in a looong time, and it's a lot better than GZA's last CD (and possibly Beneath The Surface -- which I have a love/hate relationship with -- too). Recommended for the track Illusory Protection alone.

That's all I got. Congratulations to all the winners. Your No Prizes are in the mail.

And to kill 2 birds with one stone, below is a list of New Year's resolutions I drunkenly wrote in my diar...uh, ledger:

- I’m going to wear slacks and button-down shirts more often, not only while at work. Befitting for a man in my present stage of life, I think. In five years, I’ll advance to Bill Cosby-style sweaters. Baby steps.
- I’m going to read The Holy Bible from front to back. While not a page-turner in the strictest sense, I hear it’s a good book.
- I’m going to buy MIA’s ‘Arular,’ which I’ve partially downloaded and whose tracks I can’t get out of my head. I fear I might have an epileptic seizure if I listen to it too much, but fuck it.
- I will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. For the second time.
- I’ll finally forgive my parents for buying me a girl Cabbage Patch Kids doll as a kindergarten grading present.
- I’m going to make a conscious effort to become the world’s Best Smelling Man.
- I’m going to try to finish at least one video game, and one biography about a Mexican artist.
- I’m going to try to stop criticizing people who mispronounce the word ‘mimicry.’
- I plan to get involved in no less than 3 shady real estate deals.
- I’m going to let the “no wire hangers” rule slide for a few TBA days this year. It’ll be a party.
- A more concentrated effort in my war on hair conditioners.

(All in all, I give this post a D-minus. Chalk that up to my Internet connection being as fucked up as it is. I feel I have let down my readership. Worst Psychedelic Kimchi Post Of Last Year Award: this one.)

PS - Barring any further connection disturbances (which is fairly likely), I'll post my review of Sympathy For Lady Vengeance either tomorrow or the next day. For now, here's a hint: