Long Shorts? Isn't That an Oxymoron?

David Stern has again taken it to a completely 'nother level:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2251724

So players can't wear shorts considered too baggy by Stern and Co. I bet it's because dude misses seeing their tight buns and strapping thighs. Because he's all Brokeback Mountain and shit.

Here's a real (imagined and fictional) argument recorded between Stern, New York Knicks cancer Stephon Marbury, and Ricky Davis:

Marbury: Look, man, all we need is the long shorts, alright?

Stern: No, you don't get the long shorts. I'm doing you a favor; you don't understand how stupid they make you look.

Marbury: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense!

Davis: Look, we can't play in short shorts. If we do, everyone will make fun of us and call us pussies.

Marbury: Hello? Exactly!!

Stern: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Suit up in nut-huggers or get fined.

Davis: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this commissioner jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't wear no tight-ass shorts, we cannot get on the court wearing that faggot shit. And granted, we work for you, we uh um oh, you own us, alright... but the magic, that is in our style, the way we dress. That fucking heart and soul that we put into basketball while wearing whatever shorts size we choose, that is ours and you don't own that! Now I need to take that magic to Philidelphia. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man! Assholes with pansy-ass shorts!