Saturday, October 01, 2005

Life of Sparkles

Discounting the Memory Lane entry, I make it a concious effort not to post anything explicitly personal on this blog. Why? Because no one cares, I'm almost sure; and because my life, while rewarding, is very monotonous. Don't believe me (this is the second in a never-ending string of rhetorical questions. You have been warned)? Here's what I did today:

10:15am -- Woke up. Mercifully, the wife let me sleep in. It's because I promised to go to church tomorrow. I broke an identical promise last week because I was exhausted like John Holmes. If I do it again, I'm going to be in the doghouse...and, later ("sooner than you think, Chuckles." -- Satan), Hell.

10:30am -- Hungry. Don't rightly know why, since at 3am the night/morning prior I scarfed down a tin of Pringles, a bowl of Top King ramen (aka crack noodles), and one of those milk shake thingies that taste absolutely fucking superb but which, for its cost, is pretty skimpy on the shake.

10:35am -- another possible motive as to why the wife let me sleep in (and let's be clear on something right now: however much I need/want to sleep in, I don't get to unless I'm allowed to. Just a little heads-up to anyone considering getting married or having a child.

Me: Honey, I've worked almost 12 hours every day this past week. I deserve a bit of a rest, don't you think?

Wife [pointing gun at me]: Deserves got nothin' to do with it.

There's no food in the house save for a bag of sugary "corn chips" and a few slices of processed cheese.

10:45am -- Tired and puffy-faced, I walk to the corner shop, the little girl in tow (she enjoys giving the proprietor purple nurples; and, what can I say, I enjoy watching). Tired of instant curry and jajang, I take the road less traveled (I now understand why) and purchase a single serving of Ottogi barbecue chicken.

11:00am -- I don't know what it is I'm eating, but it sure as hell ain't chicken -- at least no chicken I've ever tasted or seen. It's brown and has the constitution of cheap hamburger meat. Pray for my bowels.

11:25am -- AHHHHHhhhhh (you really don't want me to get any more graphic).

11:30am-12:30pm -- The little girl is on the verge of a tantrum. She can't yet understand that Sesame Street doesn't air on the weekend. But we have a half dozen Sesame Street DVDs, so, to placate her fury, I watch a few with her. You haven't really seen Big Bird until you see him on a plasma screen. I think I even saw his big yellow cock. It was big, but not as big as mine. Oops, please disregard that last sentence. What I meant to write was "it was yellow, but not as yellow as mine."

1:00pm -- my co-worker calls me and asks me to come visit the office to do some work-related work. I worked up the nerve to tell him to go fuck himself, almost working myself into a frenzy, but at the last second my courage failed to work and, summarily, fearing I might lose my job and hence be out of work, I agreed to work on a Saturday afternoon. Upon hanging up, my wife tells me not to get so worked up. She says it's not the end of the work, and that if all work were to work work work, the work would work to work. Her sage wisdom and soothing tone works.

2:00pm-4:00pm -- Work. And Pac-Man. Mostly Pac-Man.

5:00pm -- Return from Seoul and meet the wife and girl at E-Mart. Do some shopping. God, I love E-Mart on the weekend. It's so peaceful and serene, like a still lagoon pool.

6:00pm -- Arrive home from E-Mart. Unload groceries which consist of:

- 2 Toblerone white chocolate bars

- 1 bag Calbee mayonnaise&shrimp potato chips

- 1 box Oreo cookies

- 1 package Gummi Bears

- 4 single-serving boxes Ottogi curry (I've yet to learn my lesson)

- 2 six-packs "Budweiser" beer

- 2 bottles Jinro soju

- some vegetables and stuff

- some fruit and stuff

- 1 Ed Wood DVD

- 1 bag balloons

- 3 tubes Close-Up toothpaste. The smiling faces on the box made me surrender my brand loyalty of 2080, which claims it will keep my 20 teeth healthy until I'm 80 years old. I don't know why I stuck with that brand for so long. For one, I have a lot more than 20 teeth, and two, I'm never going to live to reach 80 years. I'll be lucky if I reach 80 more seconds.

- 1 mowgwai (note to self: don't get wet)

- 1 Necronomicon

6:15pm -- Finish reading The Moon and Sixpence.

7:00pm -- Clean apartment. Cut decaying corpse on veranda into easily-disposable pieces. Save shanks for tomorrow's brunch.

7:40pm -- Watch more Sesame Street with the little one. I'm beginning to realize that she's addicted to Sesame Street the same way I'm addicted to my Bedazzler. It's sad to watch that downward spiral.

9:00pm -- Read Dagon, the first story of H.P (which I'm pretty sure stands for Hewlett Packard) Lovecraft's The Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories.

9:20pm -- Save child from burning vehicle. Smoke in front of aforementioned child.

9:30pm -- Continue working on my memoirs, tentatively titled When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade...And Then Poison It And Offer It To Neighborhood Kids.

10:00pm -- Put the girl to bed. This time without the use of sedatives, oddly enough.

10:30pm-present -- Not worth noting.

Pretty uneventful day, n'est pas?

1 comment:

James from said...

pretty uneventful, but at least you dealt with the corpse. Boy I know how that goes