Constantine -- A Review

I love comic books. I haven't read one in almost 2 years (and haven't read them regularly for over 6 years), but I still check out comic book websites, etc. every now and then, to read about what's happening in comicdom. I'm a Marvel guy...never was interested in DC Comics, because they traditionally didn't have the pathos or humanity which are staples of Marvel characters. I'm sure it has been said a million times: Spider-Man's a teenage nerd, Superman's an alien who is invincible. Of the two, who is more interesting to follow? That's a rhetorical question.

DC, though, is the company that has produced the Greatest Comics Story Ever Told: Watchmen. So they deserve some props. If you've never read it, do yourself a favor and steal it from your local bookstore/comics shop.

And they (DC) have received a lot of acclaim for titles from their adult-oriented Vertigo line, such as Preacher and Hellblazer. So DC has that going for them. Which is nice.

Constantine is the film adaptation of Hellblazer. I've never read it, but that in the past hasn't stopped me from liking adaptations of comics which I've never followed. 2003's Hellboy, for example, is a film that I'm quite fond of, even though I've never read an issue of the comic. It's a tad flawed, sure, but it's fun as hell, and the FX are spectacular (Ron Pearlman is awesome in the titular role, as well).

Constantine, on the other hand, is a terribly flawed movie that is about as fun as trying on pants at a department store: it's not an excrutiatingly horrible experience, but neither is it a remarkably fun one.

The movie begins with some Mexican dude finding the Spear of Destiny, which, according to legend, pierced the side of Jesus while he was on the cross. It's wrapped in a Nazi flag.

(Because everyone knows that the Nazis, after that whole Ark fiasco, would think it wise to hide dangerous shit like that. In Mexico.)

He picks it up and begins a damnable journey towards Los Angeles. It's an admirable Ashton Kutcher impression.

Next we are introduced to John Constantine, played by the inimitable Keanu Reeves. I'm going to go against popular opinion by stating that I actually like Reeves...in the right role. He did a good job in the Matrix flicks; his performance as Johnny Utah in Point Break is, in a word, absolutely fucking awesome; and who can forget him as the French-Canadian goaltender in the Rob Lowe hockey movie, Youngblood?

Not to mention: Ted "Theodore" Logan. That alone should guarantee his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And, possibly, his induction to the Rock-and-Roll Hall of Fame.

The problem here is that Constantine is supposed to be an asshole, but Reeves's performance just doesn't jibe with the well-written (in parts) dialogue. He comes across as a likeable guy, rather than a prick. During the film I kept thinking how great it would have been had Constantine been played by someone such as Robert Carlyle (which also, I believe, would have been more faithful to the Hellblazer comic book, in which John Constantine is a Brit).

Constantine kills half-demons that walk the earth. During Career Week in the eighth grade, I considered doing the same, but chose "male stripper" instead. As an adolescent, able to see half-demons, he attempted suicide and was sent to Hell (aka the Department of Motor Vehicles) for 2 minutes. Afterwards, he began fighting against the forces of Hell, in an attempt to kiss up to God and hopefully gain entrance to Heaven (aka Wal-Mart). He's aided by supporting characters such as Midnite, Father Hennessy (great name to give a priest with a drinking problem), and Beeman. The movie doesn't go to any great lengths to explain exactly how Constantine got to know these blokes, nor what exactly his working relationship with them is.

But that's the least of its problems. The editing and pacing are horrible. And there are no nude shots of Rachel Weisz's boobies. What a gyp!

The meat and potatoes (or, in this case, the stale bread and cocktail weenie) centers around Lucifer's son's attempt to use the Spear of Destiny to claim Earth as his own, thusly subjecting multitudes of people -- the bastard -- to episodes of The Wade Robson Project (though, to be fair, in HD).

Problem is, we don't get to see Mammon (what a ghey name), Lucifer's son. Another gyp!

Tilda Swinton (aka Kate Blanchet's doppelganger) does a nice job as the archangel Gabriel, and Peter Stormare is equally great as Satan; but neither salvage the fact that the film is a bore.

The Verdict: if you're at home sick, this is passable. Otherwise, don't bother.