Lost Boys: The Tribe -- Musings

Last night

(a DJ saved my life)

I got home from work, popped the new Lost Boys flick in the VCR, heated up some Jiffy Pop, and existed. These were my spoiler-free thoughts:

- So, anyway, I'm watching Lost Boys: The Tribe Called Quest, and it's going pretty smoothly; it's not great by any means, but it's decent. Then Corey Feldman shows up and starts talking like he has throat cancer.

Guh.

- But the sister is hot: she's like an amalgamation of Mandy Moore and my high school girlfriend.

And the main character is Speed Racer's brother...I think.

- All right, now Feldman is talking in a somewhat-normal tone. Method acting and Corey Feldman are like fire and something completely unlike fire.

- I am a sucker -- no pun intended -- for that "thou shalt not" song. They could remake it in any genre. What I am not a sucker for, however, is Keifer Sutherland's stepbrother -- or whoever the hell the head vampire is.

Prediction: Keifer's foster son is really just a nice guy who wants to get laid really badly.

I can relate.

- Unrelated: is it okay for me to have a faux diamond-encrusted E cell phone accessory?

- I can't picture any scenario in which I would ever wear a leather jacket -- but if I were to, it would be the Cobra Kai Halloween number at 56:27.

- I'm not gonna lie: I like that this movie is referencing/ripping off Point Break.

I'm easy that way. Like Sunday morning and shoplifting.

- The two best lines in filmdom:

1) Who's scruffy lookin'?

2) Once you join the tribe there's no turning back.

(Chills)

- All right, this flick is straight-to-DVD, and it's obviously R-rated; so why no titties?

I. Am. Forlorn.

- "Who ordered the stake? LOL

- Even if Speed Racer's brother save's his sister, that girl is still pretty slutty, right?

Vampire = no

Easy lay = yep

- If becoming a vampire is so desirable, why do they look so fugly?

Stay attractive human beings, brothers and sisters!

Bow-legged girls drive me wild, I must add.

Them, and snaggle-toothed women.

Word to Jewel Kilcher. (Kirsten Dunst gets the gas face, though.)

--

Turns out, the main character is not, in fact, Speed Racer's brother. Damn, that's like the first time I've been wrong in five years*.

I will now hang my head in Shyheim (aka the Rugged Child).


* Phantom Menace + 4 stars = Roger Ebert