Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Best Kept Regrets

Inside the air-conditioned lobby of a dingy movie theater on a humid weekend in the latter half of June 1985.


Mom: Okay, kids! It's time to decide which movie we're going to see this afternoon.

Sister: I want to see Return to Oz, Mom!

Brother: No way. I'm going to see The Goonies.

Mom: Which one do you want to see, K? You're the youngest so I'll go to whichever movie you choose.

Me: Return to Oz! Return to Oz!

Mom: That settles it, then.

Brother: See you later, suckers.


Brother: Heeeeeyyy yoooooooooouuuuuuu guuuuyyyyss! Oh man, that was totally radical!

Me: Shut up.

Mom: What...What the fuck happened in there?

Sister: That movie went from suck to blow for nearly two whole hours!

Brother: You guys remind me of the Fratellis right about now. You'll know what I mean once you've seen the end of The Goonies, which was an incredible film by the way.

Mom: You know, if I'd had that abortion, things could have turned out differently.

Me: Easy, Mom. Easy. Don't say that until I talk you into seeing Howard the Duck a year from now.

Brother: Would anyone like a Baabyyy Ruuuth?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Man From Nowhere* (아저씨)

"How many cavities do you have?"

South Korean actor Won Bin, known for much of his career as a pretty boy/sidekick, has immortalized himself with his role in The Man From Nowhere. Finally, Oh Dae-Su has fierce competition in terms of who Korea's toughest cinematic badboy is.

What begins as a riff on Luc Besson's Leon** slowly and masterfully becomes a tale with a much wider scope without sacrificing the heart of the film's conceit: the man-on-a-rescue-mission movie; and that's where Won Bin leaves his indelible mark. He is convincing. Won Bin has hit the highest note of his career, and, boy, unexpected but appreciated.

What a great film. What a great, great film.

Lee Jeong Beom has directed a pure masterpiece, a straightforward action-thriller that will capture audiences worldwide with its fantastic storytelling build.

"I'm a pawnshop owner..."

* Terribly translated as This Man on IMDB.

** Kisses

Monday, August 16, 2010

Bully Smart!

I wasn't bullied much as a kid (unless you count being ignored as a type of bullying) but something tells me that if I had encountered a ruffian and attempted any of these 'maneuvers' I would've gotten my ass seriously kicked.

P.S. Since when is an elbow strike considered a slap?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

You Blow My Mind (Hey, Billy!)

Legendary blowhard gamer Billy Mitchell, on setting the world record for Donkey Kong, Jr. just after topping the high score in the original Donkey Kong:

"I remember a lot of celebration; hugs, kisses and a lot of hooting and hollering," he said in a release. "Once that died down, I stood there looking at Donkey Kong Jr. and thought 'there's one more thing I have to take care of'."

Oh, that Billy Mitchell!

For the Teenager in Me*

* Also known as From the Teenager in Me.

Lego Men and Patchwork Privateers

Did you know that Huperzia columnaris is a species of plant in the Lycopodiaceae family and, furthermore, that it's endemic to Ecuador?

Were you aware that 22 Kalliope, an M-type asteroid, was discovered on November 16, 1852 by English astronomer John Russell Hind?

Has anyone ever told you that the term cyclodorippoida refers to a group of crabs, ranked as a section?

Would you be interested to learn that fake vomit was first produced in the 1950s by the same company behind the now-iconic chattery teeth?

Does it make you chuckle when alerted to the fact that there's a Russian-born pianist named Constantine Finehouse doing his thing somewhere in this wide, wide world of ours?

All things considered, none of the preceding junk matters whatsoever; but now you know, and knowledge is power, correct?*

* At least that's what the various authors of assorted TOEFL textbooks would have you believe, and you can't fuck with the intellectual prowess of guys like David Cho!

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Guided by Voices

I've been pretty sick this past week, and yesterday was the climax. I stayed at home all day in bed. Sounds nice but it ain't. I think my spine is twisted like those red licorice sticks you used to buy at the movie theater, the ones that tasted better than black licorice but were worse than real candy, the kind of candy they made after the war when they didn't have to ration sugar or use candle wax as a bonding agent.

I'm feeling a little better today, but I'm still far from perfect. I'll take it, though, because the symptoms I had yesterday compared to the ones I have now are as analogous as a royal flush is to two aces, only reversed. Then multiplied by negative zero.

My Analogy Machine is still recuperating, as are my sinuses and my libido (I haven't even thought about sex for the past three days, and when BoA made her comeback on TV this afternoon, I looked at her with interest but without lust*). But my uncanny knack to make up song titles while trying to fall asleep with a cold? All systems are go.

The official track list of Eoin Forbes's new album, Fever Dream '10 has officially leaked to Psychedelic Kimchi:

- I’m Doing Experiments on Myself
- The Art of the Elephant
- ABCardiovascular EXercYZe
- I’d Rather Push a Dead Baby in a Stroller than Shop at Wherever You Bought Those Shoes
- Addicted to Gambling (Craps Table Mix)
- If You Point Your Finger at Me One More Time, I Swear
- Halloween Came Early This Year
- Those Pills were for the Dog
- Stand for Something or Die from Anything
- Castrobation
- Addicted to Gambling (Broncos Beat the Spread Mix)
- Misery en Scenester
- I Feel Pretty
- As You Get Older, You Learn to Appreciate the Taste of Blood
- Addicted to Gambling…But Not for Long (Russian Roulette Mix)
- The Anniversary of the Invention of the Radio

Cop it.

* I blame her.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

18 + 7 = ∞

The portal is opening!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Coming Attractions

[I know...I stay retired like Richard Dreyfus; but believe me when I say that

(I miss curly fries and Mott's Bloody Caesar so bad I could kill)

I will only be posting here when I get the urge to write something that I can't express in everyday life or on Facebook. Or on the walls of bathroom stalls. This is one such example.

So, how about the Miami Heat? Dude, I know. After The Decision I wanted desperately to exuberance into words. But work got in the way. (My feelings about LeBron signing with the Heat were perfectly summed up by this.)

Fortunately, I have the day off today; and as I sit in my Fortress of Balla-'tude*, looking over the recently announced big Heat games of the 2010-2011 regular season, I've started wondering which films might perfectly complement each game.

So, without further ado (Christ, I can't believe I just wrote "without further ado." My sword has grown dull), here are my picks for Miami Heat-movie-watching bliss:

Tuesday Oct. 26: @ the Boston Celtics

Wednesday Oct. 27: @ the Philadelphia 76'ers

Friday Oct. 29: vs. the Orlando Magic

Thursday Dec. 2: @ the Cleveland Cavaliers

Wednesday Dec. 15: vs. the Cleveland Cavaliers

Sunday Dec. 25: @ the Los Angeles Lakers

Monday Jan. 31: vs. the Cleveland Cavaliers

(Starring Dan Gilbert as Leonidas)

Tuesday March 29: @ the Cleveland Cavaliers


* Did I make you cringe? I hope I just made you cringe.

Monday, August 02, 2010


"This isn't a unique thought, Danny," Miles said while suppressing a belch, "but the kids we grew up with, and certainly the generation after ours...they have no concept of what consequences mean. I'm talking from the college kid who gets a tattoo on his knuckles -- or the high-school dropout who gets one on his face -- to a kid stabbing another kid in the eye over a seat at Comic Con. What compels a person like that to do something so utterly stupid without any regard for how it's going to affect his life in the future?"

"Video games, fast food, the Internet, fucking technology," Danny answered half sarcastically. "Pass me another Miller. And get one for yourself, too. I'm too depressed to break this down analytically right now, so let's get stewed."

"Your wish is my command, sport," Miles said, fishing a couple of cans from the plastic bag underneath the park bench the two occupied. He tossed one to Danny, who fumbled it a bit then wiped the can's perspiration on his arms and hands on the legs of his jeans.

They cracked their beers at the same time and for a few seconds chugged the working man's nectar in unison, a pair of synchronized drinkers at the Alcohol Olympics. Guaranteed a gold medal because Tony DuPaul couldn't compete due to his current status of being dead.

"Over the years," Danny spoke after swallowing a mouthful of beer, "I've always said I never wanted to see that motherfucker again. Shit, he pissed on my and Tracy's wedding cake. But I would have taken an asshole Tony over a dead one."

"He was always there, always a part of us, no matter what stupid shit he was up to or what Tony brand of crazy he concocted," Miles affirmed. "I'm going to miss him a lot, that stupid, beautiful cocksucker."

"How'd he ever get the dumb notion to stain his teeth blue, anyway?" asked Danny.

"Ah, who the hell knows," Miles replied with a sigh. "He was bored or trying to be unique is my guess. I'm pretty sure he didn't expect he'd go to South Central and flash his winning blue smile in a Blood neighborhood and get gunned down in broad daylight, but we can only hypothesize."

"Fucking Tony," Danny whispered.