Psychedelic Surrealism

Time Transfixed, by René Magritte (1938): the painting which best encapsulates the Psychedelic Kimchi philosophy.

The Top Hip-Hop Songs -- Cold Got Dissed Edition

Calling fellow musicians out on record is a long-standing tradition in nearly every genre of modern music, but in no other is it best exemplified than in hip-hop. The entire foundation of the culture -- from grafitti, to b-boying, to DJing, to the music -- is practically based upon upstaging one's peers. Usually, through all the bravado and the insults, it remains good-natured (if vitriolic) competition; but sometimes shit turns ugly. The separate shooting deaths of Tupac Shakur and Christopher Wallace (aka Biggie Smalls, aka Notorious B.I.G.), are the most glaring testement to this, but they are, sadly, not exclusive. And while 'Pac and Biggie's murders are still unsolved and most likely not directly related to their war on wax, I don't think you'd find many who would argue that, had their beef never escalated, they would have BOTH still been killed.

The aftermath of those tragedies still affects hip-hop music to this day. No true fan of the music wants to revisit the coastal wars -- perhaps propogated by the media, but still embraced by most artists at the time -- of the mid-nineties. And no true fan wants to hear the painful news that another of the music's great talents (those few which remain) has been taken away from us.

This of course doesn't mean that MCs should stop making dis records. Never that. All it means is that they should focus on why dis records were made in the first place: to show and prove that artist A had more skills than artists B-through-Z.

It should be about the music.

With that out of the way, let's get into my list of the greatest dis records in hip-hop. I usually don't rate these songs, but I had to make an exception in this case. The situation sort of demanded it.

First, the short-list of songs omitted: Ether by Nas (I know denz is going to hate me for this, but I just don't think the beat or the impact is worthy of the Top 10); Jack the Ripper by LL Cool J; Roxanne's Revenge by Roxanne Shante, 10% Dis by MC Lyte, and any other female MC vs. female MC song (I've always felt that female MC dis records are a novelty, like when two goalies get into it during a bench-clearing brawl in hockey); Who Shot Ya? by Notorious B.I.G. (Biggie doesn't get specific enough); Wanksta by 50 Cent (for the same reason as Who Shot Ya?); and Fuck Compton by Tim Dog (which was shamefully only made so that Tim could make a name for himself).

By the way, each song is divided into 4 categories: Genesis, Beef, Execution, and Aftermath. The first briefly explains how the song came to be. The second rates, on a scale of ground chuck to filet mignon, the animosity between the artist and the party (or parties) at which the song is directed. The third gives a description of the song, and the last explains where things stand today.

You follow?

Good. Let's get ready to rumble.

10) Linda Trip by Company Flow

Genesis: When underground MC Sole took offense to a line from Co-Flo's single, End to End Burners (Diss me on the internet like picket line crossin Teamsters), he shot back with the song Dear El-P, then went on to claim that New York City's independent vinyl Mecca, Fat Beats, at El-P's behest, wouldn't sell his records.

Beef: Ground chuck. C'mon, they're white MCs. Sole's from Maine! Throwing eggs, soaping windows, and toilet papering each other's property is probably the worst that could have happened.

Execution: El-P and Mr. Len, Co-Flo's DJ, called Sole, who was secretly recorded (hence the song's title). On the track, Sole can be heard saying -- among other things -- "I love Company Flow," "I don't wanna be against you guys," and "I wanna be down."

Aftermath: El-P is probably the most respected independent hip-hop artist working today. Sole works at Burger King for all I know.

9) Second Round K.O. by Canibus

Genesis: Up-and-coming battle rhymer Canibus was at the time making a name for himself and his ferocious delivery by guest-starring on various artists' songs, and LL Cool J recruited him for the track 4,3,2,1. But the legendary MC, himself no slouch when it came to throwing barbed disses, took offense when Canibus referenced the microphone tattoo on LL's arm (L, is that a Mic on your arm? Let me borrow that). LL went on to rewrite his final verse as a dis towards Canibus, who had previously agreed to edit his own misunderstood line from the song. Pissed off that LL went back on his word to summarily change his own verse, 'Bis shot back with Second Round K.O.

Beef: T-bone. The two MCs would go at one another for a while, though people stopped caring not long after Second Round K.O. was released.

Execution: Give the young lyrical pugilist his props: the track is scathing, targeting LL's short-lived sitcom, his family, and preemptorily stating that not even Minister Louis Farrakhan -- who at the time was mediating a lot of standing beefs in hip-hop -- could make them see eye-to-eye.

Aftermath: Canibus's debut album flopped, which was probably a godsend for Mr. Smith, because most fans agreed at the time that 'Bis was the victor. He later joined the marines, and released a handful of albums that were similarly as disappointing as his first. Meanwhile, LL continued to tarnish his legacy with poorly-received albums of his own, and had numerous roles in Hollywood movies.

Shitty Hollywood movies.

8) Girls by Eminem

Genesis: Eminem, no stranger to beef throughout his career, was in the midst of a feud with former House of Pain MC Eric "Everlast" Schrody (maybe it's the white MCs who are the real "goalies fighting each other during hockey brawls"). Em thought former HoP/current Limp Bizkit member DJ Lethal had his back in the dispute, but when Lethal appeared on MTV News stating that he thought Everlast would kick Eminem's ass, Slim Shady got heated and realized that, in popular rap music, one can never have too many foes. He therefore stretched his beef with Lethal to include Limp Bizkit singer, and genuine douchebag, Fred Durst. Well played, sir.

Beef: Ground chuck. I'm sure no one really cares these days.

Execution: Em released Girls independently, although it was later included on the debut release of his group, D12. It's in Em's delivery and detailed account of how the situation unfolded that the song is most noteworthy.

Aftermath: Eminem is taking time off until his inevitable comeback. DJ Lethal and Limp Bizkit still suck. And based on the contents of their last 2 albums, Dilated Peoples, who were briefly mentioned in the song (Pupils, Peoples, whatever your backpackin' cypherin' name is), will probably sing Boyz II Men covers to pay the rent these days.

7) To Da Break Of Dawn by LL Cool J

Genesis: Kool Moe Dee, he of the Treacherous 3 (how's that? Better ask somebody) took numerous shots at the young upstart Cool James, culminating in the track How Ya Like Me Now? LL shot back with Jack the Ripper, which basically crippled Moe Dee, although he managed to hang on for one last jab with Let's Go. The final nail in the coffin would come when LL dropped To Da Break Of Dawn, which also took aim at Ice-T and MC Hammer.

Beef: Sirloin. This ongoing battle was to hip-hop what the Bird/'Nique shootout was to hoops: a beautiful slug-fest.

Execution: Marley Marl synthesized it, LL memorized it. The Ice-T and Hammer disses are great (the line directed at Hammer, You couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight, deserves particular mention), but the opening verse, reserved for Kool Moe, is the best part, and an absolute K.O.

Aftermath: Kool Moe Dee subsists on a diet of nothing but Cool J cookies.

6) Hit'em Up by 2pac

Genesis: Once the best of friends, Tupac and Biggie Smalls would become the bitterest of rivals. It's almost Shakespearian.

Beef: Filet mignon wrapped in bacon and smothered in gravy.

Execution: Oh, man. Seriously, oh, man. Let's allow the song's intro to speak for itself:

I ain't got no motherfuckin friends
That's why I fucked yo' bitch, you fat motherfucker

He wasn't lying, either.

And then there's

Fuck Mobb Deep
Fuck Biggie
Fuck Bad Boy as a staff record label
and as a motherfuckin crew
And if you wanna be down with Bad Boy
Then fuck you too
Chino XL, fuck you too
All you motherfuckers, fuck you too

Chino XL!!?? Jesus.

Aftermath: Do I really have to tell you?

5) No Vaseline by Ice Cube

Genesis: Ice cube left NWA due to what he perceived to be financial wrongdoings on the part of their manager, Jerry Heller. Though NWA would nickname Cube "Benedict Arnold" and dis him sparsely on a few songs, everyone was waiting for Cube's response.

Beef: T-bone. It was all about money, after all.

Execution: 4 against 1? Those aren't some good odds, but Cube took out his former comrades in glorious fashion, saving the most venomous lyrics for Eazy-E and Heller. His castigation would prove true when, amidst further financial disputes, NWA disbanded shortly thereafter.

Aftermath: Cube and Dre were once rumored to be working together on an album, but that's never going to happen: Cube is busy tarnishing his career by making god-awful movies and crappy albums (he and LL should hook up), and Dre is busy being rich and powerful. Eazy-E died of an AIDS-related illness. DJ Yella produced porno flicks. MC Ren, to quote Mike Tyson, faded into Bolivian. And who knows what became of Heller.

[/American Grafitti epilogue]

4) The Bitch In Yoo by Common Sense

Genesis: After Common's poignant and thought-provoking single, I Used to Love H.E.R., Ice Cube and cohorts WC and Mack-10 (*cough* wife beater) took umbrage with what they perceived as Com's criticism of West Coast gangster rap. They shot back (figuratively) on the Westside Connection song Westside Slaughterhouse.

Beef: Sirloin. This occurred during the highly-publicized East/West feud, and none other than the Honorable Marriage Counsellor Louis Farrakhan took it upon himself to call the men together in order that they reconcile their differences.

Execution: This Pete Rock-produced track is singlehandedly the most witty and biting dis record ever recorded. But history, and the following 3 beats, prevent it from being number 1.

Aftermath: After the uber-awful Electric Circus (props to Monica Deol), Common somewhat salvaged his career with the Kanye West-produced Be. You already know what became of Cube.

3) Fuck Wit Dre Day (And Everybody's Celebratin') by Dr. Dre (feat. Snoop Doggy Dogg)

Genesis: Tim Dog and Luther Campbell (aka Luke Skywalker, aka Uncle Luke) each took shots at Dre. Why they garnered mention I still can't fathom, but Eazy-E also gets his comeuppance here.

Beef: T-bone. I'm sure a lot of listeners were scratching their heads and saying Who? when Snoop lambasted Tim Dog.

Execution: While not the best dis song by any means, it's the opening track on one of the most influential hip-hop albums ever recorded, and it's the first time many people heard Snoop Dogg. So it's certainly one of the most memorable.

Aftermath: Dre's already been covered. Snoop has perplexingly gained celebrity status despite not doing anything notable for almost a decade. As for their "adversaries," that's what http://www.weht.net/is for.

2) The Takeover by Jay-Z

Genesis: After Biggie's death, Jay was anointed King of New York. And like Frank White, everyone kept gunning for his crown.

Beef: Filet mignon. I mean, dude revealed at Summer Jam a photo of Prodigy wearing ballet tights, and almost singlehandedly destroyed Nas's career.

Execution: Jay had performed a version of the song in concert, but his biggest target went purposefully unmentioned. After giving Mobb Deep's Prodigy a thorough lashing, Jay finished his verse with "You guys don't want it with Hov'/Ask Nas, he don't want it with Hov', nooooo!" The bait was set, and Nas all too quickly snapped at it, providing Jay exactly what he needed in order to take the simmering beef to a boil. The then largely-unknown Kanye West hooked up the beat, a maelstrom of rock samples which included The Doors' Five to One and David Bowie's Fame, and the result was the best dis record anyone had heard in over 15 years.

Aftermath: Nas shot back with Ether, a response that was equally scathing, but lacking the triumphant (word to Bill and Ted) sound of Takeover. Jay's final, cryptic warning (Don't be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen/
Because you know who/did you know what/with you know who...but just keep that between me and you for now) would turn out to be that he had slept with Nas's woman (word to Tupac), and he would later claim that he had left used condoms on the estranged couple's daughter's car seat.

Nasty.

The two have since squashed their beef, apparently. Now Jay is the president of Def Jam. He signed Nas to the label late last year. So, essentially, Jay is now Nas's boss.

Owned.

1) The Bridge Is Over by Boogie Down Productions

Genesis:After MC Shan dropped The Bridge, which claimed that

(the sun revolves around the earth)

hip-hop started out in Queens, Kris and Scott La Rock responded with a history lesson titled South Bronx. But the final blow would be dealt when, instead of fighting a battle already won, KRS would direct his attention toward Shan and the Juice Crew.

Beef: T-bone. Because it was all about the music.

Execution: Possibly the illest sample in hip-hop history was given to Scott La Rock by none other than the Ultramagnetic MCs' Ced-Gee. He would not fail to utilize it effectively, creating not only the best dis record ever, but arguably the best hip-hop record ever. KRS showed a flair hitherto unheard in hip-hop, switching from ragga-influenced chat to playful taunting to downright nasty (Roxanne shante is only good for steady fuckin'), finally ending the song with an interpolation of Billy Joel's It's Still Rock & Roll To Me. I'm telling you, mention The Bridge Is Over to any hardcore hip-hop fan, and if their face doesn't instantly light up, don't ever trust a word they say.

Aftermath: Scott La Rock was hit and killed by a stray bullet. The Stop the Violence movement in hip-hop was begun in his memory. KRS continues to get crazier as the years pass. Marly Marl would form a new, improved Juice Crew. But Shan I don't think will ever escape the stigma of being KRS ONE's whipping boy. He did rap on Snow's Informer, though, so he's got that going for him.



-- MC 900 ft. Sparkles_*_

Big/Not Big in Korea

Most of this is intended as tongue-in-cheek, and I hope it doesn't appear too cantankerous. If I'm critical, Korea, it's only because I love you.

Without further adieu, here's what's big and not big in Korea:

Queer Eye For the Straight Guy...homosexuality...The Scorpions...The Smashing Pumpkins...Choco Pies...Wagon Wheels...the Korean National Soccer Team...the Korean National Soccer League...stunningly gorgeous women...pornography...Christianity...Judaism...the Talmud...the Necronomicon...Paris Baguette...French cuisine...The Lord of the Rings...Star Wars...stem cell research...reliable data...tiny cell phones...large condoms...Dan Brown...Stephen King...dried squid...licorice...Shih Tzus...Collies...Korean traditional medicine...Pepto Bismol...Wong Kar Wai...Akira Kurosawa...corn on pizza...tomato sauce on pizza...spitting in public...toilet paper in public restrooms...Lebron James...Dwyane Wade...filial piety...retirement homes...Naver...Google...abortion...adoption...English education...English Spectrum...StarCraft...Mario 64...Lotte World...Wally World...passionate spirit...logic...kimchi...guns...Cyworld...MySpace...Crayon Shin-Chan...Bugs Bunny...Hines Ward...black people...assigned seating in movie theaters...queueing...high-speed Internet service...flushing toilet paper...smoking...smoking up...Metallica...Slayer...pro gaming...competitive eating...rock, scissors, paper...tic-tac-toe...sugary pop music...salty corn chips...Rocky...Raging Bull...racing girls...racial sensitivity...Dokdo...Takeshima...chopsticks...sporks...hwighting...pighting...dancing promo girls...ugly stewardesses...Gag Concert...The Kids in the Hall...fake goods...fake breasts...yellow dust...angel dust...reading while walking...looking while walking...Pocari Sweat...deodorant...5000 years of history...52 years of USFK...Crunky...Reese peanut butter cups...consuming live octopus...vegetarianism...cosmetic surgery...aesthetically pleasing architecture...Deep Purple...Deepak Chopra...American sports teams with Korean athletes on their roster...American television shows with Korean actors in their cast...slapstick...satire.

Psychedelic Kimchi

Basketbollocks

NEW YORK, June 28, 2006 – The NBA is introducing a new Official Game Ball for play beginning in the 2006-07 season. The new ball, manufactured by Spalding, features a new design and a new material that together offer better grip, feel, and consistency than the current leather ball. This marks the first change to the ball in over 35 years and only the second in 60 seasons.

This is an even worse idea than Superman Blue. You can read the rest of the stomach-churning news here.

I'm going to get drunk, listen to The Mars Volta, and cry myself to sleep.

LONG LIVE LEATHER!

V For Vendetta

Does the film V For Vendetta, as critic David Denby wrote in The New Yorker, celebrate terrorism? Is V a terrorist?

It depends on your perspective. To the fascist government of the film he certainly is; and his activities, his "crimes", closely mirror those of latter-day terrorists. There's also the fact that he wears a mask of Guy Fawkes, an early-seventeenth century English soldier who was tried and executed for attempting to blow up the British houses of Parliament.

So what separates Fawkes -- and V, who has an identical plan -- from the terrorists (read: Islamic extremists) of today?

Freedom.

Fawkes sought religious freedom, not oppression. I am by no means claiming that his and his co-conspirators plot was just, but there is a marked difference. I'm unsure, having the regrettable character flaw of not being British, whether most people in the UK consider Fawkes a terrorist, but I suspect that's the case. Yet one must remember (remember, the 5th of November) that to the oppressed citizens of the film, Fawkes can easily be seen as more of a hero, more of a martyr, than a terrorist.

A symbol.

And just like a Che Guevara T-shirt or poster, the symbol has taken on a meaning all its own (in the case of a Che T-shirt, usually that its wearer is a twenty-something, unemployed slacker who smokes a lot of grass). So forget about whether or not Fawkes was a terrorist, and let's focus on V.

No, V is not a terrorist. He is a freedom fighter. When you live in a democracy, grassroots campaigns, signed petitions, peaceful sit-ins and the like are all fine and dandy, but how can one hope to bring about change in a society where those who criticize the despotic regime are locked up and never heard from again?

Answer: blow shit up.

Violence is the only way in which to fight against tyrannical rule. Or am I way off base here? Am I being completely obtuse?

And while, yes, the filmmakers* purposefully included many similarities and allusions to the current American presidency, this by no stretch of the imagination means their message is to blow up the white house, and I sincerely fucking hope no one walked away from the film with that idea. One piece of controversial dialogue is as follows:

...A building is a symbol, as is the act of destroying it. Symbols are given
power by people. A symbol, in and of itself is powerless, but with enough people
behind it, blowing up a building can change the world.

And yet V, instead of massacring thousands of innocents, first blows up a deserted monument, then has the gall to go on television and detail his ultimate goal, giving fair warning and ensuring that on the eve of its fruition no harm will come to those who don't deserve it.

Is he a terrorist? Absolutely not. Does the film celebrate terrorism? Don't be bloody ridiculous.

I'm inclined to believe that anyone who would label the film as such is someone who would support totalitarian rule, someone who would willfully cede his basic rights of freedom.

Seriously, who in their right mind would argue that it is wrong to rebel against tyranny? Word to Luke Skywalker.

The genius of V For Vendetta is that it prompts us to ask these questions, demands of us to question the morality of its titular character. It's not an easy film to watch; it definitely isn't your typical big-budget FX-fest; and neither does it provide easy answers. As V says to Evey when she asks what he hopes to accomplish, "There's no certainty - only opportunity." In other words, freedom only guarantees freedom; but given the alternative, that's enough.

Say what you will about The Matrix films and their pseudo philosophy, but Andy Wachowski and his sister Larry deserve a ton of credit for the wonderful script they crafted, based on Alan Moore's graphic novel of the same title. I've never read the graphic novel (and summarily my geek cred may be revoked), but the film feels like an Alan Moore story. Sucks to that worthy for refusing to have his name attached to the project.

Hugo Weaving plays V, a man whose face we never glimpse; and, hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask, it is remarkable how well his character is developed. Hiding the face of one of your film's main actors is a big no-no, which is why, if you've seen the Spider-Man films, Peter Parker spends a considerable portion of the two films face uncovered. This makes perfect sense from an expository perspective; which is all the more reason to praise the filmmakers of V... for triumphantly creating an absorbing character out of a man with the visage of a mannequin. This is in part due to the impressive dialogue he's given (probably from Moore's original writing). Call me a sucker for alliteration, but V's first meeting with Evey instantly became one of my favorite all-time cinematic moments:

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both
victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of
vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this
valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to
vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the
violently vicious and voracious violation of volition...

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain,
for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the
virtuous...

Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply
add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Evey: Are you like a crazy person?

I'm quite sure they will say so.

That absolutely kills me.

Even better than Weaving, though, is Natalie Portman. This is her film, and in my opinion the best performance of her career. Evey Hammond is the real protagonist, and her gradual journey from run-of-the-mill citizen to enemy of the state is a marvel (can I say the 'M' word here?) to behold. Her British accent is outstanding, too, by the way.

There is not one weak link as far as the film's actors are concerned. The character of Inspector Finch, in particular, is extremely well-written, and Stephen Rae deserves praise for his portrayal of a man whom we dislike at first, but for whom we begin to take a liking to as he himself begins to experience his own catharsis. Similarly intriguing is Stephen Fry as Gordon Deitrich, a man with a secret to hide. Perhaps my favorite surprise was seeing the legendary John Hurt play Chancellor Adam Sutler, the autocratic ruler. It was Hurt who played Winston Smith in the adaptation of George Orwell's classic novel, 1984, and watching him assume the role of Big Brother is jarring, albeit in a good way.

I have only two criticisms. The first involves a scene in which a large number of dominoes fall to reveal -- surprise, surprise -- a large red 'V'. This works symbolically, and interspersed with scenes of the other characters is actually somewhat chilling, but in the context of plausibility it is unrealistic and borderline laughable: an idea which would have been suitable for the movie's trailer, but which deserved to be edited out of the film.

My second criticism has to do with the plan which allows the film's final, memorable scene to occur. It's too goddamn convenient, too easy, if you ask me.

But perhaps that was intentional. In a film that doesn't hide its political analogies, it is apt that V's goal relies on complacent and misguided ignorance towards security on the government's part.

[Roger Ebert moment]

This is one of the year's best films.

4/4*_*



*It remains to be seen how much of a part, directorially, the Wachowskis had on the film. I'm not trying to take anything away from James McTeigue, but given the tone and style of the film, I'm hesitant to call it his.

Psychedelic Poetry

It's not widely known, but I am a total Philistine when it comes to poetry. Truth told, I'm more Kipling than Keates (peace, denz).

There is one poem which I am particularly fond of, however. As I was drunkenly telling Idealjetsam last night (shortly before I leapt over the table and bit him on the shoulder for disparaging the works of Dostoevsky), I find the following poem to be everything I think good poetry should be: surreal, haunting, picturesque, and, unlike the vast majority of poems written since time immemorial, completely devoid of pretension.

Lads and lasses, I give you Wallace Stevens's The Emperor of Ice-Cream:

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Now go ahead and marinate on that for a minute.

Psychedelic Kimochi

The lovely Hwang Bora. You owe her lips your loyalty.

Thom Yorke, The Eraser -- Review

I question Thom Yorke's motive(s) for making this record. Certainly he's had enough room to stretch the creative boundaries of what defines his band, radiohead, so it's not as though he's branching out and trying new things. In fact, this solo-record-that-isn't-a-solo-record sounds like it was cribbed from the Kid A/Amnesiac recording sessions. So he's not breaking any new ground. Fine. But that then begs the question "what is he trying to do?" Get all the electronic stuff out of his system in order to gear up for the next radiohead album, which will be a return to the arena rock sound of The Bends?

I wouldn't hold my breath.

Still, Thommy is my motherfucking boy, and I won't fake moves on the genres he employs. As big a fan of radiohead's sophomore and junior albums as I am, I'm equally fond of the genius that would follow with Kid A and Amnesiac. And although 2003's Hail to the Thief is, like you, not entirely what I want it to be, in 2006 I'm still in full-on fanatic mode. If Thom wants to populate an entire album with sitars, pots and pans, I'm there.

So how's the album? We'll get to that in a sec, but first I want to make a few points/comments:

1) The only thing which differentiates this from a radiohead album is a distinct lack of guitars. And, no, I'm not being cheeky. The gang's all here, for the most part: Nigel Godrich produces, Jonny Greenwood contributes very little (OK, now I am being cheeky), and Stanley Donwood does the art.

2) Obviously jewel cases are NOT rock-and-roll. Way to rage against my CD rack, Thom.

3) Nifty! My copy came with a promotional bus pass holder. Think I'm lyin'?

Now that IS rock-and-roll. Totally better than the fake library book (w/ card) that came with my copy of Amnesiac.

Totally.

The Eraser

Hey, just like that old CBS drama starring Edward Woodward! No wait, that was The Equalizer. Anyway, the piano on this is great. As is Thom's crooning. Please excuse me but I got to ask/ are you only being nice because you want something? Then he actually does a bit of meta-songwriting by singing Be careful how you respond/ because you'd not end up in this song (the last part actually sounds more like because you might end up in this song, but whatever). If I didn't know better, I'd say that this was a break-up song. As in "I'm pissed at my band mates and going solo."

That's not the case, right?

Right!?

Analyse

British spelling. Dig it. Not a particularly good song, but Yorke, perhaps realizing the fact, makes up for it at the end by contorting his voice in all manner of directions.

The Clock

A fantastic song, even though a) the drum track appears to be lifted directly from Idioteque, and b) the vocal melody resembles Morning Bell a little too closely.

The humming kicks ass, though.

(By the way, I'm right with you in wishing that my use of letters of the alphabet to illustrate points soon comes to an abrupt halt. Please bear with me; it's just a phase I'm going through.)

Black Swan

Probably the album's best song. Groovy. Seriously, I want to groove. I want to move and groove. Bonus: my wife yelled at me for listening to it while my daughter was in the room. Could have something to do with the word 'fuck' being used roughly 89,000 times in the span of 5 minutes.

Skip Divided

Hey, I'm not adverse to blips and beeps, which this album has in spades; but this song is simply not very good. Scratch that, it's fucking terrible. No effort at all appears to have been put into it. Thom doesn't even bother to sing, and ad libs near the end to disastrous, unintentionally-hilarious results. This is like watching MJ when he came back to play for the Wizards. Just an outright debacle.

Atoms For Peace

OK, that's better. This is Thom's best vocal performance of the album, even if he does sound like a sleepy kid who doesn't want to get up for school.

And It Rained All Night

What do you know, it really did rain all night last night. And the night before. And tonight.

Topical.

Replace the whining croon of the previous track with a cocksure swagger. When he sings But I can never reach you it's nothing short of beautiful.

Harrowdown Hill

Who played bass on this? Because it really steals the show. Instead of giving you my long-winded explanation of what the song's about, please read here.

The song is also notable for containing 26 seconds of guitar. And what a great 26 seconds they were!

Sarcasm aside, this really is a terrific song.

Cymbal Rush

Two vocal tracks are used here. Not a big fan. Also not a big fan of naming a song 'CYMBAL Rush' and then not delivering on the cymbals. Motherfucker pulled the same thing on the Amnesiac track Like Spinning Plates. I mean, I know what spinning plates sound like. I'm not stupid.

Conclusion 1: It's a good album, maybe even a very good album...but it's not thrilling. It lacks thrills. It is thrill deficient. I was hoping it would be the best album I've heard so far this year, but alas. That honor still goes to The Strokes's First Impressions of Earth (I will not argue this).

Conclusion 2: This would be a very worthy addition to the radiohead oeuvre were it not for the fact that we'll likely have to wait another year or two (or three, or four, or...) until the band's seventh studio album is released. Maybe it's just me, but I'm a stickler for momentum; and this album, while good, doesn't exactly have me anticipating the next radiohead CD with bated breath.

Which is weird.

Conclusion 3: 4/5 *_*

Seven Samurai

Released in 1954, Seven Samurai was well ahead of its time in terms of just about everything: technique, style, character, plot, writing...you name it. Show me a man who doesn't appreciate the film for any of these aspects, and I'll show you a man with no soul.

It is unequivocally one of the finest films ever made; and every action film which followed -- good or bad -- owes no small debt to the brilliance of Kurosawa's masterpiece. For example, traces of Toshirô Mifune's Kikuchiyo can be seen in such classic characters as Han Solo, Martin Riggs, John McClane...hell, even Marvel Comics' Wolverine. Kikuchiyo is THE prototypical loose cannon, the likeable savage.

And certainly Mifune is the film's most memorable character, but he's far from its only one. The incomparable Takashi Shimura (whom, truth be told, I've always been more fond of than Mifune) is marvellous as Kambei Shimada, the Samurai's leader and the most noble of the group; Yoshio Inaba plays Gorobei, a man so easily likeable and with such a pleasant smile that, just as with Kambei when he first sees him, our affection for him comes in an instant; Seiji Miyaguchi's Kyuzo is the stoic, a man who takes no apparent pleasure in his job but who possesses an innate sense of duty and loyalty; Minoru Chiaki is Heihachi, the band's most amiable and witty spirit; Isao Kimura plays the novice Katsushiro as a young man learning and maturing in the ways of the samurai; and Daisuke Katô's Shichiroji, a comrade who has previously fought beside Kambei, rounds out the posse.

The farmers, whom the samurai vow to protect from bandits who would steal their crops and pillage their land, have their fare share of interesting characters, too. There's Manzo, grateful for the samurai's assistance but afraid that one of them may seduce his daughter; or Rikichi, whose wife was kidnapped by the very bandits who threaten the village; or the sage Gisaku, the village's patriarch, who initially proposes the idea of hiring samurai, but who stubbornly refuses to abandon his home -- despite the samurai's advice to the contrary -- when the bandits finally strike.

I could go on. Needless to say, the film is driven by its intriguing characters. Many a lackluster film has been made watchable -- and sometimes even exceptional -- due to its strong characterization. The genius of Seven Samurai is that both its characters and its story are riveting, and this is no mean feat for two reasons: 1) balancing the characters and making sure they are all properly and equally (for the most part) developed is an accomplishment of gargantuan proportion, and 2) making sure the story doesn't get bogged down while developing said characters is perhaps an even greater achievement.

All that said, do I consider Seven Samurai to be the greatest film ever made? No. I don't even consider it the greatest film Kurosawa made*. Admittedly, I have only seen the film twice, and my esteem for it may rise in the years to come; but there are some major flaws which inhibit it from being a prime example of cinematic perfection.

First, the thing most ironic about the film is that when the action picks up in the final act, the pace actually slows down. Kurosawa would later refine his ability to film epic battles, but here a certain awkwardness is evident. The fight sequences are not terrible by any means, but the master's skill in this regard is definitely not as honed as it would be in later films such as Throne of Blood, The Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, Ran, Kagemusha, and others.

Second, the deaths of the samurai are handled with about as much depth as insects hit with a fly-swatter. This was likely intentional: I believe Kurosawa wanted to show that the four samurai deaths were no more important than those of the farmers or the bandits who were killed. But that doesn't mean I like the idea. Here are four characters whom we have a strong liking for, and who are taken out of the story with only a few words of mourning and a sword sticking out of their graves. I still can't get over the fact that the last we see of Kikuchiyo -- again, the film's best character -- is a brief shot of him lying on the ground, face-down after being shot. As I said, I realize that this was intentional, but I still hate it.

Finally, the character of Shichiroji is, in a film overpopulated with terrific characters, notably weak. He is not so much a character as he is a script device -- a way of showing that, though their numbers are diminished, the way and code of the true samurai will persevere, and that they will continue on in their thankless tasks.

One aspect of the film which some may find flawed -- yet is anything but -- is the lack of clearly-delineated villains. The bandits are given very little screen time and dialogue, their threat vague; and the paradigm of effective storytelling states that a hero (or, in this case, heroes) must have an equally-compelling nemisis/nemeses in order to be compelling. This is true; however, in the case of Seven Samurai, the bandits, while definitely the de facto villains, aren't the film's focal source of conflict, which instead lies between the samurai and the people whom they have sworn to protect. The film's final scene, which shows how the naive Katsushiro is played (in the colloquial sense) by Shino, the object of his affections, is a wry statement on human selfishness and our inability to appreciate the efforts of those who've helped us once our needs have been met.

It's an appropriate ending. It may not be the happiest or the most optimistic, but I'm willing to concede that it's the one that works.

Two more quick notes:

1) I was hoping to include one of those "Which (film name here) character are you?" surveys, but, I'll be damned, I don't believe one exists for Seven Samurai.

And my faith in mankind slips a little more each day.

2) I'm curious: on a scale of stupid to insanely idiotic, where does the Japanese tradition of women shaving their eyebrows rank?




* Unsolicited, here's my list of the best Kurosawa films:

1) Rashomon
2) Ikiru
3) Seven Samurai
4) Ran
5) Kagemusha

Fast Food Notion

Filet-O-Fish

On Monday afternoon I went into a public restroom in order to

(admire my handsome features in the mirror)

push the mail, and upon entering the stall I was surprised to see a set of keys dangling from the hanger attached to the door. And not just any old set of keys, mind you, but the keys to a BMW.

I immediately

(threw them in my pocket)

weighed my options: 1) surprise my wife and make up for forgetting her birthday, 2) do my business and leave the keys where they were, or 3) be a Good Samaritan and try to track down the keys' owner.

Obviously I picked the first option, but unfortunately a moment later there was a knock at the door.

The absent-minded driver had returned.

He apologized for disrupting my moment of zen, asked if his keys were inside, I begrudgingly said that, yes, they were, and handed them to him over the stall door.

And I ask: who hangs their car keys on the stall door of a public bathroom?

Goddam BMW owners, that's who.

Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Yesterday I caught Kurt Russell (of 3000 Miles to Graceland fame) in Soldier on OCN. Boy, what a stinker that was. Which I found surprising, seeing as how it's directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.

I can't believe the same guy who directed this piece of junk also directed possibly the best film released in the 90's not named Pulp Fiction or The Shawshank Redemption:

Boogie Nights.

(Wait for it, wait for it...)

What really confused me though was that, the whole movie, Kurt talked like Peppermint Patty's sidekick, Marcie.

6-Piece Chicken McNuggets

This will blow your mind. Press rewind if it hasn't.

Happy Meal

The 18th Letter had the day off from pre-school today, and I had the esteemed honor of looking after her. Here's a (truncated) diary of what transpired:

9:02 -- My wife has been gone only two minutes, and already the little girl is crying for her. Weird, that usually occurs after I lock her in the closet.

9:35 -- I have to do some work (really!), so I put a Dora the Explorer DVD on for the little angel. Minutes later I hear her from the other room shouting "say backpack, say backpack!" "Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!" and "death to the wack MCs!!!"

OK, that last one was from me.

10:16 -- The little girl is at me, tugging my shirt and whining.

"What's the matter? Can't you see that Daddy's busy? Now go watch Dora the Explorer," I say.

"More like Bora the Explorer," she retorts, then pokes me in the eye, steals my wallet and runs out of the room, cackling maniacally.

10:25 -- I give in and agree to read the little darling a book.

"'This is Elmo's favorite toy, David.' What's your favorite toy?" I ask.

"Mommy's boobies," she exclaims.

What a coincidence, mine too.

10:27 -- Further reading includes Green Eggs and Ham (homosexual propaganda) and One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish, which, if it's ever turned into a Hollywood movie -- and let's face it, Hollywood would turn an empty can of Pringles into a movie if it could* -- should totally be directed by David Lynch and star Kyle MacLachlan's chin.

16 oz. Frosty

I know it's vexingly hot and humid these days, but that still doesn't make the idea of taking a cold shower an enticing one.

While I was alone at home this afternoon, our gas boiler decided to act up just as -- wouldn't you know it -- I was about to shower.

You know how you can, after diving into frigid water, eventually become acclimated to the temperature? Well, the same thing doesn't work in the shower. Weird; you'd think it would.

Oddly enough, I found that this unique brand of torture makes me speak like an old Irish man ("Oh Lard, 'tis cold!"), and that sometimes it's OK to only wash one side.




* Actually, an empty can of Pringles has been used as the concept for a Korean TV show. My question though is, who wants to spend 30 minutes watching someone play keepy uppie with a small can of Pringles when their time could be better spent watching two greasy-looking youths battle head-to-head for Star Craft supremacy?

Thought so.