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That's right! You know what I'm talking about!


Probably.



Really, you do.



I need you to remind me what this post is supposed to be about, before I lose focus and rape a paraplegic ape with an old ZZ Top cassette tape.*




Those two monuments of pop culture references, IMDB and Wikipedia, never cease to provide their readers with sparkling tidbits of useless information, and I -for many- applaud the seemingly endless array of factoids available to any diligent individual. They work in flawless concomitance, this dynamic duo; and much like Batman & Robin, Luke & Bo Duke, the Bushwackers, Pimp & Ho, etc., this explosive combination knows how to get the shit done. The only question is, what you want, (sucka)? I want movie info, that's what.

Recently, I watched The Crow: City of Angels which, for those uncertain, was the rushed sequel to a (relatively) successful film adaptation of James O'Barr's graphic novel, the Crow, and given that I hadn't seen the sequel in more than a decade, I feel the need to address this slice of happenstance. Before I go any further, I'd first like to state, for the record, that I was a fan of the original film directed by Alex Proyas. Say what you may about heroes that dress in black and run around a shadowy, rainy cityscape to avenge deaths in brutal fashion, but Proyas did it with charming style, and the success of the film allowed the director to move on to other projects, such as Dark City. I will refrain from gratuitous exposition on the whole Brandon Lee affair, as this post is supposed to be about the sequel, and his situation has been chronicled to death, pun intended.**

Not a Review

As demonstrated in previous posts, I couldn't write an effective, elaborate review if Sparkles were to hold a .38 Special to my head, so bear with me here. The movie stars European hunk Vincent Perez as Ashe Corven, the dollied avenger of wrongs done by a quartet (soon clumsily revealed to be a quintet) of irredeemable rapscallions, led by the sadistic drug lord Judah Earl, played by actor Richard Brooks.

--Trivial Pursuit Answer #1: Richard Brooks is best known for his recurring role as token black character on the long-running television series Law & Order. Similarly, Perez has found limited success on the French equivalent, Paris Enquêtes Criminelles.--

These two characters should, arguably, make or break a film of this genre, and in that sense, the film disappointed me. I don't place the fault on Perez particularly, as following the clamor surrounding Brandon Lee would have been difficult for anyone, let alone some random Swiss guy. Having said that, Perez wasn't an atrocity, and he displayed an apt amount of ferocity in the role, coupled with a bit of quiet, somber recollections of the life that was stolen from his son (as well as his own) by the aforementioned gang. You know what? You score a few points in my book, Perez. You're okay.

On the other hand, Brooks as the vile Judah just didn't cut it. I place half the blame on him, and half on the script and/or editing. It's the case of a bad guy who is supposed to be really, really evil just because we're told he is such a person. Basically, he's a cardboard stand-in for Top Dollar, the kingpin from the first film, replete with mystic seer to advise him on how to deal with the Crow.

Which brings me to another point, even though I should continue to focus upon the characters (formatting is really important here at Psychedelic Kimchi). I've read that the original script, penned by the now famous David S. Goyer, was substantially different from both the first film and the theatrical release of its sequel, but that it was chopped up by Miramax for the purpose of making the film unremarkably similar to the original movie. I have my doubts that the film would have been much better (let alone good) had Goyer and director Tim Pope (best known for directing music videos) been allowed to make the film as they intended, but anyway.

Corven and his son are killed in the beginning of the film, and the group of killers should be somewhat important, you know? I mean, since Ashe is going to spend the majority of screen time hunting them to extract vengeance, you'd think that we'd be privy to some minute level of characterization, so as to better feel that justice has been served, and to impact us as viewers. In this regard, the film was partially successful.

First, we've got Spider Monkey. From what may be gleamed by this cinematic masterpiece, Spider Monkey likes to laugh, do drugs, and throw flowers at dead people. He spent about three minutes onscreen, and that's about all I was able to gather before he died in an explosion. --TPA #2: The actor also played a victim in Anaconda. Nice resume, player!-- Scratch one bad dude, and keep riding that angst, Ashe. (No picture for you, Monkey!)


Second, comes Nemo, played by Thomas Jane aka Frank Castle from the Punisher, and the dad from the Mist. As a stepping stone to bigger things, I guess Jane had to pay his dues somehow, and for ten minutes, we get to watch him hang out at a porno theater, masturbate, carry a video camera, and have his eyes gouged out by Corven. I can dig the porno theater setting, but that can't save Jane's appearance from being forgettable, the exception being that ridiculous hairstyle he was sporting.

Things aren't looking so good, hair notwithstanding, but now we've got the big dogs and, sarcasm aside, the situation does improve, Mighty Morphin Rock 'n' Roll style.

Hey, Kali, you're up, and you're pretty good at being bad. As stated previously, I'm a fan of making the villains as memorable as the good guys, and Kali fit the bill. She's the one that killed Corven's son, she's the one that carved a tattoo artist's eyes with his own needle, she's the only character to put up any reasonable fight against the Crow's emissary, and she is actually given ample screen time as a character. Kali's physical appearance was also rather intense, due neither to the writing, nor the cinematography, but to the efforts of the actress that portrayed her, a woman named Thuy Trang. --TPA #3: Trang played the Yellow Ranger on the popular kids' television show, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Wild.-- In consideration of her acting history, I grant the bloodthirsty Kali bonus points by proxy.***


Lastly, we have Curve, played by charismatic punk rocker Iggy Pop. As one may suppose, Pop goes over the fucking top in his portrayal of the drug abusing, flamboyant, and trigger-happy motorcyclist that personally shot Corven to death (at the behest of Judah). Unlike Nemo and Spider Monkey, who are basically a coroner's wet dream, Curve is an actual character, and unlike Judah, who is such a paper tiger, Pop's Curve is maniacal, yet ruled by fear. When lit up, Curve is all balls, and when he's off the junk, he's worried about the impending punishment.--TPA #5: Iggy Pop has done a lot of drugs.-- At times, Curve serves to remind us of the characters from O'Barr's original work, and that's not a bad thing. Iggy's character is a punk, doing what punks do best, but he's also entirely human, drugs and all. Unlike Kali, who is intent upon killing Ashe (again), Curve just wants to get the fuck out of LA, avoid death if possible, and do some more coke.

--TPA #6: Iggy was initially sought to play Funboy in the original film, but was unable to do so, due to scheduling conflicts. Kind of weird, as I fail to see how Pop was so busy in any way, shape, or form.--

Basically, where I'm going with this useless diatribe is that despite the sequel curse, this film could have been decent had it relied more upon the strength of its characters. Viewers are, basically, left with two worthwhile villains when there should have been four (omitting the lackluster Judah Earl), and an antihero that doesn't have enough to properly empathize with. There is also a weak subplot that involves a character from the first film, named Sarah, that has a connection to the Crow itself as well as having a vaguely romantic attachment to the resurrected Ashe. That situation in-of-itself wouldn't have been such a useless thing, had the film devoted more time to fleshing out its characters and the struggles contained therein.

--TPA #7: There are also some 'insert moments of kindness here' moments revolving around a young druggie named Grace, played by actress Beverly Mitchell, who looked oddly familiar, and IMDB informed me that she played a younger sister on TV's 7th Heaven series. I suppose that's a step upward.--

As for the cinematography, it's surprisingly good. Utilizing a rust and yellow color scheme (supplemented by faded blue for flashback sequences), the film presents a visually appealing perspective of a decayed, near-future Los Angeles besieged by faux anarchy. Tim Pope's experience with music videos serves the film's action scenes well, barring the ridiculous finale with Judah and Ashe, and to describe Judah's absurd demise would be to forever soil the reputation of our beloved blog. Trust me on that one.

Dialogue is serviceable, but there are a few instances of idiocy too egregious to be forgiven, such as:

Kali: Do you know how to fight?
Ashe: Do you know how to die?

To be honest, I laughed aloud at that point, but those weren't tears of joy streaming down these precious cheeks of mine.


After more than a decade, I still dislike this movie, but there is some indescribable quality to the film that demanded my posting about it. Train wreck mentality, and all that.

--TPA #8: Apparently, there have been two more sequels to the Crow, one of which starred Edward Furlong. Best lay off the cocaine, son. --


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(Fuck you) Iron Man


P.S. Would you be my newfound God, Wikipedia?

* Ho, ho, wait, stop: I've already accomplished that very feat, albeit it was actually a snapped and splintered LP of Sweet's Desolation Boulevard that penetrated the aptly nicknamed 'sweet spot.' I've taken to calling my ape Mercil, and it's such a lil' bitch.

** Which is not to say that I'm apathetic toward the affair. Contrary to popular belief, I don't find the death of people, celebrity or otherwise, to be a form of entertainment, but I also think that there are people qualified to speak about the situation, and I am not one of them.

*** TPA #4: While searching for related information about the movie, I learned that Trang died in a car accident circa 2001. That's neither entertaining nor amusing, but don't flog the messenger.