Empire of the Ants

For the moment, I'd like to wish a happy birthday upon one Tad Miyamoto. Mr. Miyamoto, a man of many passports, is an aficionado of the Busan (booty) lifestyle with a massive ax to grind against parents that never loved him enough to satisfy his urge for バイエルン brand sausages (made from real beefuh and porkuh!). He only wanted them because of Sylvester Stallone's endorsement, and that may be a silly reason to want anything, but the pain remains all the same.

That birthday card is in the mail, Tad, so use that cash to splurge on a bag of sausages, Ajax*, and let go of the rage. Also, don't forget to have a beer alongside those sausages, and yes, you know exactly what kind of beer to which I refer, the only beer endorsed by the living God of Japan, the Lord of the Rising Sun, the progenitor to the royal family in its entirety, the creative force behind Toho's greatest films, and the man that cannot walk down the street (that's any street in Japan) without being mobbed by hordes of slinky women and even slinkier men: Harrison F. Ford.**



In a similar vein, it looks as if Egon's birthday is coming up, as is Masta Ace Day (as if you hadn't marked your calendars), and I was looking for something cool to throw out as a gift, but it's been tough. I mean, what do you get the man that already has a Nintendo Wii? What can you possibly provide a man that ditched you to go see Iron Man*** with someone sexier? It's problematic to say the very least, and while I have been able to come up with this gem, such a gift demands to be blown up and laminated by a professional, and I haven't the slightest idea as to where to satisfy those requirements.

I saw a romantic comedy DVD three-pack at the local Emart, and that seems like a proper substitute.

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Winston Zeddemore

* Have you ever shoved a baseball bat up some marauding street thug's ass? Tad has. Testify.

** The extra F stands for fuckin' yo' dead Airedale terrier without a prophylactic.

*** But you already knew that an Iron Man review was in the works.