Eye Jammie

"Welcome to my world."

That's what I said this morning to [name withheld upon request] when I woke up with my left lower eyelid swollen the size of a golf ball. Then I made an obscure Weekend at Bernie's reference which flew right over [name withheld upon request]'s head. Nobody's perfect.

Until then, it had been a fantastic weekend -- one much deserved, believe me. On Saturday night I was the Jon Bender fist pump at the end of The Breakfast Club personified, and Special K even bought a DS Lite to celebrate the occasion (still hasn't peeped The Departed yet, though, the fucker). After a long, arduous year of turmoil, I could breathe easy. I was at the end of one long ass chapter in The Life and Times of Captain Dumbass, and, while I tend to for one reason or another believe that the world revolves around me solely, in this case it felt warranted, like that time you didn't blame me for peeing in the shower.

The feel good story of the summer continued into Sunday -- the sweetest hangover I didn't want to get over -- with lunch at Bennigan's, a nap the likes of which I'm positive will never be topped, and [sexual act withheld upon request]. I was invigorated. I was reborn.

So it came as no great surprise, Constant Retread, when I discovered at 4:51 this morning by your mom's watch that I looked like the Elephant Man, because, let's face it, that harsh mistress Karma plays a mean pinball, and sooner or later my Psychedelic Hubris was bound to flash TILT*.

Welcome to my world. If you expect the worst, it will never come as a surprise.

How exactly I achieved balloon eye state, I'm unsure, though I have a few theories. Let me get all CSI on your asses:

1) Probably the most obvious explanation is that a mosquito bit me. This isn't an isolated occurence. As documented -- check the archives, Bruce -- on this site, I have an hellacious allergy to mosquito bites (and manual labor). The only problem with this theory is that my eye became itchy as I was watching Nickelodeon shortly before going to bed. I would have noticed a mosquito biting me under the eye while I was watching TV, I think. My brain age, after all, is 20.

(The insect bite on my left jaw and lower right shoulder, however, lead me to belive this is the likeliest cause.)

2) Nickelodeon. Boy Meets World, specifically.

3) An allergic reaction to something I ate. Unless I've reached some sort of plataeu where the 3000th box of Kraft Dinner or can of Spam I consume suddenly becomes a tipping point for my metabolism, I doubt it. And, to paraphrase Tony Montana, how'm I gonna get a swollen eye like this eating pussy, meng?

4) Chagas disease. I don't even have a joke here; I'm too much of a hypochondriac.

5) An ingrown eyelash. For the better part of a year my testicles have found a new home inside my stomach, so this theory isn't entirely unreasonable.

6) Satan's retribution for tricking him into drinking toilet water.

...I could go on. Instead, I'm going to take the pills the doctor prescribed...I mean "the Jack Daniel's my mother gave me**," smoke my weight in cigarettes, and fall asleep hoping that, tomorrow, I won't still look like Mad Eye Moody.

But even if I do, I'm still pretty.


*Karma, I ain't mad atcha; you coulda made my penis fall off, after all. I'll let you win at Tetris next time we play.

** Good lookin', Mom. (But where are Special K's CheezUms?)