The Fountain Of Couth

The commencement of the PK Mistress of Mayhem era, inspired and led by the glorious Kermopolis, is a fitting catalyst for today's topic:

THE FEMINIST MALE AND INTERNET BEAUTY(IES)(TM)

Well, I'm probably the only PK staff writer who considers himself a feminist(oh, how this has changed since I first drafted, and abandoned this post...), but let's get to the point:

During my Adolescent Psych Course this week (which is taught by Rhymes-with-Mary-Sari Locker, basically the Agony[in terms of the little death, anyway] Aunt for Maxim magazine--which is rather fitting, as you will see*) I was surfing the net to keep my brain from rusting over as she continued her quest to figure out how to work the wireless keyboard that she uses (it might as well be a cinderblock with keys) to file through the endless PowerPoint presentation which comprises the entirety of our course.** I was cruising Korean sites: Daum, Yahoo Korea, Naver, etc., when I came across a photo of a very attractive young athlete named Allison Stokke. Without a doubt, my first reaction was, "Wow. She's purty." Which was pretty much all I learned from the Korean website comments*** So I headed off to Wikipedia (which article no longer exists...) and the English news sites and that's when I acquired three bits of information that changed everything:

1. She's 18 years old and a high school student.
   
2. Her recent surge in popularity--reaching all the way over to the ROK--is the result of her photo being posted without her consent on the website With Leather (Speaking of adolescent psych--interesting title.) under the heading, POLE VAULTING IS SEXY, BARELY LEGAL by the blog's owner Matt Ufford. A knob who is actually clueless enough to snidely insult a 17 year-old [age when the video he references was filmed] for innocent sincerity. Well, that's if you consider a statement that her lack of attention to weak sarcasm is enough to repel a Matt-attack. WHAT a jackass. I rather predict a spurt of sincerity-training clinics in which women help each other actively simulate discomprehension of sarcasm in order to deter the advances of the fantasy football phlatulanx....
   
3. She doesn't want the photo there, nor does she want the attention. (Surprise, surprise.)
   

Now, as far as I'm concerned, number 3 trumps all arguments. That opportunist gobshyte Matt Ufford can kiss our collective kimchi arse and he better prepare himself to have his "Hey, guyz, she's 18, ya know? All legal--nudge-nudge, wink-wink." slobberhetoric shoved right down his creepy little esophagus while we reach in there for his small intestine. And yes, we will be strangling him with it, thank you.

Bottom line: She's a young athlete who does want to be taken seriously as such and who does not want the kind of attention with which Matt-the-scuzzbag-Ufford is hankering to varnish her career.

But, ahhhh....the savvy reader then ponders: Is this not hypocritical? "Whither, Psychedlic Kimochi?" And the reader would be wise and welcomed to ask. Because if there is one thing for sure, whether it be right or whether it be Gordian Knottedly twatted, the High Evolutionary has an answer for every query...:

Yes folks, the brothers here at PK have been known to post a photo or two of a lovely lass, a mistress of mayhem(lower-case) or even a rapturously-smitten-with-your-current-journalist Korean songstress on occasion. However, as I see it, there are three major distinctions separating the Kimochi wheat from the jackass chaff:

1. We keep it above the belt. All the women whose photos we have posted are well 18+. No real borderline cases either.****
2. Every photo we post (this week's sultry shot of Megan Fox, z.B.) is of a woman who is in the business of looking good and looking good in that business. We aren't prowling high school track & field tourneys to dredge up snaps with which to titillate the Maxim's Minors masturbatory readership. We admire actors, singers and models whose looks are the medium through, and the means by, which they mystify us. Ms. Stokke wants to be known for her pole-vaulting; Miss Fox chose her pseudonym for a reason. (Actually, I have no evidence that her surname is pseudo, but that just means the universe knows what it's on about.)
   
3. Our admiration lingers well on the light side of the force side of the yuk-yuk, satirical, self-effacing, isn't-it-ironic-that-we'll-never-get-within-peeping-into-an-exclusive-nightclub-entryway-distance-of-these-ladies, "shucky-darn and slop the chickens she's purty" line.

Basically, we're boys grown big who love to wax flummox at beautiful women.

Whereas Matt Ufford is scuzz-baggery bipedalized.*****

Now, I will leave it to PK's readers and our new resident muse (and master) to comment on these observations; to run my rant through the gauntlet of objective harmfulness and harmful objectification to vindicate me if I emerge free of the slimy stigmata branding that leathery scudge, or re-educate me if I am measured and weighed and found wanting of gallantry (Or harmless buffoonery. Tomaytoe/Tomahtoh).

But in my defense, I will excite you now with the revelation that I not only described this current event conundrum, the Psychedelic Kimochi custom and my intent to place yet another installment of that illustrious tradition in this very post in which I berate that douchebag Matt Ufford for his posting of Ms. Stokke's photo, and for his attaching to it so cretinous, so unskilled and so illiterate a caption that he may ever so soonly be recruited as one of Mitt Romney's speech writers (in the next 18 months, soonly)....but I also regaled several of my illustrious female feminist colleagues at the tour d'ivoire we all attend with a viewing of, and introduction to, this wondrous (yet humble) weblog and several distinct examples of the Kimochi tradition.******

And I am pleased, if not surprised, to report that the Aweinspiringly Intelligent Feminists actually enjoyed our site and shared the following comments on our Kimochi tradition:

AIF #1: "It's just kind of dumb."

AIF #2: "Well, you guys are idiots, but it's a lot different than the Stokke thing. You're all just dumb and treading water in a pond of adolescent foreclosure. That other guy went under and needs mouth to mouth and CPR. Which is too bad for him as no one is likely to weigh his life over their fear of his ochre-clouded lech breath." (She's taking the Locker class too.)

AIF #3: "It's fine. It's harmless. But don't talk to me again until I have the URL firmly blocked from my memory."

So, you can see, we clearly have the enthusiastic backing of our feminist sisters in the intelligentsia. Try to accomplish that, Matt. You pratt. (Too smug and pat...? Rats.)

In conclusion, I would like to assault our readers with two final observations:

In a sad overreaction to this clusterfest, the Wikipedia page for Allison Stokke has been removed. When I started this article (I am well-regarded as the promptest, as well as the most prolific PK penman) the page was still extant, and it had almost no information on it about the scandal. Now, it's goner than Verbal Kint. So, we have a young woman who may represent the USA in the Beijing Olympics but who cannot afford to have a Wikipedia page devoted to her for fear of getting caught in the wake of the lake of drool oozed into the tubes of the Internet. The sluice keeper on that flood of pathetica? A guy so uberly-uncouth and yet still somehow so enamored of his weak grasp of the written word that he follows the letter of the law, and not the spirit. Fully cognizant that Allison and her parents and all the enlightened people of the Earth want that photo taken down and him to offer an apology in the form of a parachuteless base jump off something really fucking high, the "Pole Vaulting is Sexy" post and its photo remain. What an utter jackass. A man exemplifying such jackassery as should only be rewarded with 10 rounds facing Uwe Boll.******* In fact, such jackassery could only be outdone by pursuing your dedicated journalist's clearly personal opinion which could never be seen as approximating a fact nor should ever be misconstrued as an attempt to sully the good name of Mr. Ufford. Just something your dedicated journalist would like to say to his face, like David to Goliath or Frasier Crane to Derek "At least I'm not a lecherous, ill-lettered git" Mann. That's all.

Well, I am sorry it's come to this Allison, and I and all the lads and lass at Psychedelic Kimchi wish you smashing success at Berkeley and in your quest for the Olympic gold. Knock 'em dead.

Oh, yeah. Second observation:

Ms. Stokke, you are going to get the same attention and offers as your Anna Kournikovas and your Nikki Gudexes and your Lokelani McMichaels and your Amanda Beards, especially after all this year's brouhaha. And if you ever decide to trod that path and do the amorous athlete modeling thing, PK will welcome your photos with open arms: because that would be your decision, your career, your choice.

But we rather hope not. We prefer you just be a pole-vaulter who flies over this cesspool of tastelessness on your rise to Olympic glory. We also encourage you to be a pole-vaulter who just kicks ass. Starting with a particular blogger we all know.

And if you do decide to flay that fucker: PK's got your back, sistah. Instant enlightened lynch mob. Just add water.



And that's what I needed to say in New York City, five years, 10 months after the Twin Towers burned.

*Now you know the real rewards of an Ivy League graduate degree...

**Which isn't bad, but you would think for $975 a credit we could get somebody in here to show the woman how to press the little arrow-thingys right. She also still seems upset about not being a member of the cast of "The Real World" 1992. Whatev.

*** When will the ridiculous "S Line" cease to be the standard of womanly beauty?

• 미모의 얼짱 장대높이뛰기 선수 앨리슨 스토키
• 미모의 장대높이뛰기 선수 앨리슨 스토키 (Allison Stokke)너무 이쁜그녀~ 앨리슨~육상계의 S라인~ 미모의 얼짱 장대높이뛰기 선수 앨리슨 스토키

****Well, there were those letters from the ROK Ministry of Sleaze Prevention concerning the photos taken during the Nancy Lang interview. But those pictures were blurry and the interviewee only looked under 18 relative to her interviewer. Who is still in his twenties, but does give off a solid impression of gleeful lechery.

******Libel, right? Slander's the other one...

******All three of whom have declared run-on sentences their primary pet peeve...

******* "No man enter, no dick leave!"