Tight Like Gnat Booty

It's not often that I agree with Stern & Co., but it appears that the madness will soon end, as next season the L will ban tights, leotards, and tutus.

Here are some choice excerpts from the article:

Although NBA officials are not publicly commenting on the issue, sources say that the league simply does not like the look of players wearing visible hose.

Players who wish to wear tights are required to send the league a written request from a team doctor detailing a "medical need" for the leggings. That's because the league, according to sources, believes that some players are merely wearing them because they like the look.

Vince Carter not included, that is ridiculous.

Yet there are numerous players who insist that wearing full-length spandex under their uniform shorts keeps limbs warmer and looser than anything seen previously in the NBA. Dallas Mavericks swingman Jerry Stackhouse is widely seen as the pioneer of this practice...

Stackhouse bristles at the notion that he's merely trying to be fashionable..."They just hold everything together.”

I ask, would anyone want to be part of a trend started by Jerry Stackhouse?

The sight of tights on an NBA player has inevitably been mocked by some -- Denver's Marcus Camby chastised peers for wearing "pantyhose" -- but became more commonplace this season after Bryant unveiled his leggings in November. James wore them briefly as well in January after injuring his knee, but the Cleveland star hasn't been seen in spandex for more than 25 games ... in part because he grew weary of answering so many questions about them. Bryant has since decided to play tights-free in the Los Angeles Lakers' past five games.

Finally, some reason (and/or coercion).

[Andrew] Bogut recently told the Associated Press: "I don't like how it looks, but I don't play basketball for looks."

Few do. That's why you rarely see dunks and fancy passing. Wait, Bogut plays in the WNBA, right?

[Joe] Smith told the AP: "It's something to keep you warm. It keeps my knee from swelling up, keeps some tightness around it so it won't blow up on me when I'm out there. It's meant a lot to me. It's made me a new woman."

OK, I made that last part up.

More than five percent of the league's players have worn tights at some stage during the season, including five of its top 10 leading scorers.

This is obviously a covert plan to overthrow the government.

***

Part of me hopes this doesn't go through and that the players are allowed to wear whatever the fuck they want. But the other part of me, the part which doesn't like watching my favorite players run up and down the court dressed like mincing gay-boys, is eagerly anticipating the tights kibosh.

Regardless the outcome, what this recent turn of events has made me realize is that I can make a difference, that I do have a voice.

I'm awesome.