Some facts about Your Friendly Neighborhood Sparkles, for anyone interested in writing my biography:
1) I am Ishmael.
2) I can't tell the difference between Freddie and Eddie Shreddie.
3) My favorite Harper Lee novel is To Kill A Mockingbird.
4) I once admitted during a job interview, when asked what my biggest fault is, that I suck at peeling oranges. And tangerines.
5) I once had a pet mouse named "The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan."
6) I'm deathly afraid of violet wallpaper.
7) I can catch coins off my elbow better than Chachi Arcola.
8) I think Dead Presidents should be in the Internet Movie Database's Top 250 Films.
9) The irony never escapes me.
10) I fear the commitment of owning fish, yet I have a wife and a child.
11) If I were a sports star, my jersey number would be 5.
12) I make a killer grilled-cheese-with-bacon sandwich.
13) On average, I wear a pair of jeans three times before washing them. Two times for T-shirts.
14) My favorite video game of all time is a tie between Mario 64 and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
15) When I woke up tonight I said Iiiiii'm gonna make somebody love me. Gonna make somebody love me. And now I know, now I know, now I know, I know that it's youuuuu.
16) I believe Emilio Estevez will win an Oscar in my lifetime (though possibly not in his).
17) I'm saving my last box of Kraft Dinner for Christmas Day.
18) I fuck like a jackhammer.
19) I ghost-wrote Charlotte's Web.
20) I can play Scrabble while blindfolded.
21) I once guest edited Reader's Digest under the pseudonym "Commodore Trout."
22) I own an extensive collection of Crayola crayons.
23) Once, while drunk, I got a life-size tattoo of Hervé Villechaize. It's been 7 years and no one has gotten the joke.
24) I played Munchkin # 2 in my pre-school's performance of The Wizard of Oz.
25) I once glued all of my toes together with Krazy Glue.
26) Contrary to popular belief, I am not 23 years old (though I find it flattering to be considered as such). I'm actually 47.
27) I smell burnt toast.
28) I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy.
29) Number of times I've been arrested for arson: 4.
30) I can smell a lie like a fart in a car.
31) I once wrote 2004 - won championship in my fantasy basketball league on a resume. I'm still waiting for Isiah Thomas to call me back. It's only a matter of days.
32) I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
33) I wouldn't fuck Sandra Bernhardt with Bea Arthur's dick.
34) I nominated my DJ for president.
35) I'm allergic to bee-stings.
36) When I receive only 2 packets of ketchup at Burger King, I demand to speak with the manager.
37) I don't think there's a big difference between the smell of pine trees and the smell of cat piss.
38) I've never given a haircut to someone who didn't deserve it.
39) I sympathize with Cain.
40) I'm perhaps the only one who finds irony in the words Vin and Baker.
41) I see dead people.
42) I make molehills out of mountains.
43) I make this look good.
44) I start to think, and then I sink into the paper...like I was ink.
45) I left my wallet in El Segundo.
46) I often wonder if Jarobi is, or has ever been, employed.
47) The Count on Sesame Street used to scare the shit out of me. In fact, he still does. Maybe that's why I dislike math so much.
48) My favorite word to speak aloud is "tourniquet," followed closely by "prescription," "estimable," and "interrogative."
49) It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under. Huh-ah-ha-huh-huh-huh.
50) I Robot.
51) I used to be a Conquistador.
52) I am a compulsive nose-picker.
53) I've never made the pilgrimage to St. Petersburg.
54) I've beaten Billy Mitchell at Pac-Man. Twice.
55) I know all the words to Louie, Louie.
56) I can speak French, German, Esperanto, Armaic, and Moses Malone.
57) Myyyyy aunt is very sick.
58) My favorite brand of wine is Blue Nun.
59) Number of times I've been arrested for impersonating a police officer: 8.
60) I'm a member of the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
61) I think Chuck D should host the Oscars.
62) I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
63) I will soon take Madison Ave. by storm.
64) The best investment I ever purchased? Easy: Juice Tiger.
65) Anthony Robbins calls me for advice.
66) I'm the motherfuckin' devil's son-in-law.
67) I had the idea for Jurassic Park first, but instead of dinosaurs, my manuscript centered around a theme park where robotic cowboys run amok.
68) I wrote a thesis on the significance of Weekend At Bernie's that was eventually published by the New England Journal of Medicine.
69) I believe that Gremlins deserved at least an Oscar nomination.
70) I'm a terrific spaeller.
71) I have a rap single, featuring Biz Markie, that is currently number 1 on the Billboard charts.
72) I don't know what the big deal is about steak.
73) I can achieve an orgasm if someone says the phrase "orange pylons are orange."
74) I think Kane Hodder was the best Jason.
75) Unfortunately, that is a magnum 44 in my pocket. I am not just happy to see you.
76) I think Kal-El is a dumb name for a kid, but Tashtego is pretty cool.
77) I think Ned Beatty has a pretty mouth.
78) I'm in deep debt to the Russian maffia.
79) I can make a serviceable wristwatch out of 3 tablespoons of mayonaisse, two sprigs of parsley, and an '82 Ford Mustang's steering column.
80) I think people who laugh aloud while watching TV alone deserve to be shot.
81) My will states that my head shall be shrunken and sold on EBay.
82) I regularly have long chats on the phone with JD Salinger. Although I promised not to tell anyone, I can withhold this secret no longer: he is currently writing the screenplay for the next Shrek film.
83) I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!
84) I was born in Ghana.
85) I believe the world is a better place for having known me.
86) These pretzels are making me thirsty.
87) These pretzels are making me thirsty.
88) When I'm alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall; and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call.
89) I will never forgive Fox for canceling Werewolf.
90) I always had to be home by 10. Right before the fun was about to begin.
91) I can rip a phone book in two with my bare hands.
92) I have proof that Tupac is alive and living in Brantford, Ontario.
93) I leave everything on the court.
94) I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
95) I am 100% convinced that Dwyane Wade will be considered a better player than Lebron James when all is said and done. He certainly is a better player right now.
96) I haven't stood with arms akimbo since May 28, 1997.
97) I wasn't born yesterday.
98) I write freelance articles for Cat Fancier and The Final Call.
99) I never half step, 'cause I'm not a halfstepper.
100) I always save the best for last.
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