Other People

 January 2, 2015

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've just been informed that we're a little over our maximum weight --"

"What do you expect? It's the holidays!"

"--so we're going to wait on the runway for an extra five minutes or so to burn some fuel. We realize that as an environmentally responsible airline we need to be economical with how we use fuel, but we also have to follow safety procedures to make sure you get to your destination safely."

"What did he just say?"

"Janelle, is this your first time flying? Janelle, make sure your phone is on airplane mode, or else we're going to crash."

"Do they celebrate Christmas in Switzerland?"

"This is so weird; I'm in the air."

"Janelle, the wing just fell off. Janelle, we're all going to die."

"See, like, I have a hard time explaining to my students that there's a level just below Heaven but above Earth."

"Janelle, what do you call the level below Earth?"

"Hell. What's Hell in French?"

"Enfer. That's where we're going."

"Oh, 'enfer,' like inferno? Like Dante's Inferno?"

---

"Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to bother you. Could I ask you a question?"

"Okay. What is it?"

"You walked by the lavatory a few minutes ago, and I couldn't help noticing your perfume. It was quite distinct."

"Oh, well, thank you. It's Chanel."

"I...um...I wasn't complimenting you."

"Oh, no?"

"No. Like I said, I wanted to ask you a question. Your perfume made me want to vomit. When you walked past my seat, you left behind an invisible trail of foulness as odorous as bug spray. I'd have preferred if you had farted in my face, because that would have been more honest and genuine. So my question is, what compelled you to drench yourself in perfume for a twelve-hour plane trip?"

---

"What's this little one's name?"

"Cammy."

"Oh my god, Cammy, you are such a handsome baby!"

"She's a girl."

"Dan, you didn't have to be rude. She was just being nice."

"Sorry."

"It's not like it's easy to tell the gender of a two-month-old baby."

"Well, exactly. She's pretty much just a lump of clay. I don't like the presumption, though. It's rude."

---

"Chicken or beef?"

"Excuse me, sir, can you put down your window?"

"Chicken or beef?"

"Beef."

"Chicken."

"Sorry, but all we have is bibimbap. Is that okay?"

"That's fine."

"We promise that we'll give you first pick of our menu options for breakfast service."

"Yay. I must have won the lottery."

---

"Um, miss?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure if you remember me, but I bought a Crispy Crunch here about a half hour ago."

"And?"

"Well, I'd like to return it in exchange for another one. The one I bought must have been smashed by Thor's hammer, ha. Half of it fell on the floor when I opened it, and the other half, well, you can see for yourself."

"All sales are final."

"I don't have a warranty for this particular candy bar, but it was broke when I opened it. All I'm asking for is an exchange for a new one."

"How do I know that you didn't eat half of it and now you're trying to get another one for free?"

"I'm not Daddy Warbucks, but I can afford to buy a candy bar, even one with such an insane markup as you charge here. All I want is another Crispy Crunch. I didn't eat breakfast, and I have a thirteen-hour flight ahead of me."

---

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for dying with us. We hope your flight has been a good one, and if you're continuing on to a further destination..."

---

Chicken or beef?