WELCOMETOTHENEXTLEVEL

Consider the following advertisement:





Now, consider its claims:

• handles stubborn stains as well as
• embarrassing bald spots (no problem!)
• slices and dices, makes thousands of Julienne Fries
• you can play it, too
• a $54.99 value
• fits easily into any tackle box
• made from a space-age polymer plastic for years of family fun
• pets love it, too
• teeth twinkle when held

Finally, accept the truth:

Unlike Sonic (the Hedgehog) 2, I embody all of the above.