To: John Q Newbie
From: The desk of Tiberious aka Sparkles, pka Eoin Forbes, ESQ.
I have a habit, or so I'm told, of being overly polite to strangers, the kindhearted and the douchebaghearted alike. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian/softheaded like Lenny in Of Mice and Men.
Regardless, I do have my moments of assoholism. These tend to come out when I'm ordering Bic Macs in Burger King (or Whoppers in McDonald's), and the counterperson looks at me incredulously. That's when the slapping starts. And once it starts, it's hard to stop.
What I'm trying to say is, on rare occasions, I may come across as a jerk. Said occasions are:
1) When I'm drunk. I mean really drunk. Get-the-stomach-pump-primed drunk.
2) When I'm on the Spakrosnet, this great adult jungle gym. Whee, you penisfiend!
3) When I'm refereeing wheelchair basketball games and ejecting players for traveling.
I sincerely hope you don't take this letter for that. My aim is not to offend but to
(enlighten)
explain.
See, I've been on this ROK for a decade. I'm not saying I'm an authority on all things Korean -- ten years in, I continue to learn new things every day* -- but I've been around the dongnae a few times, learned a few tricks.
Does that make me some master of wisdom? Of course not. My best advice if you're soliciting it is Live your life and stop bothering me with questions I've heard a thousand times or more. Because if you're a newborn babe in the Land of the Morning Chaos, you're picking the brain of a ten-year-old. Stop asking me where the best place to score women is; I haven't even grown pubic hair yet.
Does that sound snarky? I hope not. Really, I wish you the best of happiness during your period of soj(u)ourn. It's just that I feel like a tenured counselor at a camp for handicapped kids. Live here long enough and it starts to feel like there's a revolving door of expat retards.
This country isn't made for
(pussies)
everyone, but with enough smarts and experience you just might one day call it home. I did, and look at me. I'm not only the president, I'm also a...
Yours,
Crapbag
* Apparently there was some kinda war fifteen years ago that divided the country between North and South, the Han River acting as the demilitarized zone.
"Live here long enough and it starts to feel like there's a revolving door of expat retards".
ReplyDeleteWell, as your loving Constant Retard, I'd like to 1) clap politely, from my dim corner. I *like* it when you vent like this. 2) Remind you that I'm *11* (please call me noona, although we can still be friends) and from where I sit (though fortunately not in a wheelchair, you jerk;) the questions are just as frustrating, but slightly altered for sex-specific idiocy: I get asked by expat men (more than you would believe) if Korean men really are under-endowed (implying what – that I’ve slept with all of them?) or if my Korean women friends have told me why/how they like foreign men (like all we talk about is how hot Canadian men are?).
I’ve also had to sit through countless conversations (like in office) about the best ways to discreetly sleep with students, which bars are best for picking up skanks - or how to hide drinking/spending/screwing behavior from your Korean wife. I do not have the highest opinion of most (expatriate) men, although I have to say that the ones who blog tend to be the nicest I’ve ever met. Even when they make wheelchair jokes. :)
~ Melissa (or, that girl from Hooters)
PS: really overdid the parentheses in that comment, didn't I?
PPS: (what?)
"Live here long enough and it starts to feel like there's a revolving door of expat retards"
ReplyDeleteI love you too.
I get asked by expat men (more than you would believe) if Korean men really are under-endowed (implying what – that I’ve slept with all of them?)
ReplyDeleteYou haven't? It's like I don't even know you.
Stop asking me where the best place to score women is; I haven't even grown pubic hair yet.
And I definitely don't know you!
"You haven't? It's like I don't even know you."
ReplyDeleteYou don't "know" me. I only do Korean guys, I guess ... ^^
(Jag Jaguar, Jag Jaguar!)