GNOAT (18)

Ernest Hemingway was a good writer. He was very good. Yes, he wrote like people with concussions think, but he was still a good writer. He was very good. Really.

Or was he? This entry is a bit of a concession, make no mistake, because I find Hemingway boring like mogwais turn into gremlins when they're fed after midnight; but his impact

(on kids with autism and drunkards who feel emancipated in front of a typewriter/keyboard*)

is undeniable. It is undeniable. Hemingway wrote stories. I've never read a biography of the man that didn't include bulls in Pamplona or hard drinking**, but I'm sure he typed with two indexes, as I am doing now. As homage.

And I'm doing it out of respect.

Simple, yet effective. This is essential to Hemingway's legend. Crucial. While I would argue that it's harder than a criminal to write long, flowing prose in the vein of Melville, it's similarly hard*** to write short, effective prose. Damn hard. And nobody save for Cormac McCarthy and his novel, The Road****, has come close since. That's a long time.

A long, long time.

So here's to you, Ernest Hemingway. You bore me to tears, yet I admire you. Not because you wrote well, but because you wrote efficiently well, if that makes any sense.

Stop influencing people with no skill for the English language to cite you as their inspiration as a writer and I'm willing to call it even. Cool? 콜?


* 88.9 per cent of the Internet, by my figures. And I should know; I created the damn thing.

** Shit, why don't I like Hemingway? It's probably because his legend overshadows his works, much like Hunter Thompson and Anne Landers.

*** like two-day-old donuts

**** McCarthy trumped Hemingway by omitting all that pesky punctuation. If you want to teach young adults how to write, trust me, don't have them read The Road. They won't get it. They'll feel emancipated. Because of Messenger and youth's inherent instinct to follow the shortest road, as it were. The Road is dangerous in a young person's hands. Dangerous.