Love Affair

To paraphrase and parody myself on probably every PKast (remember them?) I've ever talked on, "as I've mentioned before," my utter infatuation with Chrono Trigger has been documented here already (I love that game like I love Edgar Ford's eight-inch dick size). But what I've never explained to you, Constant Retard, is that I didn't actually finish the game. I know, that's like calling The Godfather the greatest film ever made and not making it past Michael's revenge on McClusky and Sollozzo in the restaurant, but please hear me out.

Again, "AS I'VE MENTIONED BEEF FOUR," role-playing games aren't my strong suit, mostly because of the boring battle systems and tedious grinding, but also because why the hell would I want to play any role other than my current one as an amiable lady killer? Well, sometimes I'm wrong (don't tell my wife I said that), and I was Dead Wrong in the case of Chrono Trigger, a game that, in my opinion, squashes Roger Ebert's claim that video games can't be art.

The storyline manages to stay inventive and intriguing, especially when you consider that it's, you know, an RPG, and its cliches work in its favor, which is a very rare thing for a work of art; the soundtrack is -- I'm completely serious -- one of the most inspired and well-crafted orchestrations I've had the pleasure of hearing, as memorable as anything John Williams or Ennio Morricone have produced; and, like any great game/movie/album/woman, it possesses an inexplicable quality that you just know makes it phenomenal, a quality that makes you deeply love a video game, not for its place in your life, but for your place in its.

So why didn't I finish it? I'm a master of excuses, most of them poor, but hear me out, would you? As terrific as the game is, it half steps near the end, taxing average Joe gamer with side quests that infuriate with their lack of adhering to what was a linear, albeit epic, storyline. It's as though the game's makers had so much they wanted to stuff into the game that when it was apparent they couldn't fit everything in they opted to penultimately tack it on instead of nixing it altogether or reworking it into the game's plot. And me, a nineteen-year-old pothead with a gambling addiction...that slowed my roll like five-o'clock traffic. In layman's terms, the game pulled an about face. It didn't shit on the bed, but it shit on the floor.

I didn't want to clean up the mess, so I did what I always do: I walked away with the intention to come back. Chrono Trigger and I needed some time apart, that was all. I needed to get my head right. It's not you, Chrono Trigger, it's me.

When I revisited the only game I've ever wanted to make love to (besides Ms. Pacman, for she has more holes than 36 rounds of golf), however, I was abruptly shot down. My R4 pulled a fast one. In layman's terms, my game of Frogger done got unplugged.

Fuck. Right?

But, as long as I have a breath in my lungs, a beat in my heart, a pixilated dolphin on my wristwatch that tells me the time...I will never leave you. Darling. You are to gaming what The Brothers Karamazov is to literature, what Mika Tan is to blowjobs. What Marv Albert is to basketball commentary.

You are Chrono Trigger, and I am steel.

Welcome back, sexy.

What say you and I get reacquainted?