Let's get this out of the way right now. You want a name for David Tyree's catch in Super Bowl XLII? You got it: Awesome, I Fuckin' Caught That!...Say what you will about the Oscars (I'll start: remote onion foreskin umbrella blaxploitation), but at least the Academy still has some credibility. The Grammys? None, as in zero. The more I think about it, Outkast winning best album for Speakerboxxx/The Love Below seems like when Rolling Stone tried to appeal to Maxim/FHM readers and filled their pages with T&A, gossip, and lists. Then, in both cases, things returned to normal; Rolling Stone and the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences tried to adapt to current culture, failed awfully, and now they remain on their respective trajectories towards irrelevance. No disrespect to Herbie Hancock or Steely Dan, but let's be reasonable; the Grammys are a joke. An unfunny one. Conversely, Pitchfork Media can get the bozack (have I mentioned that before?)...The Shaq trade: at first I was hype; then I felt a little guilty, because Shaq is Shaq, and even though he's played like a mangy dog with a bulbous four-pound neck tumor all season, he's still a nice guy by all accounts, still a card, and he helped Miami win the 2006 title; then I felt a little elated when I realized the Suns had just traded Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World for Sputnik Sweetheart; then I remembered the Heat have nine wins on the season and won't make the playoffs; then I envisioned Marion getting the fuck out of South Beach as soon as he becomes a free agent; then someone whispered the name Michael Beasley; then I ate a Krispy Kreme donut. I don't know what god's plan is, but I wish he'd stop fucking with me. For the love of Dwyane Wade, please make this stop...The 18th Letter just told me she has a beanstalk growing in her head. Then she said, for the second time, that she wants a mustache for breakfast. Word to Art Linkletter...Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow is growing on me like the beanstalk in my daughter's head, but no way is it better than Portrait of Ruin. No way..."Goliath" is the best song of 2008. You have the rest of the year, 2008, to prove me wrong. Words to -- perhaps -- live by: This is the closest to any kingdom that you will ever come...Don't tell me the rules. I'm the ruler, and I'm motherfucking crazy...Are you squinting? Welcome to my world...Roy Scheider died. God bless the day that my sons survive, I'm full of sorrow. I'm going to watch Jaws for the umpteenth time right now, even though I watched it a few weeks ago. You should do the same. You're going to need a bigger boat, Roy...Namdaemun burned down. To quote Snoop (nee Doggy) Dogg, if it ain't one thing, it's a motherfucking 'nother.
Hold on like Simply Red. And ooh, child, things are gonna get easier.
Don't stop believing.
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