Last Saturday afternoon I was at home, without a hangover. What the fuck, right? Instead of my usual routine of waking up and checking sports scores before chugging a 500-milliliter bottle of Gatorade, popping two extra-strength Tylenols, and returning to bed, I thought I maybe might coulda head over yonder to Yongsan to buy a Nintendo Wii (the extra I is for impatience). Always one to avoid a confrontation, I realized my capricious idea was poorly formed when I told [my mother] of my plan and she responded thusly:
"What are you, eight?"
Typical me, I started something (word to Morrissey). For the life of me I cannot grasp why women despise adult men playing video games. I even showed her an on-line video of Super Mario Galaxy. She watched it like she was watching the Daniel Pearl tape. That's not normal, is it?
At the risk of sounding misogynistic, I have a theory about women. Namely, they hate men having toys. Women, see, are reprimanded early in their development for wearing make-up, and later on wear it as a badge of honor; men are reprimanded for basically the same thing, only in reverse (it's somehow evil to collect cereal boxes and M.U.S.C.L.E figurines at 30?).
Why can't a 40-year-old man play videogames? If he does, he's psychologically stunted? Fuck the world.
I realize that men are strange animals (I got to follow), but what's so perverse about enjoying the pleasures of -- in layman's terms -- an electronic videogame device? It doesn't have a vagina, and it doesn't turn me on sexually. Yet.
Believe me, when I was eight I tried to stick my pre-pubescent cock into my Nintendo Entertainment System. It wasn't very entertaining. Now that I'm older, I still fantasize about it, but I hold my desire at (E)bay.
(Too many sharp corners, see.)
I can die happy with you. I can die happy without a Wii (at least until I tackle the sweetest hangover that is Contra 4). But if I ever cheat on you it won't be with some long-legged, raven-tressed co-ed; it'll be with Super Mario and Link. Three-way.
If that day ever comes, call Jerry Springer. After you shoot Santa Claus.
You could approach this from a different angle. If what you want to be doing is playing video games, your relationships should be conducive to that. Asking for understanding from someone who doesn't get it is wanting to have your Contra and beat it too.
ReplyDeleteJust get a new mom. That will make you feel better.
ReplyDelete