At War with Norway

Ah, October. (I promise I won't wax nostalgic; if I move, kill me.) Like April without the pretension. Hope is in the air for Inuit elders: maybe my grandson won't leave me behind to be eaten by a polar bear.

For a couple of hours I've been pondering whether the giddiness I feel this time of year is due to childhood memories of turkey and trick-or-treating. Sure, it was also the second month of the school year, but even a hack psychologist such as myself knows that we erase bad memories like that from our subconscious to make way for Skittles and bite-size Crispy Crunches*.

Whatever the reason, I invariably put my game face -- and, occasionally, a white-painted William Shatner mask -- on in October. Yes, this time last year I stepped away from blogging, so it may appear as though I'm full of shit; but let me assure you, Constant Retard, that the time I spent on hiatus in October 2006 was the stuff of legend: a story untold, true but unknown.

This October is no different. I've got a special treat for you** coming in the next few weeks, which, while it may be going back

(to the grill again, the grill again)

to the well, is special nonetheless. It's good like Artesian water.

So look forward to that. Here's what else you should look forward to:

1) Radiohead's new, uh, release, In Rainbows. Back in the day, I used to tell anyone who would listen how cool it would be if a hugely successful rock band would surprise their fanbase by suddenly dropping an album out of the blue, with no advertising. Well fuck me, Thom and Co. are essentially about to do just that. The Internet has rendered such a move nearly impossible, yet, still, Radiohead managed to narrow the time between the new, uh, "digital download"'s announcement and its release date to under 2 weeks, at least by my watch. Which is almost as cool as if all the members of the Wu-Tang Clan had dropped solo albums on the same day. When they were all still relevant, I mean.

2) The ALCS. Come on, just because the Yankees aren't a part doesn't mean it can't be a great series. In terms of baseball, only the news that Mark Cuban is considering buying the Chicago Cubs has excited me more. I mean, Cuban owning the Cubs? That joke writes itself.

3) The upcoming NBA season. Fuck Isaiah, Timmy "Tha Gambler" Donaghy, and Greg Oden's knee***; let's make some music, Mozart. For every sad off-season story, the 2007/2008 season has tenfold potential good ones: KG and the Celts, the Rise or Fall of the Phoenix Suns (I'm wagering on Rise; check the resume and city's name), one full year without the Orange Monstrosity, Dwyane Wade's Fuck Harper Lee: A Novel, Kobe's suicide watch, Josh Smith: All-Star?, and Kevin Durant running around and doing things (he's shy, give him some by-myself meetings on the court; trust me, It'll work. Word to Randy Floyd).

4) Season 5 of The Wire. Yeah, it's coming in January '08, but if your anticipation isn't heightened now, it should be. You have three months and some change to get acquainted with life.

5) Cuban Linx 2. Sorry, that's 10/09. Or so I hear****.



* Oddly, however, I still remember the dentist who lived on the street adjacent to mine who would hand out tooth brushes and floss with tiny jack-o-lantern facsimiles taped to them, the address and phone number of his practice written on the back. Last I heard, he was doing 25-to-life for killing the spirit of Halloween.

** both of you

*** "The Big Chill." Prophetic?

**** Word to Chinese Democracy.