I’ve been thinking about this entry for an extended period of time. One might say that I’ve been obsessing over the issue. Some folks contend that Psychedelic Kimchi is often, and intentionally, devoid of topics that specifically relate to the expatriate crowd: Which foods do we, the contributing ‘writers’, loathe? Which schools have screwed us over, and to what extent were our sweet, virgin anal cavities -known as pitaya to you savvy, educated types- expanded in the process? Do we wear tube socks? What’s with the ubiquitous vermicious imagery, Sparkles? (Stretch such questions into infinity, beginning now.)
All I can tell you is: I agree wholeheartedly with the ‘Get with the program, Tiberious’ crowd! We need more stories that relate to life, and the actual process of living, in South Korea. It is my pledge to you, loyal readership, to ascend above and beyond the limited scope of personal concerns, petty complaints, and nonsensical narratives. Let me reiterate what you’ve been longing to hear spoken, loud and clear: SOUTH KOREA! RECRUITERS SUCK! I AM A VICTIM OF MOLESTATION!
With all that understood, I’d like to reminisce about Devil’s Crush. First off, calm the fuck down; we’ll return to the incessant trial that is existence on the Korean peninsula shortly.
Remember the TurboGrafx 16? It was an incredible gaming machine. It was so cool, in fact, that it bore a lone controller port: That’s right, you didn’t need any multiplayer games -or friends- if you had a TurboGrafx 16. As you can surely surmise, I did indeed own a unit, and no, I didn’t have any friends, either.* Back in the day, I was akin to a less competent incarnation of Tommy Walker -That stout, dull, and white kid sure plays a weak pinball - and sulking from the travesty that was Alien Crush, I took a trip to the local Toys ‘R’ Us** and acquired the now sacrosanct Devil’s Crush, aka the best video pinball game ever***. Here’s a glimpse into the life of a fanatic, now recovering:
The blue ball should be rolling its way into the mouth of that serpentine bitch any second now, blowing past the skeletal infantry and ghoul warlords like a furious dervish. The queen’s forked tongue is waiting to swallow me whole, and the ball too. Two people are having conversations with me while I patiently knock my shit around with phallic thrusts, which are, coincidentally, two stiff flippers to be precise. My patience is like the synthesized Japanese-goth melody; constant, looping infinity marred by the occasional mishap. Bamn.
My ball falls into the pit, and a bloody, enlarged skull cackles at my misfortune. My ball reappears at the launch pad, minus the orange multiplier.
“Fuck you, bitch.” If the TurboGrafx were a woman, I know that I’d be charged with domestic abuse, but damn, the authorities would sympathize with my situation. So I begin anew. I’m captivated by the increasing speed of my spherical avatar. Somehow the game knows how bad I want to score, and it’s making things accelerate beyond reason, almost blurry. Another bonus stage, and I can attain a orange ball once again. The Queen of the Snakes can blow me, fangs and all.
Think pinball, with a medieval decor, Japanese rock music, and a blistering pace. All on a HuCard, to boot. If you take a close look at the promotional advertisement****, you’ll see the image of a winsome, slumbering woman. About that. You bash your way through a skeletal armada, and bounce your ball off of her face. Doing it once is no big deal, as she’s probably accustomed to balls popping against her face, but upon repeated transgressions...her appearance begins to transform. Think of it like a sweaty, swift sphere wiping away the cosmetics of a haughty princess. At some point, the woman’s true form emerges: A hideous snake woman -okay, not that hideous, as I would contemplate dating a sexy, sleek, serpentine humanoid, if the conditions were right- with her mouth agape, begging for an enterprising individual to ram their ball(s) into her mouth. Bonus stage! You like it, she likes what it does to you; and you can sputter English all the while.
Okay, I’ve done enough with harebrained nostalgia. It’s time to get serious about life in Korea, except that I’ve already described physical intimacy, so I’m fresh out of ideas. Next time, I promise.
Hati
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* I was a geek, and as such, missed out on many opportunities that were available to the average teenager: Football, parties, date rape, etc.
** Yeah, I know the ‘R’ should be backward. I don’t know how to produce the character on my computer. I used to work there, I hate Geoffrey and his ilk with a passion, and I once nailed a co-worker in the storage loft. That doesn't make up for the lack of a proper, reversed 'R', but I'll keep trying. Just you watch.
*** 'Pinball video game', if you prefer. Why did I choose the other description? Blame the new NBA ball.
**** This was also, coincidentally, my first exposure to the phrase ‘slag’. God bless video games. (You'll have to inspect that photo very closely.)
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