Cold Medina

Know what's worse than having the flu? Not having it, that's what. Turns out this bug I have is just one of your garden-variety common colds. I wish I were sicker, and here's why: with the flu, I get to call in sick, veg out all day, and sleep like Pauline Kael writing a Star Wars review. Because I have only a cold, though, I have to do all the things I normally do, but with a dull ache in my bones, watery eyes, and more congestion than 5 o' clock traffic.

You know that movie Pi, where the guy drills a hole in his skull because he has a really bad headache (not sure if that's accurate, because I've never actually seen the film, but it sounds cool)? This infernal runny nose is making that idea look enticing. Instead, for my sake and yours, I've compiled a far-from-extensive list of movies to watch when you're sick:

The Andromeda Strain

I first saw this film in my 12th grade physics class.

(I first saw The Dead Zone in my 12th grade psychics class. It was decent, but wholly predictable.

C'mon, that was good, admit it.)

Ahem.

Anyway, our teacher, Mr. Cohen, must have been hungover or something and just happened to have a video cassette of the film lying around, because I still don't understand how The Andromeda Strain relates to physics. I don't think I have to tell you that I attended school in Canada.

Still, pretty good flick.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

Words to live by.

Outbreak

I can't for the life of me remember the plot of this, but I think it was pretty good. That may be because I saw it as the second film at a drive-in double feature, and the first film was Batman Forever. Or it could be because I was higher than Tokyo real estate.

Goodfellas

Goodfellas is always a good (perfuse apologies for the redundancy) film to watch, but I've seen it with a temperature of 104°F (40 degree Celsius, or 563.67 degree Rankine for all you eggheads), and it still holds up. The scene where Ray Liotta, dressed like a giant syringe, chases Paul Sorvino around Yankee Stadium in slo-mo while they both hum the theme song from The Odd Couple is particularly memorable. But the part where a 12-inch, fang-toothed Robert DeNiro leaps out of the television and starts hunting under my ex-girlfriend's sofa for his stolen gold is kinda scary.

Ravenous

Reefer Madness for fine young cannibals. When my Vlad The Impaler screenplay is eventually optioned (titled A Lot At Stake, in case any hotshot Hollywood producers are reading), I'm demanding that Robert Carlysle play Vlad Tepes.

An excerpt from the screenplay:

Vlad: Did you bring the cards?
Page: What?
Vlad: The cards, the last thing I told you was to mind the cards!
Page: Well, I've not brought them.
Vlad: It's fucking boring after a while without the cards.
Page: I'm sorry.
Vlad: Bit fucking late, like.
Page: Why didn't you bring them?
Vlad: 'CAUSE I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO BRING THEM, YOU DOSS CUNT!
Page: ...Christ.

[Vlad bites page's neck; lots of blood while RUN DMC's It's Tricky plays]

Zombie Flicks

Too many to list individually, so here are the creme de la creme:

- Dawn of the Dead (original)
- Night of the Living Dead
- Sean of the Dead
- Braindead
- Dead People Eating Living People Until The Living People Are Dead
- Mona Lisa Smile*

*Sorry; like my Simile Generator 3000, my Irony Inventor 4.0 is similarly disabled.

War of the Worlds

No matter how bad my day was, and regardless of how crummy I feel, it's comforting to know that an entire race of aliens from outer space was wiped out by a virus that, at its most formidable, forced me to stay in on a Friday night (stupid virus, I would have done that anyway) watching Project Runway because I'm too weak to wrest the remote control from my wife's talon-like grip.