It's Fantastic (vol. 1)

I caught the Kings/Rockets game yesterday, and the Heat/Pacers game today. I'm such a lucky fucker. Here are some thoughts:

- Sacto is screeeeewed. If they make the playoffs I'll eat my shoe (but only if I can put ketchup on it). You know your team is in trouble when Bonzi fucking Wells is the one making all the sound decisions. Peja, I'm asking nice because you're on my fantasy league team, and becuase I had an ex-girlfriend in college who told me you were hot (minus the neck fuzz): you are in a contract year. Step your shit the fuck up. Jesus, you looked like a zombie out there. Problem is, your teammates looked worse, save for a sparingly-used 'Reef. I swear, there was a moment when watching that game where I was convinced that Mike Bibby is hooked on drugs. Someone should look into this. Seriously.

- Jon Barry played bananas. And dude looks buff. Jon, do your thing. You're a better player than that no-talent brother of yours, even if he does still have all his hair. And what the fuck is up with that? Brent and Daddy Rick must be fakin' the follicle funk, if you know what I mean. Props for keeping it real, JB.

- Dikembe. I was rooting for Sacto, but when dude came in during the 2nd and did his thing, I was as giddy as Joe Thanks wrestling his pillow after watching a tape of Wrestlemania IV. He's the oldest player in the L? The fuck out.

- Question: who tricked Yao into growing that horrible patch under his chin? C'mon, guys; he's been in the league 3 years. It's a tad late for an initiation prank.

- A week or so ago I wrote a post about Cage's new album, Hell's Winter. My biggest criticism was that there's a great album somewhere in there, but that it's flawed by some really bad decisions. That's how I feel about the 05/06 Heat. Jason Williams is Scenester, by the way.

- Apparently the big news is that Shaq has a sprained ankle. I saw the fall, but had no idea how bad it was -- because the fuckers at Star Sports kept talking over Craig Sager's locker room report.

Definitely not good having Officer O'Neal out, but I'm going to take lemons and make lemonade:

Maybe, just maybe, while Shaq is on the bench, he'll smack some fucking sense into that punk Jason Williams. Someone needs to. Here's the fact: JASON WILLIAMS WILL NEVER CHANGE. HE WILL NEVER STOP TAKING PULL-UP J'S WITH 20 SECONDS LEFT ON THE SHOT CLOCK AND NOBODY NEAR THE BASKET TO REBOUND. The sooner Riles realizes this, the better off we'll all be. You know it's bad when he makes Antoine "watch me stick my butt out while I chuck up this ill-advised trey" Walker look good by comparison.

- And speaking of 'Toine, nice foot on the line when the game is within reach, Mr. Busy Feet.

- You really know there's a problem when you feel relief (and not in the Ex-Lax way) that Jason Kapono (who?) is on the floor instead of either of those two. How soon until James Posey returns, again?

- GP played great. Somewhere Shawn Kemp is reading this blog and calling his agent, saying "Get me a tryout. I think we can make this work. Miami needs a little Rain, Man." And, god damn me, I'm all for that.

- Note to 'Zo: get your shit straight, quit practicing your "we're back in this!" face, and start practicing your free throws. You're not exactly too busy to do so, right?

- Dwyane Wade is the man, as always. I just wish that in crunch time he would say "fuck it, these guys suck" and play like he's the only dude on the floor. It works.

- And that last second shot? Gut-wrenching. The fucking thing went in, then preternaturally bounced back out. Kudos to Wade for shrugging it off. If it were me, I'd be on the court, pounding my fists until the ice underneath (they have a hockey team in Miami, don't they?) cracked.

- I never gave credence to the theory that Riles will supplant Van Gundy, but I'm a believer now. Even though I think it's a bad move, Van Gundy's gone before the All-Star break, mark my words. Riles is pissed; Phil Jackson has stolen his thunder for far too long, and shit's 'bout to change. Just remember, Pat: you were the guy who signed these chuckers. Reap what you sow, bitch.