On average, I watch about an hour of TV every day, which -- except for when there's a basketball game or lingerie special on -- is 60 minutes too long. Not to tell you something you don't already know (and raise the ire of Netizens the country over), but there isn't anything redeeming about Korean TV. Nothing. It's garbage. It stinks. It molests children and scams old ladies out of their retirement pensions. If it were a gaseous element, it would be chlorine. If it were a poisonous animal, it would be the poison arrow frog. If it were a tyrannical leader, it would be Roger Waters.
You get the point. Whenever I watch Korean TV, I get a little infuriated and turn a little less sane.
You may say well then, Sparkles, why don't you just not watch TV? Yeah, right; what else am I gonna do, read a book? Look who's being naive now.
I've been known, on occasion, to hurl objects and shout curse words such as "fucking bugger bitch" and "whoring cunt bastard balls" after too much television. My wife was none too happy when the last time I experienced one of my "episodes" her church group was over, let me tell you. Then again, it may have been because, during my outburst, I was as naked as the day I was born.
Regardless, it was then that I realized I need help.
As such, my anger management counselor has advised that I try to rid myself of this anger by purging it here, at Psychedelic Kimchi. I swear, if this doesn't work I'm going to murder him.
Please keep in mind that I hold no real animosity towards these people, and I'm sure that, in real life, they're all swell individuals who would donate a kidney to a sick child. But seeing them on my TV causes me to snap like Billy in Silent Night, Deadly Night. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Without further adieu, I give you The Top Ten Annoying Korean Celebrities:
10) Kim Su-Mi
I had originally intended to title this post The Top 10 Most Punchable Korean Celebrities, but, with an old woman on the list, couldn't in good conscience. I may be a spazz, but I'm no monster.
Most annoying trait/feature: Those fucking chompers. Kim Su-Mi, Sloth from The Goonies called: he wants his teeth back.
9) Yoon Da-Hoon
Unbelievably, this douchebag has achieved hunk status with much of the nation. Almost as unexplainable as Vince Vaughn being the runner-up for People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Almost.
Most annoying trait/feature: That shit-eating grin. As Parker Posey once aptly commanded, wipe that mouth off your face, bitch.
8) Cha Seung-Won
If I see this gaywad eating in another television commercial, I will seriously lose my shit.
Most annoying trait/feature: He has this really nasal, husky voice, like Jim Carrey playing Vera Demilo on In Living Color.
7) Bae Yong-Jun
Yonsama, Yonsama! If Sally Jessie Raphael had a younger, Asian brother, he would look like Bae.
Most annoying trait/feature: What's the deal with that fucking hair? He looks like he should be guarding Buckingham Palace.
6) Bong Tae-Gyu
This dude looks like one of the Ghoulies. I should probably admit that he's on the list mainly because he got to make out with Kim Ah-Jung in a recent movie, and for that I am infinitely jealous.
Most annoying trait/feature: General troll-like appearance.
5) Noh Hong-Cheol
Mix one part Ichi the Killer with 2 parts Jerry Lewis and you'll have this turdburger.
Most annoying trait/feature: Whenever he grins maniacally and clasps his hands together, which is always.
4) Jeong Jong-Cheol
This peon looks as though he's being perpetually kicked in the sack...and enjoying it.
Most annoying trait/feature: A tie between his infuriatingly annoying voice and his face, which looks like a Garbage Pail Kid's, or the dude from Big Trouble in Little China whose head explodes.
3) Bi(*snicker*) aka Rain
If I start writing about this hamster penis I'll probably be here all day, so let's just say that Bi is to cool as Paris Hilton is to chastity.
Most annoying trait/feature: I'll let the picture above speak for itself.
2) Lee Jun-Gi
If Jack and Anna Lucia want to convince more castaways to join their army, all they need to do is show them this.
Most annoying trait/feature: Men, even gay ones, should under no circumstance wear make-up. I feel very strongly about this.
1) Kim Jong-Guk
What makes this fruit no. 1? Besides anachronistically being the inspiration for LL Cool J's You Can't Dance, KJG also has the dubious honor of having "sung" the most annoying song in the history of the multiverse.
Try watching that whole video and not getting the urge to blow your brains out like Budd Dwyer. Go on, I dare ya.
Most annoying trait/feature: That fucking song! Arrrgggh!
[rips off ears]
You know what? I'm actually starting to feel a little better. Minus the torn-off ears, of course. After I visit the hospital, I think I'll go down to Goliath and just be a fuckin' dickhead!
Increase the peace.